Big Gay Jim's Bigger, Gayer Blog

An open letter to an old friend

2011-10-12T11:03:00.003-06:00

Matt,

It's been 13 years since I last saw you. Well, 13 years and 5 days to be exact. Since that night. A part of me will always wonder - if I had said or done something differently, would things have turned out differently? I try not to dwell on that thought, as it only serves to tear open old wounds. I think about you so often, though - pretty much every day. Sometimes I hear a song, or look at a picture, or notice a post on Facebook from a mutual friend. It'd be a lie if I said it didn't still hurt. I was just getting to know you - and it wasn't enough.

But then I try to focus on all the good that has come about since your murder. You wouldn't recognize campus these days. First, we have a Rainbow Resource Center. And two GLBTQ student groups. The Federal hate crimes law was finally passed - with your name on it.

I try to focus on the people who have come into my life because of you. I get to see your parents and brother this weekend at the Bear dinner. They have been amazing, and continue to inspire me. Many documentarians have become friends - or family. How cool are your friends from Switzerland?! I've traveled around the country speaking at colleges, universities, and high schools. Not nearly as many as your mom has, but I know it makes a difference.

I've met many folks who are part of a production of The Laramie Project - students, directors, set designers. They all agree on something - your story and the play have touched their lives. They think about people differently. They're called to be more involved. All because of someone they never met. That has such power for them...and that's a big part of what keeps me going.

I'm tired, Matt. I'm tired of having to keep speaking, of having to keep telling people the FACTS, not the garbage put out by 20/20. Just two nights ago I was over at a friend's house, and met someone who claims she was your "bestie." She didn't seem old enough, but I didn't call her out on it - I was a guest in my friend's house, and didn't want to be rude. She started talking about how it was really about drugs. And about how your mom has made "so much money" off of you. That was just too far, and I sure as hell spoke up about then. And I always will.

No matter how tired I get of speaking out, I always will. I will go wherever someone sends for me. I will repeat myself endlessly, reviewing the facts and truth - trying to counter the myths and inaccuracies whenever I can. I'll do it because it's the right thing to do. It's a way I can continue to make a difference. And I'll do it because I promised you I would.

Because you continue to inspire me. To look at everyone as a person first. To get involved and make a difference. To appreciate the time I have with loved ones, as it is finite. Because my life is better having known you. You STILL give me wings.

Oh, that's tacky....that's REALLY tacky...

2011-01-28T16:17:00.002-07:00

Recently bills have been introduced to the Wyoming legislature that would prevent the state from recognizing same-sex marriages or civil unions performed in other states. Obviously, this doesn't sit well with yours truly. Jesse and I have planned to get married on paper again in a state where it's legal. We don't know how much protection it would offer us, but we know how many rights and privileges are on the line, and we're willing to roll the dice.

During the debates, the usual rhetoric showed up as expected: we're protecting traditional marriage, Bible blah blah blah, it's a sacrament, Adam and Eve, etc. At one point, claims were also made that the bill was really about protecting Wyoming's children, because kids do best when there's a mommy and a daddy. Everyone knows that, right? Except the mountain of scientific studies that show it's about caring, involved parents, regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc. And if this was really about "protecting kids," why didn't the bill try to outlaw divorce? Or require that couples be fertile before they get married? Would a tubal ligation then act as an annulment?

I'm still holding out faith that reason and sanity will set in before it's too late, and that the bill will be stricken down before it ever comes up to a public vote. But that's not all that has frustrated me about the debates. Usually, I have little reason to get snarky with activists who are trying to prevent a bad law from being passed. But a few emails went out from folks in Wyoming Equality that have me seething at both sides.

I got an official message directing folks to contact their Representatives about the bill and urge them to vote no. Pretty standard stuff, right? Except for these words: "You don't have to mention that you are GLBT. In fact it may help if you don't." The first part is quite true...nobody should feel compelled to come out; straight people have as much reason to be cheezed about these horrid bills as the rainbow crowd. But HOW DARE anyone suggest that I should go back in the closet?! HOW DARE the statewide GLBTQ group advise people, albeit in "soft language," that they should be less than proud of or honest about their lives? Shouldn't the legislators also be told that there ARE GLBT people living in Wyoming? In their districts? That we're concerned and involved in the political process like our straight neighbors? SHAME.

The irony was not lost on me when, just three days later, another message praised everyone for their efforts. It raved about the impact that personal stories had in changing some votes, though not enough. It mentioned that several Reps received "not just one, but dozens of emails this weekend from GLBT people for the first time in their life." Well, I guess it's a good thing that not everyone followed the advice you sent out earlier then, isn't it? Had everyone stayed in the closet, our lawmakers might not have gotten the message that we are here and are paying attention. That they represent us too, not just the straight white conservative religious types.

And then it got even worse. The next line was, I REALLY hope, intended as a joke: "In fact, the Catholic households were so shocked, they had to haul their computers to church to get them blessed with Holy Water." Are you fucking kidding me?! Way to reinforce stigma and stereotype that religion and gays don't mix. It's not just the Catholics voting for these bills, and there are plenty of pissed off Catholics fighting against them. So why single out a religion this way, possibly alienating some who were supportive...or thinking about being so?

I get why you might try to slip in a funny bit - something to lighten the mood and keep people's spirits up. But this just wasn't funny. It was divisive, rude, and insensitive. In sending messages to remind people we're supposed to be the Equality State, they managed show just how intolerant the GLBTQ community can still be. Rather than trying to bridge gaps, they quipped about them. Don't get me wrong...I'm not afraid of using humor to my advantage, but it's about common sense. Considering the time and place...the audience. The purpose. If you're trying to rally people to your cause, don't start by joking that every Catholic out there is scared to get an email from a homo and that they have to start praying.

I will give credit where it's due, though. The messages contained logical, effective talking points. They mobilized quickly to inform folks, get out the names of folks to call, and ways to get involved. I just happen to think they gave slap in the face to many GLBTQ and spiritual folks out there in the process. I'd like to believe that we're better than that, or we're going to have to put an asterisk on the rainbow flag here in Wyoming too.

Yup, still gay...

2010-10-11T13:53:00.003-06:00

Today is National Coming Out Day. I know - my being gay is one of the worst kept secrets since Watergate, but here I am...coming out. Again.

Coming out is one of the best things I ever did for myself. I spent so many years hiding in fear, worrying about what people would think of me, who would disown me, how safe I would be...well, THAT list was a long one, so I won't go through every crazy notion that ran through my brain. I still clearly remember the night I finally said the words...well, typed them, actually.

I was talking online to my friend Jessa at Washington College back east. It was early Spring, and I was about to get on a plane to meet my friends in Chestertown, MD. I had been building up the courage to come out for a while, largely due to a group of progressive and outspoken friends. When I learned that some of them were members of the GLBT student group on campus and that I had lucked into unknowingly befriending officers, I was terrified and exhilerated all at once. That night, I typed in the words that would change my life forever. I remember crying as I spent two minutes staring at the words I had typed in; I remember the panic as I finally hit "Enter" to send the message into the cybervoid. And I remember the relief as Jessa wrote back a simple "And?"

She went on to explain that she was honored I trusted her with the info, but it honestly didn't make any difference to her. She loved me for who I was, and said she simply knew something more about me. That trip was such a turning point. For the first time I could watch ER with friends and when one commented "Isn't Noah Wyle so cute as Dr. Carter?" I could simply say "Yeah, isn't he?" It was no big deal, and that was a whole new world to me. I spent a week there, letting my personality expand slowly as I peeked out from behind the closet door. It was such a liberating experience, and I almost didn't get on the plane to come back to Wyoming. I almost turned my back on a full-ride scholarship, my friends, family, job....everything. All because I got to be me...fully and freely.

I often hear comments like "why do you have to flaunt it so much" or "do you have to shove it in people's faces?" I especially love hearing that from someone wearing a wedding or engagement ring, or someone with family photos on their desk or wall. Isn't THAT flaunting your heterosexuality too? If straight people have the right to talk openly about their husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc., so do I. I shouldn't have to worry about how someone will react when I introduce Jesse as my husband. I'm not going to hide my life because other people can't deal with it.

NCOD is always a sad time of year for me, though, as it's a reminder that tomorrow is the anniversary of Matt's death. This year has been especially tough: there have been seven GLBT suicides in the news lately. Young people who were bullied, called names, broadcast publicly, or otherwise socially abused. I can't quite explain how much it hurts me to hear of GLBTQ people taking their own lives at a time when I'm constantly reminded of someone taken out of the world too soon. Someone I can't get to know better.

When I was in 9th grade, I almost killed myself. I had listened to one too many people tell me how horrible gay people were. That I couldn't be a teacher or a father. That I was going to be a child molester, was going to get AIDS, and would never find true love because it was all about a never-ending string of anonymous hookups. So one day, I woke up ready to take every pill in the house. Thankfully, the Universe had other plans, because my best friend called me to drive into Gillette and do something fun. I figured, "sure, why not? I can just take the pills when I get home."

I truly don't remember what we did that day, but I remember that it was indeed a good day. When I got home, I realized that had I gone through with my plan, I would have missed out on that good day. And that even though there seemed to be so many bad days or moments, the good ones meant that much more to me. It took me a long time to dig out of the dark hole of despair I had created, but I did it. There were more dark days, and some VERY dark days. But it did get better.

And here I am today. I own my own home and I got married to a wonderful man this summer . Not only do I have a job, but I have a job I enjoy...and I got it BECAUSE of my diversity. I have some of the most amazing friends on the planet, and I wouldn't have met them if I'd never come out. I wouldn't have met Matt...or his family. I wouldn't have met Jesse, or his family. And I would still be sad and scared, hiding in a closet of my own creation.

And that's why I'm here, coming out all over again. I'm coming out because I can, and I know there are many out there who still can't. Because it's too scary, because it's not safe, or because it's not the right time. Coming out for the first time can be a big deal, and it's a personal decision that everyone must make for themselves. It's why I don't shout "come out, come out, wherever you are" from the rooftops. But I hope that my shouting it helps others understand that they're not alone. And that it does get better.

So happy National Coming Out Day. Hopefully you can join us out here...the lighting is so much better. But if you're still not ready or able, it's okay. We'll save you a seat at our table. In the meantime, call the Trevor Project (www.thetrevorproject.org) if you need help. You're worth it. Just promise me that you'll still be around for dinner when the time comes...

When is it enough?

2010-09-29T11:59:00.004-06:00

I'm having a hard time containing rage this morning. Recently we've seen some movement on issues like Don't Ask/Don't Tell, gay marriage, GLBTQ adoption and parenting, etc. We continue to make progress and move toward fairness and equality, but as other stories stack up, it's not enough.

News came today that a third student within a month died after committing suicide. Their stories are all tragic, and for so many GLBTQ people...all too familiar. They faced taunting, teasing, and bullying. Often when they finally spoke out and tried to get help from those around them, their pleas fell on deaf ears. It appears that schools didn't do enough to protect or support them.

A Serbian man is heading back to court, fighting for asylum...and his life. He was beaten in school, attacked and disowned by his father, raped and abused in the military, and is now facing being sent back. Why is he heading BACK to court? Because the original judge denied his request, stating that he didn't seem obviously gay and so shouldn't be at as much risk as he was claiming.

How is that so many politicians, clergy, and citizens around the country don't "get it" when an 11 year old boy has a broken arm and may require surgery? His crime? He's a cheerleader, and that's not manly enough. Even though there are 40,000 male cheerleaders in high schools and colleges around the country, our antiquated expectations of masculinity are still so strong that people feel justified in hate and violence. He talks about loving the tumbling and cheering on his friends...and got a cast as a reward.

How much blood has to be spilled? How many bones must be broken? And how many of our children must end their lives to avoid the pain before people truly begin to wake up?

We need to stop allowing religious zealots from imposing their particular flavor of morals on everyone else, especially by dumping money at ballot initiatives. We need to stop allowing people to claim we're pedophiles and that we're trying to destroy America's families and values. I've been talking about these issues for years now, and I've always tried to be respectful of other people's viewpoints. Each day, those viewpoints are now causing more pain and injury than ever before. And I'm pissed about it.

I've often reminded people that when we begin to make progress, there is usually a backlash in response. During the civil rights and women's rights movements, there came a point at which violence increased. It's a desperate response, designed to send us running back to the closet in fear. I hope it's also a clarion call for fair-minded (and humane) people everywhere. Holding onto the hate and bias against GLBTQ is literally killing us. The name calling, the bullying, the attacks, the denial of rights...they all weigh on us.

They weigh on your children. Your nephews and nieces. The neighbor kid down the street. They weigh on your siblings, your coworkers, and your classmates. Gay people are everywhere, and that's not going to change. If the bruises and bloodshed aren't a clear enough signal that something is wrong and MUST change, I don't know what more it will take.

Also know that we have limits to our patience. I can't quite find words to explain the depths of my rage and sadness right now. Part of me wants to walk up and slap the face of people who continue to spread venom and hatred. Part of me says violence is not the answer. Most of me wants to scream from the rooftops with a bullhorn until people understand that your words and inaction can and do cause as much pain as actual violence. That if you keep it up, it might be your cousin who next hangs herself from a tree. It might be your son who's beaten by a group of 4 other students. That if he fits one too many of the stereotypes, it won't really matter whether he's actually straight or not...and you will have only yourselves to thank.

How long before people realize on a fundamental level that nobody deserves to be hurt because of who they are or what they believe? If you don't get that simplest of concepts, I say you fail at life. "Go stand in the corner and think about what you've done" doesn't seem to cut the mustard in this case. This is dumb, and I'm tired of wasting time and breath on something so obvious and basic.

Today's lesson: Realize that even people you don't agree with or even like are PEOPLE too. Get over it, or get the fuck off our planet so the rest of us can get on with the myriad of other problems we've got to fix.

Update on Oct 1: I wanted to post a great video too. There are several posts out there with the "It Gets Better" Project. This is my favorite, from San Francisco.

The single post (for Jerry)

2010-07-27T14:04:00.003-06:00

There's been so much going on lately, and so much going on inside my brain.

There was the annual Taylor/Knapp boy's camping trip to the family cabin over Memorial Day. A nice getaway involving drinking, grilling, poker and other card games....all in a picturesque setting with a pack of rowdies.
In June, I travelled to Buffalo, WY to do a diversity presentation for a teacher's conference. It was for a group of career and technical instructors, including family/consumer sciences, business, health sciences/nursing, and shop. A strange group, but it went well, and is proof that there's still good work going on and we're making a difference...slowly but surely!
Later in June we got to head to Denver for Pride. It was great to see most everyone again, and we needed the break in a big way. There were plenty of scantily clad beefcakes running around, and we sipped a cocktail or two while occasionally pausing to admire the scenery.
July 4th means Freedom Has a Birthday, Laramie's hometown celebration. There's music, food, and vendors in the park, which is packed with people and puppies. Dexter went with us and did pretty well considering the chaos and crowds. Troy and Maggie were once again the base of operations and we couldn't have asked for better hosts!
July 10th we had to get ready for the Jubilee Days parade. Since Jesse's running for coroner, we borrowed the O'Malleys Mustang convertible, printed some signs, and imposed on our friends to help pass out 60 pounds of candy. (We're still eating candy, by the way...) We no sooner took the car back and headed to Douglas for the Knapp family reunion. It was great to see so many of the family again, especially those who can't make it back for our wedding.
Work hasn't been as slow as I'd like; our office was involved with a number of summer programs bringing in students from a partner school back east. It meant an usual amount of work I don't normally do: reserving rooms in dorms, arranging meal plans, etc. We also had lunches, brunches, and dinners to plan, arrange, and/or attend. Paperwork didn't end, and working in an office that's 85 degrees at 7:30am isn't always a joy.
And then, of course, there's the wedding!

For the last year or so, I've been working to plan, organize, and strap together a fabulous yet affordable wedding. So here were are about 4 days before the big event. The garage has been exorcised, the defunct hot tub cut out and replaced with decking, the yard weeded and planted, the house scrubbed and buffed, and everything else has been dusted,vacuumed, polished, wiped, or otherwise spiffed up. I did the invitations, the website, the programs, and all the fun paperwork type stuff. I don't know where'd we'd be if Jesse's mom hadn't volunteered to take care of the reception food and decorations!

To say that I've been busy and stressed would be a gross understatement. I've been so lucky to have a host of friends remind me that all will be well, that only the "I do" part really matters, and that we don't have to do everything alone. So many of our friends are helping out with photos, video, music, webcasting, flowers, cakes...we're humbled and amazed at the family we've created here. It means so much that so many are coming to be with us, and we can't wait to see the smiling faces we've missed for weeks or years...

Everyone asks if I'm nervous yet. I am, but not about marrying Jesse. That's the one thing I'm not stressing over. It's the details and planning and "what if's..." I've been in enough weddings to know that things WILL go wrong...and they have. I know that we will reach a point where something with either happen or it won't; the big stuff is all pretty much nailed down, so the rest is just details. Truth be told, we'll be so glad when this whole hooplah is behind us, and we can get back to normality... We're looking forward to the party, but also a week on a cruise ship without any contact with "back home." Bring on the sun, sand, and cocktails!

I don't know that I expect to feel any different after the wedding is all over, but I know that I can't wait to live out this day we've spent so much time planning. It won't be perfect, of course, but it will be perfectly us. And I will be the luckiest man around...I know, it's cliche, but it's what's racing through my mind now. So for now, I'll sign off so that I can finish the list of wedding photos. That's about all that's left other than setting my out of office message and forwarding the phone. Two weeks to focus on my life without worrying about work...how lucky can a girl get?

Dear Pope...

2010-05-14T11:34:00.003-06:00

I've had it. Nobody, including myself, should be surprised that the Pope is anti-gay and pointedly opposed to gay marriage. I disagree with him (a LOT), but I've had just about enough. Same sex marriages are apparently "insidious" and "dangerous." For some reason, the family unit itself must be protected from the threat we pose to the common good.

Mr. Pope, with all due respect (and that's a pretty small amount by now), fuck you! I'm tired of someone with a past connection to the Nazi party judging others (lest ye be...dot dot dot). Stop distracting folks from the issues you SHOULD be focused on. I'm tired of someone who has helped hide truly prolific pedophile priests getting his holy panties in a bunch because I want the same rights everyone else enjoys. Stop blaming us...being gay is NOT the same thing as being a pedophile. Just ask the APA, AMA, and countless other groups. They're smart people, and have been studying the issue for some time.

I agree that we're facing huge problems in the world today. Terrorism, damage to our environment, unstable economies, the AIDS crisis, cancer, access to health care...they're all serious problems that we need to address NOW by working together across whatever lines might divide us. But how will having legal recognition for my relationship destroy the time/space continuum? Belgium, Holland, Sweden, Norway, and Canada have had it for a while...and NOTHING happened. The divorce rates didn't spike. The marriage rates didn't plunge. There wasn't an explosion of orphans. Or famine, plague, war, etc.

And let's take a moment to get something clear: you don't OWN marriage. Even in modern society, a church isn't required to get married. You can go to a justice of the peace or a judge pretty much anywhere. Marriage means different things in different cultures, and NO church has the right to say this is what marriage is supposed to be about for ALL people. It's been about property, politics, family status, wealth, land...and sometimes even love. You do not have the right to say that my love or my family isn't real because it doesn't match your definition.

So back the train up, your "holiness." Why don't you spend some time getting your own house in order before you worry about what's going on in mine? Why don't you focus your considerable influence (and treasury) on helping feed and shelter the homeless? Or providing care for the sick? In short...why don't you use your powers for good? Stop wasting your time defaming love...you know, that word that gets used a lot in the Bible? That's supposed to be the cornerstone of your entire faith? Ringing any bells yet? Please stop manufacturing fear, spreading hurtful lies, and trying to keep people from loving one another...it's just rude.

Time to Smite the Mortals

2010-04-06T09:09:00.002-06:00

It's probably a very good thing I don't actually have this power, because the list of smite-ees would be long indeed. Granted I've been getting over a cold and had a sick honey, so I might be overly cranky. Lately the things making me more testy have to do with overreaction from uninformed loudmouths.

UW's Social Justice Research Center had announced it was bringing Bill Ayers to campus to speak. He is a VERY controversial figure, to be sure, but was coming to speak about education reform, not war or bombs. When the news got out, there was certainly plenty of public...comment. His speech was cancelled soon after... again, to the tune of much comment. I made a point of reading the articles and public comments on the Boomerang website, and they made me quite sad.

One side of the debate ranted about how taxpayer money could be used to pay a terrorist to speak to our poor, impressionable youth. Many threatened to stop donating to UW, called for the resignation of the President and the SJRC Chair, and/or generally threw a hissy fit about "liberals" and "socialists" trying to take over everything and brainwash everyone. Some said they wouldn't consider sending their kids to Laramie for school if someone so horrid as Ayers was allowed on campus. Others said he should be turned away at the Colorado border, and some suggested anyone who wanted to hear him should leave too.

The other side went nutty when the speech was cancelled. They accused UW and the SJRC of caving in to outside pressure, being only focused on making more money, and destroying any hope of free speech. They howled about how UW let Dick Cheney speak on campus and accepted a pile of money, usually referring to him as a war criminal. The press releases said that professional and security concerns were the reason his visit was cancelled, and that sent the "Let him speak"ers into a tizzy even more. "It wasn't a problem for Cheney," they said.

Folks on both sides got rather out of control, as seems to be the norm for political or controversial debates these days. They engaged in name-calling, fear mongering, and rested their arguments on the worst logical fallacies. People posted under names like "KillBill," "NoInfringment," "Fire Rios ASAP," and "SocialismSucks." In short...they behaved like 5 year olds. Both sides told the other that they didn't know what they were talking about, blamed them for all the country's woes, and were frothing-at-the-mouth mad.

Maybe my problem is that I can see both sides of the issue. I understand why people were upset about Ayers' visit. I also understand why people wanted to hear him speak. I also know something about being in the center of controversy...and having to deal with security concerns. I have to admit that I do not have specific knowledge about threats that were made privately to UW or the SJRC's director, Francisco Rios. I do know what I've heard people say around town and what I read on comment forums online, and can only imagine how much further anonymous messages went.

When someone threatens your life or your family, it's hard not to think twice about moving forward. I had some real gems when we did Angel Action. I had more with anniversaries of Matt's death, other protests by Phelps, or articles that were published. I ignored them because it was ME on the line. If the threats had been against my family or friends, things might have been different. I refuse to judge Francisco for cancelling the event because I don't know what went into his decision. I'm sure it wasn't made lightly, quickly, or easily. I know what I saw online, and that even more nasty messages were removed. What else was removed? Threats to bomb the speech? To bomb Francisco or his family? The SJRC? Innocent students and community members who made the mistake of attending? How far would you push if others might be at risk?

I also understand that standing up for what's right is always important, not just when it's safe or easy to do it. But what else would have been involved? How much security would have been necessary to ensure everyone's safety? How much would it have cost the University? Most of the threats I received were from anonymous folks living who knows where, usuing aliases like "Dr. Giggles." There was one that scared me, though. It was from a UW student...someone local. It was a veiled, non-specific threat. The type that's hard to prepare for and equally hard to imagine...but hard not to take seriously. There's a reason there were snipers on the rooftops at the courthouse and Union when Phelps and the Angels were in action.

In today's Branding Iron, mixed in with even more letter about the Ayers cancellation, was a letter to the editor from a UW student. She claims that a session at the Shepard Symposium condones the bashing of religion. The session in question is centered around a documentary film that includes criticism of James Dobson of Focus on the Family fame. I should note that the film hasn't played in Laramie before. I suppose it's possible that she saw it somewhere else, but suspect it's more likely she's made up her mind about what the film says without even seeing it.

The irony is that in her letter, she talks about how "whenever you tell one group that another is spewing hate and hateful actions, it is a recipe for creating hatred, not to mention discrimination, violations of rights and violent civil action." She then proceeds to finish her letter by saying that our "state institution" is "monstrasizing (sic) a faith." Didn't you just say this film, which you've never seen, is hate speech? While in the same breath saying you shouldn't say someone else hates? If you don't like that particular session, don't go. I happen to agree that Dobson is a hate monger, though I'm pretty sure she doesn't, but that doesn't mean I think all Christians are haters.

It also just so happens that I know the filmmaker in question. She works at DU, and I encouraged her to submit the film as a session for consideration to the Symposium. I admit that I have not seen the film myself yet, but also know that as a documentarian, human being, and devout Christian, Sheila did not create a project that bashes any religion.

My point today is this: somewhere along the line we forgot how to think and reason, or at the very least we forgot how to teach our kids to do it. We forgot that it's okay to debate someone's case if we don't agree with them, but not their character. That we should educate ourselves before stepping onto a soapbox. That we should listen to ideas that are not our own - and have enough faith in ourselves that we won't agree with something we shouldn't. We may not always like the games that other kids are playing, but it's their playground too.

No really, I'm alive

2010-02-26T11:12:00.002-07:00

As Jerry has been pointing out to me, it's been AGES since I did a post. So here are some quick updates and highlights from the last couple months:

Our volleyball team, The Deadbeats, had a great time last season, though we didn't have a great record. We've always said that we're a drinking team with a volleyball problem, and we meant it. We can't wait to start up again this Spring!
In November, I traveled to Kentucky to speak at an ACLU youth conference. It certainly wasn't the most lavish or luxurious trip ever, but I had a great time. The students were amazing and inspiring. I only spoke for about an hour, but got to spend most of the day with the students. I also got to spend a fair amount of time with Calloway, who used to live here in Laramie. He's still quite young, but was my driver and entertainment committee for most of the trip. I also got to travel to a fundraiser event for a statewide GLBT group. It would have been fun in and of itself, but riding on a limo bus (with 2 bars) and a gaggle of giggling gays made it a great way to let my hair down, blow off steam, and relax at the end of a long trip.
Honey and I hosted a Thanks-gay-ving dinner at our place this year. Since Jesse was on call at work, we couldn't go to Kaycee to be with his family. We made 2 turkeys, because one just wouldn't be enough. A host of friends were able to join us, and we were stuffed to the gills. We only ate one turkey, of course, but the second provided leftovers like turkey enchiladas, turkey and noodle soup, and other tasty goodness for days. We couldn't be with ALL our family, but at least got to be some of them.
Since it's been a very lean year financially, we decided that the best thing we could do for holiday gifts was to bake ourselves stupid. We made over 1500 cookies, several batches of party mix, and topped off plates of goodies with candy canes and chocolates. It meant too many hours in front of an oven or mixer, but it was also kind of fun to dust off my mom's old family favorites. I hadn't had some of them since Mom died, so it was like weeks of sugary nostalgia.
We made it to about 7 holiday parties thanks to friends, family, and work. It sure kept us hopping and juggling schedules, but it was worth it to spend a bit of time with folks. We don't get to see everyone nearly enough, but know you're always in our hearts and the next time we're together, the laughter and cocktails will flow freely!
As usual, we spent Xmas up in Kaycee with Jesse's fam. They would hurt us if we didn't. We drove up the morning of Xmas Eve, had dinner with his folks and grandpa, then opened presents. We didn't get tons of expensive loot, but certainly had enough little packages to open to make us smile. We then obeyed Mom's next commandment: "We're going to go do karaoke at the bar." Being no strangers to public singing (and drinking) and being duly afraid of pissing off Mama Taylor, we grabbed our hats and gloves. Several hours later, I had very little voice left. The next morning we got up early to help set up for the big family celebration at the community hall. The snow storms came before Jesse and I were suppose to head back to Laramie, though Ryan and Squidly got a bit delayed. As they were going back to work, they didn't mind much at all.
Work has certainly been keeping both honey and I busy. This semester he's also taking 19 credit hours. My office has been processing paperwork left and right and reviewing complaints every time we turn around. Work is never dull, though it would probably be nice to have a third person around full-time again. I continue to do harassment trainings and speaking to classes now and then. In January I was asked to be the opening speaker for The Good Mule Project's conference. I spoke about diversity and it seemed like it went well. Honey and I got to attend the dinner too, and it was great to see students so excited and passionate about going out and getting involved.
Laramie Reproductive Health is working to sell our old building, and we're coming down to the wire. It'll be nice to have some reserve capital again, not have to worry about maintenance issues, and cut down some of the utility bills. It's meant several extra meetings for me as the Board President, but will be well worth it down the road.
Then, of course, there's a wedding to plan. After several months of looking around for the best venue, we've spent the last couple weeks making final decisions. Next we do invitations and save the date magnets. I've had the magnet design done for months, but it looks like we can only afford a single mailing for folks, so they've been on hold. Invitations are another story, but I'm not too scared. Registries are filling out nicely, we're getting close to locking in catering, cakes, and all the details that go with it. We're talking about flowers, as our friend Janet said that's her gift to us.
Speaking of Janet, I once again spent some time around Valentine's Day working for Killian's Florist. It started many years ago when my friend Stephan was working there doing deliveries. He asked if I'd like some extra work driving a second van so they could keep up with the huge list of orders. The last couple years, Janet's also asked me to come in before the big day to help around the shop, add greenery to vases and arrangements before they add the pretty posies, and whatever else needs doing. This year I moved up again. She taught me how to arrange a half dozen roses, do wraps, bud vases, cubes, and other small projects. So rather than just adding green filler, I was doing actual arrangements! I was thrilled to learn from the best florist in town, and honored that she trusted me and decided I was good enough to send out my arrangements with the name of her business on it. I spent about 25 hours there total over 3 days, but had a lot of fun...albeit very little sleep.
Our friend William was in town for a few weeks before Valentine's too. He'd been driving truck and brought his brother out on the road with him for a while and to show him Laramie, his "home base." But many years on the road were wearing on him, so his brother rented a car to drive back to NY and Will drove his semi back to Omaha to return it to the company. They bought him a bus ticket and he got back to town Feb 13th (while Jesse and I were delivering flowers). Since then, he's been staying in our spare room and will be there for a few months until he gets on his feet. The job hunt continues and he wants to get a place of his own, but in the meantime it's been kind of nice having a (sometimes overly) conscientious houseguest/roomie around. He cleans up continually; I keep opening the dish washer and finding it empty. That's not always a shocker, except these days there isn't a stack of dirty dishes in the sink or on the counter. The vacuum keeps mysteriously running when we're not home, and the dogs have usually been fed before honey and I even get home. He helps cook, buy groceries, and keeps us laughing. Now to find him a man, a job, and a house/apartment!
Of course I've been doing my part to work on the "gay agenda." I've spoken to classes in Nursing and Social Work, spoken to a class at LHS where students are also getting LCCC credit, and done a SafeZone session for the Safe Project, our local domestic violance and sexual assault agency. Rest assured, I'm still overly gay. And as AIDS Walk gets closer, we're ramping up planning and preparation for another great walk and night of bingo. This year we're moving on up to the Hilton, and are pre-selling tickets this year. Once they're ready and available, I'll let you all know. :)

So there's a highlight reel of my life as of late. As you can see, it's been a non-stop run. I usually don't know if I'm coming or going, and have to refer to my Outlook calendar to see what in the hell I'm doing (or supposed to be, at any rate) later today. Honey and I are doing well, though this semester has been a rough one. He's buried in school and homework most of the time, and I'm doing my best to keep clothes clean, dogs fed, and dishes washed. Sooner or later, the race pace will slow and I'll be able to take a breath. I think that's called a honeymoon...and ours is a 7 day cruise in the Carribean. Not too shabby, eh?

A long time coming

2009-10-22T16:51:00.002-06:00

Today I received news that the Matthew Shepard Act has passed the Senate and will be heading to President Obama's desk for signature. So many of us have watched and waited for 11 years. We have written letters, called our representatives, spoken to our neighbors and relatives, and believed that one day we would prevail. We certainly didn't expect it to take this long, nor did anyone envision that it would be connected to a DOD spending bill. Truthfully, none of that matters to me today - only that we did it.

I've sent the message to the Spectrum lists, texted some of my friends, and shared the links on Facebook. A couple of friends have asked me how I'm doing; it's probably because I mentioned I couldn't stop crying. I'm pretty sure they're tears of joy, though. To be honest, I'm a bit overwhelmed. After 11 years, it doesn't quite feel real. So many times we've come close to getting it passed, only to be turned away at the 11th hour. The last year hasn't been all success, either. After Prop 8 passed in California, I was left feeling somewhat discouraged. After all our hard work, after opening our lives and hearts to strangers so that they might understand, how could they still not get it?

Today's vote signals to me that we really are making progress. It gives me a renewed belief that we will see equality in my day. That soon my marriage will mean something everywhere. That we will ensure ALL students feel safe and welcome in school. That we will all be respected and treated like human beings. The way Matt would have done it. It tells me that we will repeal the discriminatory laws, and enact protections. And that our hard work is not in vain.

Most of all, I'm thinking about Matt. I know that he's smiling today, but also egging us on to do more. Don't stop here, because there's still so much that has to happen. We can't rest yet, but today at least, we can take comfort in our success. Matt, I renew my promise to you: I won't stop until everyone is safe.

Thinking of you...

2009-10-08T15:49:00.002-06:00

I usually send a message your way on the 7th, but I know you'll forgive my tardiness; I've been sick with a cold. I've been thinking about you a lot lately; I always do this time of year. I still miss you, even after all these years. I miss seeing your smile on campus and getting a chance to talk to you about your Poli Sci class or the paper that's stressing you out. I miss the sparkle in your eye as we talk about the upcoming events for Gay Awareness Week. Did you know that it's now a whole month? I was just getting to know you when you left. I had hopes that you'd become an officer for the student group; you sure seemed to have leadership skills, personality, and enthusiasm.

So much has changed since then, and yet, at the same time, so much hasn't. Part of me wants to apologize for the things that haven't. I wish we had stronger laws today - I don't know that it would have made a difference or changed the outcome, but at least it would make a statement that what happened is not okay to us as a society. I wish that the government took people like us more seriously - or at least treated us as people. That you could hold any job for which you're qualified, live in any place you can afford, and visit your loved one in any hospital. Most of all, I wish you were still here. I'm sure there's more we could have done to make these things happen sooner, but I also know there's only so much we can do at once. And I know that they WILL happen.

I'm also proud of what we have done, though. Policies here HAVE changed, and we've come a long way since you were here. We've got a resource center now, and you should see how many students hang out there during the day. We go talk to a lot of classes every semester, and so many programs are firmly established now. What you must think of where we are. I often wonder how much of that we owe, at least in part, to you. I don't really have an answer, and I know it's not as simple as cause/effect relationships. Time and progress move on with or without us, but I know deep in my soul that you're a part of all this. Somehow, that knowledge helps a bit, though perhaps that's just mental defenses trying to rationalize and protect from pain.

It seems like someone is always asking me about you. Wanting to know more. Trying to understand. I hope I'm doing you justice; I worry about that all the time. I can only wonder what you'd say about something, how you'd react to this news or that event. I'm sorry that so many people have said such horrible things about you, but I also know that's nothing new to either of us. I'm sorry so many people have tried to twist the way you left - make it seem more justified...or somehow blame you. I've tried to give people the full story, but I can't force folks to listen and I can't stop rumors and misinformation from flying wildly. I've tried to do what I think is right, and what I think would represent you and your ideals. We both know I'm not alone - there are thousands of folks out there doing great work. How amazing is your mom?! She never ceases to amaze me.

It's not always easy. I admit that I get tired at times, and sometimes I just don't want to relive the horror, shock, and pain. When that happens, I try to think of your smile, your laugh, and the fact that you're not around to speak up for yourself. I know it's not my fault or my job, but I feel like someone ought to speak on your behalf. To tell people your story in the hopes that someone might be spared what you endured. That their hearts will be softened or lifted, and that hope and understanding will fill that space. That they'll be a little bit more like you. I know you weren't perfect, but I still look up to you. I won't get the chance to see what you could have done, but I hope that what I do makes you proud...and that you'll let me know somehow that your amazing smile is still here with me.

I miss you, Matt.

(In memorium, Matthew Shepard: Dec 1, 1976 - Oct 12, 1998)

A letter to Gary

2009-08-28T13:16:00.003-06:00

For the record, I was working on a nicer, less political/militant/bitchy post, and then I read my daily gay news update. For those who are part of the inside joke, just read the following post and imagine a % symbol on either side of the whole thing.

Gentle readers, I'd like to introduce you to Gary Herbert, the new governor of Utah - I'd like to have a conversation with Gary today, though you're free to listen in. The previous gov, Jon Huntsman, is off to take a new job as the ambassador to China. Congrats, Jon. When asked why he doesn't support GLBTQ rights bills like Jon did, Gary had this to say:

"We don't have to have a rule for everybody to do the right thing. We ought to
just do the right thing because it's the right thing to do and we don't have to
have a law that punishes us if we don't."

The full article is at http://www.advocate.com/news_detail_ektid107916.asp if you're interested, though I should warn you - it might make your brain bleed a little bit. I know it did mine. I'm afraid we don't live in Candyland, though they have rules there too, come to think of it. I would say that most people resist their homocidal tendicies by not killing people...but it's not because it's considered "doing the right thing." No, we have laws that prohibit such actions, and they comes with penalties that punish folks who just can't seem to do what's right. The simple truth of the matter is that not everyone does the right thing all the time, and that we should prepare ourselves for the times when they don't. I like to call this "reality."

Gary also said it would bog the state down in "minutiae." Really, Gary? Can I call you Gary? I don't believe that visiting my partner in the hospital or being able to get him insurance (which we currently can't) is minutiae. And Gary, I don't think it's "trivial" that he would have to pay extra inheritance taxes on the house if something happened to me. And it's not a "detail" that he can legally be fired for being gay.

Gary went on to ask "Where do you stop? I mean, that's the problem going down that slippery road. Pretty soon we're going to have a special law for blue-eyed blonds ... or people who are losing their hair a little bit." I realize that as a new governor you're probably a very busy guy, Gary, but let's try to stay on topic. I'd appreciate it if we could compare apples and apples here, if you know what I mean. We're not firing people for being blonde and we're not saying you can't get married if you're bald. Our laws DO prevent regular folks like me from doing the same thing because I happen to love another man. Also for the record, the "slippery slope" argument is a type of logical fallacy. I learned to avoid these in debate, clear back in 9th grade, but it seems Gary didn't.

Gary, imagine for a moment that you lived in a world where a majority of the folks happen to be gay, but you're still straight. (I hope I'm not assuming too much, Gary - I'm going to guess that you're just unaware, rather than think you're a masochistic, self-loathing queen who needs to put down the dress and come out of the closet and into the light with the rest of us...but I digress.) Would it be fair for the gay society to take away over 1000 federal rights and privileges? Would you be willing and able to change who you love just so you can fit in? When you can't find a job, rent an apartment, or have your partner at your bedside in ICU, would it still just be "minutiae" or "a slippery slope?"

Gary, I read about your comments in a daily news update. Earlier this week there was a story about a Michigan man who was attacked in a park by his neighbors because he's gay; they beat him severly and burned him with cigarettes. Today's included a followup story announcing the sentence in another case of assault, this time in Dallas. This summer I've read about Fort Worth police beating a man in a gay bar during a "routine check," a teacher who was fired for being gay, and a pastor who claims a tornado was God's punishment for allowing gay clergy. Oh silly me, I guess that was all just this month, my mistake. Are these minor annoyances too, the kind that would "bog down" the government?

You know, Gary, I've been told there are a number of folks living in Utah who happen to be LDS. Now I don't agree with a whole lot the Mormon Church says, but I respect their right to say and believe it. I also don't think it's okay to persecute anyone of any faith for their beliefs as long as those beliefs stay within the confines of the law. I'm very glad we have laws that protect religious folks' employment, right to marry, right to buy a house, etc. I know there are folks out there who might fire people over their religion or make comments about "those people" moving into the neighborhood. Gary, don't you think everyone deserves the same respect?

Take your ball and go home

2009-07-21T11:34:00.004-06:00

And here's where I try to offend and enrage some of my friends. For those not in Laramie, there was a bit of a row when UW announced the closure of the Geological Museum along with a host of other cuts made necessary by a shortfall in the budget. There were letters to the editor, messages across listserves, and video posts decrying the action. "Where will the children learn about dinosaurs!? How will they learn to love science?!" Essentially, the message was that the big bad President and his cronies were taking the dinos away from the kiddos. Of course, it's not as simple as all that.

Don't get me wrong; I wasn't happy to hear the museum was closing either. My mother brought us here on vacations, and we always made it a point to swing through the museum. I came here with just about any school trip that made it as far south as Laramie, and remember walking through the display of rocks that reacted to UV lights on junior high and high school trips for competitions held on campus. As a student at UW, I would stroll through from time to time, checking to see what was new or what had changed. I don't want to see it close, but I also know that President Buchanan and the rest of the UW admin don't WANT it to happen either.

Budget problems mean tough choices. They can mean that Jesse and I don't join our friends for a night on the town because we have to buy dog food for the kids and Ramen for ourselves. They can also mean that a museum closes to save staffing dollars and overhead costs, rather than cutting scholarship programs that keep current students in school or cutting a major from the books. No matter what gets cut, you can be certain that SOMEONE is not going to like it, someone is going to miss the services they once enjoyed, and someone might lose their job. I'm certainly glad I'm not the person who has to decide which person isn't needed as much as someone else. But that's the choice we're left with at times. I may not agree with all the decisions made, but I also don't have ALL the facts in front of me. Call me foolish, but having spent some time with the President and other admin types at UW, I really do believe they have its best interests at heart.

This week UW announced that the Foundation had secured funding for a security position for the museum, meaning they can reopen their doors. True, it will probably not have the same hours, and there won't be a curator there to offer tours on a whim. It's not the same as it was. To me, it's much more important that UW listened to the public outcry, and did what they could to make it better. The kids can once again see the dinosaurs. They can wonder at the "ordinary rocks" that glow in the dark when you push the button for the black light. Science has once again been given to the little ones. Wouldn't you think that people would be a bit happier?

So far, I've only heard complaints. "What about Brent's (the curator) job? Who will lead tours?! Who will share their knowledge?! This is unacceptable!" This angers me. I wish Brent could keep his job and that nothing had to change. But it does, and it doesn't help matters to point fingers and do nothing but bitch. It might be an assumption, but I figure most visitors to the museum can read, and there's plenty of signage to offer a self-guided tour. Not every museum has tours, and yet I've managed to enjoy and learn from them anyway. For those who are too young to read, it's a pretty safe bet that they'll be accompanied by someone who can. Parents or teachers, perhaps. Will people get the same amount of info, or be able to have a random question answered on the spot? Probably not.

So what? Shockingly enough, you might have to go LOOK UP INFORMATION FOR YOURSELF. You might have to go find an answer for your children. And that's actually a good thing, folks. It teaches them how to get answers for themselves, rather than having to rely on someone else being there to spoon-feed you facts. My mother made me look up words in the dictionary too, and I lived to tell about it. I even developed a thirst for knowledge, and to this day will look up info on my own. It's called learning. I refuse to believe that we've become so lazy that we are incapable of learning on our own. We're too used to asking Wikipedia, the History Channel, our professors, the nightly news, or anyone else to tell us what's important. To condense knowledge into bite-sized digestible pieces that fit into our shortened attention spans.

UW is doing its best to meet folks half-way. They know the museum is a great resource and that it's important to people. So they're doing what they can in a tough situation. The way I see it, we can sit back and poo-poo the fact that it won't be as good as it was or exactly the way we think it ought to be. We can focus on what they're not GIVING us rather than the effort they're making despite a lack of funds. Or we could recognize that they're focusing on what people said was the biggest problem with the closure. That they're willing to listen to public comment. Which is more wise? I know what my mother would have done. She's the one who taught me that if someone else is buying and cooking grilled cheese for dinner, I better not complain that it's not the steak I really wanted.

So don't expect sympathy or sorrow from me because you only got part of what you asked for. Don't be surprised if I don't loathe the President with the same venom as you because he had to make a tough choice. My mother raised me better than that, and perhaps if more people did the same, our students would score better on tests, be better prepared before entering the work force, and would develop a deeper love of learning...you know...that stuff you said was the most tragic loss and insult. The learning will still be there, you just might have to be a little more active in the process.

Today's lesson...well, lessons:

Sometimes we can't have everything we want; it might just help us to appreciate what we DO have.
There isn't always enough to go around, but it might help us think about what we can do without.
We don't always get to set the rules of the game or decide who gets to play, and there's no promise we'll win. The important thing is that we play fair, be good competitors (even when we don't get our way), and don't just try to pick up our ball and go home when we're not happy.

The Bug Has Bitten

2009-06-23T13:06:00.002-06:00

Recently I decided it was time to begin planning the wedding in earnest. I'd been out to a few wedding sites before, and bookmarked things that looked like they would come in handy. I finally got them printed off and organized in a binder. I set up a wedding website, created our wedding registries, and we started talking about things like colors. We've already got an officiant, DJ, photographer, and the wedding party pretty well nailed down, thanks to fabulous friends. All of this was kind of fun, and I felt rather ahead of the game. I started on a guest list, and from there am looking into available venues. And then I went to a wedding...

Jesse's brother Ryan and I went to Kaycee this last weekend for their cousin's wedding. Haley and Geoff are amazing people, and are hellaciously fun to boot. Of course we agreed to do whatever we could to help out with preparations and such. So we spent a few days hanging thule, setting up chairs, arranging flowers, and doing most any task that needed doing. We hauled around the bride, helped figure out how to make things pretty, and played MC at the reception. Our bodies were sore and our feet were blistered, but we had a lot of fun too.

I tend to tear up at weddings, but this time I lost it about 15 seconds into the ceremony. The couple is very close to our hearts, and we'd invested a lot of time in everything turning out just so. And it did. Haley was a vision. Geoff looked incredible in his suit. Yet all I could think about was that in just over a year, I'd be doing the same thing with Jesse - celebrating our love and commitment to one another. Formalizing what's in our hearts. I can't wait!

Today's lesson: Do something for someone you care about, for no other reason than: you can. You just might enjoy it, and learn something about yourself in the process.

Silver Linings

2009-06-10T09:42:00.003-06:00

Yup, I have an acute case. Of the blah's, that is. So many of my friends have been commenting on the fact that it's June, yet we're stuck with day after day of rain, cold, and gray. It's been fairly nice in the mornings, but by the time we're getting off work, it's storming again. We've had hail, rain, and rain. In Goshen County and Aurora, CO there were tornadoes. Every day we fear for the safety of the tender young, impressionable plants we worked so hard to plant...and paid a fair chunk of change for.

We're used to fairly decent weather this time of year. The old joke is that Wyoming has two seasons: winter and construction. Looking around, I note that there are several streets torn up and that highways to most anywhere come with a delay. So where's the sunshine and 75 degree weather we dream of all winter long? It takes a lot out of a person. I can tell Jesse is crankier when he can't go mow, pull weeds, or otherwise putter in the yard. I know that I'm happier when it I don't freeze my ass off in the office all day long and when I can lounge in the sun and fresh air.

I keep trying to look at the bright side, though. When it's warm outside, my office can also be unbearably hot. Being on the 4th floor of the oldest building on campus can do that to you. It also means that we're not having to water the lawn every single day, and that means lower water bills. It also means that later this summer, we might have a chance to go boating or floating. It means that the plants will grow more, the animals will have more food and be stronger, and we might stave off a drought for a while longer.

I still miss the sun, though. I try to focus on the silver linings, but it's sometimes harder than it looks.

Today in History...

2009-05-26T18:08:00.002-06:00

If you think about the sheer volume of world history, any given date will have seen important moments. Today is no exception. I bopped on over to History.com and Todayinhistory.com to check out what had happened on the May 26ths of the past. Of course, I found some interesting tidbits:

1805 - Louis and Clark see the Rockies for the first time
1864 - Montana became a territory
1896 - Wall Street Journal starts publishing the Dow Jones
1897 - Dracula was published
1977 - Star Wars opened
1978 - The first casino in Atlantic City opened

Neat stuff, right? At least if you're a geek like me. Here are some that seemed important, ironic, or otherwise relevant today.

1937 - the Golden Gate bridge opened
How ironic that such an icon of California - San Francisco, even - should open on a date that saw something beautiful close there. On May 26, 2009, the California Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8, denying marriage once again to loving couples. To citizens. I saw hope close in the hearts of many people. I admit, it was a difficult day for me too. As we research the 3 day waiting period for marriage licences in Massachusetts, I had toyed with the thought of a wedding on a beach in California. Say goodbye to my money, California. Licenses, hotels, cab rides, meals...and that's if we didn't do a reception with flowers, cake, cocktails, etc. Or take a day to see the sights. Also today, the New York State Comptroller released a report stating that if New York allowed gay marriage, they'd gain at least $210 million in revenue.

1994 - Michael Jackson marries Lisa Marie Presley
Yeah, that turned out well, didn't it? I'm tired of trying to explain what seems so simple and apparent to me. It's a civil contract, folks. It doesn't force a church to perform a ceremony. It says I'm committing to this person (in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part) and they have the right to my stuff, to make medical decisions for me, and all the stuff that goes with a marriage. Because I love them. Why is this so scary? You can married without a church. Why can't we? Did you know there 1138 rights and privileges that come with a marriage license? That there are many we can't get through legal paperwork? That many of these protect our families, children, and assets when something goes wrong? That denying us that WHOLE list is not only separate and unequal, but that it puts kids at risk?

1938 - The House Committee on Unamerican Activities is formed
Such a symbol of the misuse of power and how paranoia can permeate our society so much that we deny basic due process and civil liberties to our citizens. The rights of the minority should never be put to a vote; it's a basic premise of democracy. Because of who I am, I am not allowed to do something most everyone else takes for granted. We can't put it any more simply. We once had laws stating that you couldn't marry someone with different color skin. In 1967 the courts ruled that Unconstitutional, though not on May 26th.

1989 - The Danish Parliament allows gay marriage
How's that for irony? Please note that Denmark has not collapsed, exploded, or slipped into moral depravity. Straight people still get married there too. The churches haven't been run out or burned down. Children are no more likely to be gay than before, and the crime rate hasn't spun out of control. So can we get over it, already? The doom and gloom is just propaganda. All that's happening now is that you're denying loving couples the same rights which you, Britney Spears, and every unfaithful or closeted politician have been flaunting while making a mockery of the institution I want so badly to enter.

I know that this, too, shall pass and that progress and momentum are on our side. So let's spend more time fighting for what should be a no-brainer because a fundie got their undies in a twist. We've got nothing better to do, like fix the economy, reduce unemployment, ensure everyone can see a doctor, fight diseases on a global scale, repair social security, end a war....get the point yet?

Here's the other thing that happened today: for a huge segment of the population, the fight is on. Remember how we mobilized in response to the AIDS epidemic? You ain't seen nothing yet. You have challenged our right to love, and straight or gay, that's a sure way to back a human being into a corner. And NOBODY puts Baby in the corner. We're not going away and we're not giving up. There were 106 rallies across the country today. I can't wait to see what we'll do next. Our hearts will not be denied and our voices will not be silenced. That would be Unamerican, and our love (and weddings) are worth fighting for.

On joy and fear

2009-05-19T08:13:00.002-06:00

Yesterday afternoon was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. I spent most of the day in the usual way, slogging through paperwork and planning at work. The morning offered a ray of sunshine for me, as I got to leave the office and facilitate a SafeZone session with this year's Orientation leaders. They're a great group, and the session went very well...leaving me in a pretty good mood.

Late in the afternoon I decided it was time to check up on the search for Craig Arnold. Craig is a poet, professor at UW, and friend to many here in Laramie. He's been part of the Flock, connected with the GLBT community, and revived open mike poetry readings/slams. In other words, he's a sweetie with a big heart, an infectious smile, and a place in our hearts. He traveled to Japan to visit a volcano for a project he's been working on, and went missing on a hike. After 10 days of searching, the teams were called off. Things aren't looking great, as they found his footprints leading up to a step dropoff, but not back down.

I was emailing with him a few months back about sexual harassment training, and my hope of his safe return is dwindling in my heart. It made me think about his son, Robin, and the nights we all spent frolicking and cavorting at Mark and Tessa's old apartment and the original Flock Hall. It made me think about his partner, Rebecca, and what she must be going through right now. Terror instantly seized my heart: what if it were Jesse who was missing? How would I go on? Process it? Survive? I realized that my greatest fear has changed, and losing Jesse is now the worst thing I can imagine for myself. I suppose that's a true measure of love, as his life means more to me now than my own.

Still reeling from the weight of Craig's disappearance and the fears it brought up within me, I drove home and made an overdue phone call. Margaret and Coley had called recently to invite us to their wedding party here in Wyoming. They were in Boston when I called, and Coley beamed through the phone as she said "We're officially married now." They were married in Provincetown, and though I've only seen a couple of "unofficial" photos, it was absolutely perfect. They left for their honeymoon in Key West this morning. Naturally I gushed congratulations at them, and told them how much it means to me that two of the greatest hearts I know have found happiness in each other.

It made me think about my own wedding, and the love and commitment behind it. It was something like a familiar hug, wrapping me in warmth. It also brought me to another bout of tears, thinking again about Robin and Rebecca. About love and loss, about uncertainty and fear. I could almost feel my own heart aching with love for Jesse, and its vulnerability since giving him a piece of it. I couldn't dwell on that, though, as it was too much to bear, even in the hypothetical. But that's the nature of love, isn't it? Letting someone into our hearts can brighten the darkest recesses of our soul, but also opens us to pain and suffering if something goes wrong.

Today's lesson: We all have a choice. We can give into the fear and remain closed off and remote. We can let our fear of losing someone paralyze us, spiral us into depression, or pull back into ourselves. Or we can use that fear to help us protect one another, cherish one another, and remind us how much those we care about really mean to one another. We can use it to make the most of every moment we have together, sharing in a joy that some ignore or take for granted. Don't give into the fear, friends...use it.

Fear Part II: Nothing to Report

2009-05-13T10:14:00.003-06:00

I remember the first time I was aware that I was acting like a news junkie. On 9/11, I was glued to the news just like everyone else at work. Since we didn't have TV's at work, those with radios tuned in to various frequencies and everyone else bounced from news or network website to another. When new information was released someone would shout it down the hall, or IM updates from office to office. Pooling our resources allowed us to create an instant update network with those at work, our friends and family around the country, etc. It meant that we could access information collectively, and that made us feel better in the wake of fear and destruction.

I'm sure I'd scoured for news in this fashion before, but it was the first time I was actively conscious of the fact. Since then, I think our whole society has made this action permanent; we've institutionalized the need for instant news, even if it's no real news at all. When I was younger, something incredibly important had to be going on for the news to break into our regularly scheduled programming: an assassination attempt, an earthquake with serious casualties, etc. The news anchor would use their most serious and concerned voice as they gave us the details. They told us who had died, how many might be homeless, what the damage estimates were, and how to check on loved ones or where to contact folks about relief efforts. They waited until they had some information so they didn't waste our time...or cause needless panic.

These days we can't just watch the news and listen to the nice anchor-folk tell us about what's going on. We have to add news crawls at the bottom of the screen, giving us every trivial fact possible about the topic at hand, or recapping what was just said. We get endless updates about inane details of Britney or Lindsay's lives and news break-ins about the latest house fire in Southern California...just in case it turns into the next great SoCal wildfire. We watch an airport tarmac, waiting for the arrival of the President because somewhere along the line, we developed not only the right to know everything about everyone instantly, but the need. And we can only hear news from pretty people. It seems every network is racing to find a buxom beauty to draw us in while reading from a teleprompter. Does anyone else remember when anchors were chosen because they seemed trustworthy, intelligent, and approachable?

I'm certainly not the only one to point out this sort of insanity; Jon Stewart often has a clip montage that shows every major network anchor spinning their wheels to speculate as to what might be happening or what might have caused the latest...fill in the blank. They dust off the nearest expert and interrogate them about every possibility, no matter how remote or premature it might be. They have to fill time, you know, because sooner or later they will get information, and want to be the first to report it. Why wait until you have something to report before you start guessing about all the things that could be going on.

The favorite speculation game is connected to fear. Weapons of mass destruction, terrorist attacks, economic crisis, swine flu...they give us something to worry about, and these days the news is designed to deliver that fear right into your home and life. During a recent White House press conference, a reporter asked about the possibility that swine flu had been engineered or released as part of a bio-terrorism plot. With a wry smirk, the talking head behind the mike made it clear that, no, there was no evidence whatsoever to even suggest that. Naturally, they continued that line of questioning. I'm sure some network pumped it up with a segment that night that said "but what would it look like if they did?"

Make no mistake, it must also be completely instant. I was talking with a photographer from a Denver paper last year, who explained that he'd been asked by his editor to cover a funeral from the inside...via Twitter. He was asked to post messages during the service, "you know, if the minister says something that makes the family or someone important break out in tears or something." He politely refused, though it nearly cost him his job. He decided it was too much - too tacky during someone's time of grief to be focused on getting the scoop. Besides...who really needs that much information from a funeral. Last time I checked, funerals weren't intended to be entertainment...or a spectator sport.

So what's the harm, you ask? I'm proud to say that when news of the swine flu (aka piggy sniffles) broke, terrorism is something that never crossed my mind. I'm sure the Shrub would argue this means I'm not a good 'Merican, but so be it. Rather than talking about ways to protect yourself from any infectious disease, let's spend some quality worrying time. We probably also wouldn't want to spend time talking about overpopulation or poverty, both of which are actually impacting the current pandemic. Or access to quality healthcare and medication for everyone. Or how what happens in another country to another group of people can impact our daily lives, so we might want to revisit this whole globalization discussion (with a President who has two brain cells together to rub together and form a synapse). I don't view a funeral as a good time, and don't feel the need to obsess over every attendee or word said at a funeral that wasn't important enough for me to attend.

Today's lesson: Pay attention to what the news tells you. Is it actually information, or just speculation? What are they not telling you, and how does it connect to your life? As mentioned in response to my previous post, critical thinking can go a long way. And take a breath, people. The latest story might actually be more interesting to you when they actually have information worth hearing. Perhaps if more of us waited until there are facts before we demand an instant update, we wouldn't go in search of WMD's that might be in someone else's country because the anchor (or VP) thinks they're good at speculating a compelling story at us.

Marketing fear

2009-05-11T13:01:00.002-06:00

One of the legacies of 8 years of a Bush administration has been a focus on fear. Every morning the news tells us what color our level of fear should be today. We're taught that we're under constant threat, though they usually can't tell us where, how, or when. We're supposed to be afraid at airports, and to go one step further by pointing out anything supsicious to the nearest TSA agent. To some extent, I understand this, as no security force can watch everyone at all times. Nor would the average citizen want that, as many of us value our privacy and independence just as highly as security. On the other hand, that same mentality has been used before with horrific results.

The Nazis told German citizens to watch their neighbors, keeping an eye out for collaborators or sympathizers. During the Red Scare, Americans were told the same: to keep an eye out for signs your friend or coworker was in league with the evil communist enemies. In both cases, even the allegation was enough to land someone in the hot seat, prison, or worse. We rounded up 110,000 US citizens and placed them in our own version of concentration camps, all because they had Japanese ancestry and were related to the wrong people.

So what got me focused on all this fear mongering, you ask? Well, it's not a new idea to me, but it was driven home over the weekend. We were watching a commerical for the EcoCanteen, which is essentially a metal water bottle. There are certainly some good reasons for such a product - less waste collecting in landfills, lower cost since you're not paying for packaging, etc. The other primary point in the ad is that plastic water bottles release toxins which can be harmful to the drinker.

But mentioning that isn't enough. The ad shows a mom packing lunch for her kids, and then reiterates that toxins are present. The message seems clear: if you don't buy this product for your children, you're a bad parent. You're poisoning your children, you idiot! It then goes one step further...showing an emergency room in the beckground of the ad. Now I don't know about you, but I haven't heard much on the news about hoards of folks being rushed into the ER for water bottle toxicity.

At what point does drinking water become akin to playing russian roulette? And more importantly, when did it become okay to terrify people into buying something? Most of my friends joked about buying generators for Y2K. Most also laughed when the news reported that sales of gas masks, duct tape, and plastic sheeting were skyrocketing. In the end, this isn't that much different. "There's something horrible out there, and only our product can save you. Be afraid!"

To me, it seems there ought to be a law about such things. Truth in advertising. Public interest. Causing a panic. You know, stuff like that whole "yelling fire in a crowded theater." Fear has become a cornerstone of our American lives. The economy, nukes in Iran or North Korea, swine flu...the list goes on and on. Personally, I spent too many years living in fear while in the closet, and I'm not inclined to spend more years doing the same because of something else - especially plastic water bottles.

Today's lesson: Pay careful attention the messages being blasted at you, whether from an ad, a reporter, a friend, or family member. What's at the core, and what strategy are they using to win you over? Think for yourself, and don't give in to fear, extortion, etc.

Chapters

2009-05-08T15:53:00.002-06:00

Sometimes chapters begin, and sometimes they end. This time of year is always bitter sweet for those who work on at a college or university. My life has been no exception of late, and I've been through many chapters, with still more on the horizon.

Today is the end of a long, hard semester. We've been running at full steam since January, and I'm really looking forward to a couple of months without night classes, committee meetings, and study groups. Jesse and I will be able to spend a bit more time together, something we've been needing and wanting. We're hoping to spend some time relaxing, whether it's camping at his family's cabin, lounging by a lake, or cutting loose at Pride.

Today is the end of my first academic semester in the new job. Last summer was pretty quiet, and we certainly don't have the number of trainings and such as we do during the school year. This year, however, we're making some changes to different committees and gearing up to break into partnerships with four HBCU's (Historically Black Colleges and Universities). We're going to hit the ground running, and you can be certain that this summer won't be slow or dull. I'm not sure I'm looking forward to more ground-breaking work without a little down time, but that's the way it goes sometimes.

This time of year always means friends leaving, and is my least favorite part of graduation season. Most of the remaining denizens of Flock Hall 2.0 are bound for DC, and I'm going to miss the girls. Nobody cooks quite like Tessa, and we've shared many a bottle of wine together while whipping up something in the kitchen. Zach and Whitney will be here over the summer, thanks to their impending wedding, but then they're off to Africa to do HIV prevention and education.

Yardwork season is also starting. My hay fever HATES this time of year, and it often gives me flashbacks to my years working as summer help for my high school or working on the golf course back home. Kind of like weed eater/lawn mower/concrete pouring PTSD. That said, I'm looking forward to spending some time outside again, and Jesse is giddy about working on the yard. He's already got a jump start, and this weekend we're doing more...including planting flower seeds and veggies in the newly tilled beds out back. If nothing else, there will be more BBQ's and hot tubbing going on with friends, which is always a good thing.

One way or another, many things are starting, while still others end. It's all just another chapter in the stories of our lives. Before I move on to today's lesson, I have a request. Drop me a quick note on my comments, MySpace, or email. Let me know how the chapters in YOUR life are going, and how you're doing. It's a simple thing, but would mean a lot to me before everyone scatters to their own summer adventures. And now, without further ado...

Today's lesson:
Beginnings aren't always good, and endings aren't always bad - life is much more complicated than that. The most important thing we can do is keep turning the pages, one after another. You just have to see how this one ends!

Drama abounds

2009-04-17T12:09:00.002-06:00

There's never a shortage of things going on in April:

AIDS Walk is still happening tomorrow. It'll just be moved into the Union Ballroom.
Bingo is also going to happen. Of course, the odds are not good that Sophie will be able to make it to town. And if the roads don't open today or tomorrow, I'll be doing the show by myself. YIKES!
A poopy person wrote a nasty letter to the editor about one of the events this week and said some really nasty things. We, of course, took the high road and wrote a couple of letters in response, turning meanness into learning. Go AIDS Walk Committee!
Work is going to be rather overly busy and stressful for a while. Nothing I can talk about, of course, but suffice it to say that people are stupid.

I know...it's a WEAK update, but I wanted to put SOMETHING up.

The Walk Approaches

2009-04-03T13:06:00.002-06:00

Today is a day of good gay news. Iowa became the 4th state to allow gay marriages after a unanimous decision by the Iowa Supreme Court. That should take effect April 24th. Tonight is the Elton John Concert, which is certain to raise a large chunk of change for one of my favorite organizations: The Matthew Shepard Foundation. The Shepard Symposium on Social Justice is concluding today, and there've been some incredible moments, speakers, ideas, and community development. And today is the day the first ever Wyoming AIDS Walk commercial found a home on YouTube. Check it out, as my friends at 89 Second Productions in New York did an outstanding job on it! Forward the link to your friends, family, and anyone you think might be interested. Encourage them to attend the Walk, drag queen bingo, and/or the week of educational events leading up to it. Help them donate time, energy, or funds wherever they can. It'll do your heart (and our communities) good.

Lists

2009-03-06T15:23:00.002-07:00

It's that time of year again, folks. I know, I know...I've mentioned in the last couple posts that things have been busy. But it hasn't changed! It's gotten to the point that without lists of some sort, I don't know which way is up. I've spoken to a number of classes recently. Women's Studies (Love you Jess!), Social Work, Education, and Nursing students have all listened to me lately. Tonight I have to attend a dinner meeting for work, though it's really for PACMWA. Our office is doing most of the planning and arrangements, and Nell wants Tracey and I there.

Jesse has Founder's Day stuff for the fraternity this weekend, and I might be helping a friend install some new toys for her computer. There's karaoke tomorrow night at the Library, and you can bet I'll be there belting out my favorites. Next week I have AIDS Walk meetings, drag queen conference calls, and am speaking to more classes. I'm also speaking at the Junior High, as my old mentor teacher asked me to come be part of a discussion of diversity.

Within the next few weeks, I'll speak to classes for Social Work, Communications, and Geography. I'll present 2 SafeZone sessions, including one for the Shepard Symposium. I'll attend the Elton John concert and after party, and will go into high gear for AIDS Walk. Work will be quite busy too, and spare time will be rare and precious. Sexual Harassment Prevention training, diversity sessions, and random meetings and committee discussions will be crammed into the normal office work, and I'm not exactly looking forward to it.

Lists seems to be a necessity for my future, as well as several calendar and scheduling tools/tricks. List of bills, repairs on the house, maintenance for the car...I check one thing off and another 3 pop up. I realize that this is just a part of life, and that it will not continue at this break-neck pace forever. Sometimes it's hard not to get bogged down in the length of list, or the shear number of them I have going. Left foot, right foot...repeat as needed. Thank goodness for cocktails, a loving man, and puppy therapy. If only I didn't have to work over Spring Break.

Today's lesson: We can all get through this, though it will take strength and patience. It's hard sometimes, but take a step back and look at the big picture. This, too, shall pass.

Recipe for a great night

2009-03-05T08:21:00.004-07:00

Last night we asked Bobbers to come over and regale us with tales of his adventures in Sweden. He had to beg off due to errands, obligations, and having woken up at 4am. Instead, Mr. Man kidnapped me and said only "We're going on a date." He'd packed everything we needed already, and told me I should change out of my nicer clothes, wear something comfortable, and that it would be "a long date." We got in the car and despite having 3/4 of a tank of gas, went to the station and filled up. Needless to say, my curiosity was piqued. 90 minutes later we arrived at our destination, and it was marvy. Here's the recipe:

Red Bull, Gatorade, and snacks for the drive
Two pairs flip flops
Two large terrycloth robes
Two swimsuits
Two towels
Two souls who aren't seeing enough of each other lately due to schedules

Combine in one large pool of hot water from a natural spring. Sprinkle lightly with assorted locals for color and flavor, not to mention endless people-watching entertainment. Soak for 45 minutes and enjoy!

2009-02-12T09:42:00.002-07:00

I know, I know...I've not been mosting much lately. Work has been keeping me very busy right now, so I don't have as much free time in front of the keyboard. I'm actually having to do work, and I do NOT approve. ;) I can hardly believe it's been a month since my last post. Well here are some updates and thoughts:

The new baby is here and doing fine. Lulu is too precious for words, and is adjusting nicely to life in Wyoming. She's getting along well with her new brothers, and is becoming less timid. She's spoiled rotten, and the boys are getting plenty of love and cuddle time too to ensure that we don't run into problems with jealousy. We've located the camera again, so a range of photos will be coming soon.
Planning is well underway for this year's AIDS Walk. Things are going very well this year, and I'm working on details for Drag Queen Bingo too. It should be one of Laramie's most exciting events once again! April 18th...mark your calendars now!
For the first time ever, I have someone in my life when Valentine's Day rolls around. This will be the first time I've had someone to celebrate it with, and Jesse's too. We're not doing the usual dinner and flowers thing, though. As usual, I'm helping Janet down at Killian's Florist make it through her busiest couple of days of the year. I start tonight after my day job, and will help get things ready and organized. I'll probably also help prepare some of the orders and deliveries for tomorrow. I'll also be helping out Friday night. Saturday is the big day, of course, and Jesse's going to help too. The plan is for me to help out in the shop and he'll drive one of the vans doing deliveries. We'll be together in a way, and it's actually a lot of fun delivering smiles and happiness to random strangers. Then we'll have cocktails in the shop at the end of the night, and Jesse and I will no doubt go out somewhere to have our first real V-day.
I wanted to share a new term I cooked up the other night. I was describing one of the bartenders at our favorite watering hole, The Library. He's trying to become a fire fighter too. After agreeing with Jesse and Mr. Jones that he's not hard on the eyes, I added "He's also got that 'Oh Garsh' quality about him, kind of a corn-fed naievete." As we continued driving, I thought about the mash up of a French term with a pastoral descriptor, and was rather proud of my new oxymoronic neologism. (Look it up!) Just thought I'd share.
My taxes are done and filed. I can't wait for the refund check to get here. It's going to exciting things like a transmission flush, paying off bills, and groceries. We're such party animals.
Wyoming's Defense of Marriage bill failed in the Senate. Never made it out of committee. So someone decided they'd take it up in the House. While it did make it out of committee, it died on the floor in a 25-35 vote. Focus on the Family dumped time and money into the effort. So glad it was wasted! Many, including some of my friends, jumped into attack mode right away. Some didn't just try to respond, they almost went into a panic. I think some forgot that legislation of this nature has been introduced every year since 1994 in Wyoming, and that it rarely makes it out of committee. I decided to sit this one out on the sidelines. I reminded myself that we cannot all be everything to everyone, and that we have to take some time for ourselves every now and then. That, and I have a little more faith in the common sense of Wyomingites. Okay, and their tendency to exactly the opposite of what outsiders (see Focus on the Family above) tell us we should do.
Jesse has night classes three days a week this semester, so spending time together is a precious commodity. We're still managing to go out for a drink now and then or make it to a friend's house for dinner or a movie. We've had folks over to the house a bit too, but we're not seeing enough of everyone. It's just the nature of the beast for a while. In other words, for our local friends and family, please don't take offense if we can't make it to something or haven't seen you in a while. It's not because we don't love you, it's because we're running in too many directions. We don't see each other enough, and "it ain't all about you!" ;) Also, if you've got something you want to include us in, it's best to let us know in advance. We have a calendar on the wall at home for recording our meetings, events, and obligations. Get on it sometime!

These are but of few of the recent adventures in the Rainbow Kingdom. Stay tuned for the next update, though the management hopes it will not take another month for it to happen.

After a month

2009-01-09T12:31:00.002-07:00

It's been one day shy of a month since I last posted. A great deal has happened since then, to be sure. Here's a quick recap of the most recent month in the Rainbow Kingdom:

Right after my last poem, I caught the cold that was running around town. I was down and out for a week, coughing, hacking, sneezing, and being generally miserable. I went to the clinic and was given some beefy antibiotics. In fact, they're the same ones we give to folks with the clap. Yes, we got a lot of joke mileage about that. When you're down and out, sometimes little smiles mean the world.
We officially decided to get a new puppy. She's an American Hairless Terrier and we're naming her Lucretia, Lulu for short. We'll be picking her up from DIA sometime in the next 2 weeks. We've gotten the breeding rights too, and plan to start our own breeding kennel for AHT's. Check out our website: www.hairlesscowboys.com. The business cards should be done next week.
We made a flying trip to Denver for my friend Mark's annual backyard Christmas party. Scotty and Craig drove back from Saint Louis and brought their new puppy too, an adorable miniature Aussie named Schatz (German for sweetheart). It was SO good to see them, Jerry, Adam, Kalley, and the whole Denver crew. I miss 'em all!
We went back to Kaycee for Christmas with Jesse's family. We had a great holiday, getting snowed in for an extra day. We took the Squidly with us too, and she managed to attract the only lesbi-tyrian in a town of 250 people. Within 5 minutes of being in the bar. We helped break in the bar's new karaoke machine, and I sang many duets with my father-in-law-to-be. Everything from Johnny Cash to Bon Jovi. Jesse and I got commemorative tattoos from his cousin's fiance - we got each other's initials on our right arms. We also made the official announcement to the whole family about the engagement. Nobody reached for torches our pitchforks.
Since I was off work between Christmas and New Year's but Jesse had to work, I donned my cape and tights to clean out Jesse's room in the fraternity. I think I should have asked for hazzard pay. All his fraternity brothers referred to the room as "the storage unit" as it was chock full of stuff and he's been staying with me since the middle of August. We managed to cram everything into the house somehow, and are filled to the rafters and busting at the seams. But he's got a full closet now, and we officially live together.
Earlier this week I caught a VERY nasty stomach flu that's rolling around town. I lost 7 pounts in 36 hours. While that's an EFFECTIVE way to lose weight, I don't recommend it at all and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Wash your hands often, don't share drinks, and be careful who you kiss...at least until this bug burns itself out.

I think that's the major highlights. I wish you all the best in the new year, and look forward to another year of memories, madness, and martinis with you!

Seasons

2008-12-10T15:31:00.002-07:00

A good friend of mine who used to work at IT recently passed away from cancer. Sharon was my date for the IT Holiday party for years, and was like a grandmother to me. Another friend described her best by saying "she was the kindest, most loving bitch you've ever met, and I want to be just like her when I grow up." Sharon used to cuss and swear up a blue streak. She told you she loved you and you damned sure knew if she was unhappy with you.

Needless to say, her death hit me pretty hard. Especially since I'd been asking friends about her the night before she passed. I'm a big advocate of reaching out to friends and family before it's too late, and yet even I can't be perfect about it. (This would be a good chance for you to call or email loved ones. I'll wait for you... Done? Great!) It didn't help that later that night we got a call that Jesse's grandmother was back in the hospital and wasn't doing well, to the extent we started warning boss-types and puppy-sitters that we might have to take off in short order. (She took a turn for the better and is doing well now.)

Add stress over money, trying to get the house in order, preparing for the holidays, and it adds up to a crappy series of events that could have me/us pulling out hair. Thanks to having good friends (and each other) to lean on, we're doing okay.

Today's lesson could be my one of my favorites, making certain you tell people you care about them, but it's not. Today's lesson is that even when the odds are overwhelming and you're feeling down in the dumps, there's always hope. We humans are incredibly strong and resilient, even when we forget or don't believe it. Lean on others when necessary, but have faith in yourself...and the Universe. Just for good measure, though, spend some time before the holidays reaching out to loved ones.

Happy Birthday

2008-12-03T09:46:00.002-07:00

Today is a day full of birthdays for me. My nephew Alex is one today. Yes, I'm bitter that I'm not there to celebrate with him. It's also the birthday of our very own Squee-piddly! She's been an incredible friend over the years. At times I'm her "Mama Gay," and help advise, support, and care for her. At times, she does the same for me. She's 22 today, and I'm so glad she's been in my life for the last batch of birthdays. Run on over to her blog, wish her a happy and a merry, and guilt her into posting something. ;)

Thankfulness

2008-11-26T08:37:00.003-07:00

Every year around this time I try to take a moment or two to ponder what I have. It's been a rough year in many ways. Job was poopy, money tight, house in disrepair, rights being stripped away across the country, friends moving away. Plenty of things to be stressed and worried about, and yet here I sit with a smile on my face.

I reminded myself that I HAD a job and that I had more money than some. There is still a roof over my head and I don't live in a place where I can be put to death for being gay. Thanks to phones and email, I can stay in contact with distant friends. All in all, I have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm also thankful to have enough control over my life to effect some change as well. I now have a new job, and we've done a fair amount of work on fixing up, cleaning, and redecorating the house. There's plenty more work to do, but we're making progress.

As usual, I'm most thankful for my friends and family, be they near or far. I'm thankful for a new and deep love in my life, and the future Jesse and I are planning together. Each day I fall a little deeper in love. I'm thankful for Bob and Jess, Squiddy, Ryan and Kass, Troy and Maggie, Scotty and Craig, Jerry, Jesse and Rae, Nell, Rob and Tracey, Kalley, Josh and Adam, Joe, Sean and Stubert, Mandyfish, Brendon and Tara, Jace and Leena, Chad, Dan, Dave, Sue and Mark, Ella and Alex, Dean, Greg, Ryan and Jenn, Dave and Jennifer, Lainers, Turbo and Reese, Ryan and Ethan, Beth and Wendy, Heidi and Bill, Lynn, Lisa, Jackie, Bev, Janet, Livi and Sophie, Joanna, Joee, Dennis and Judy, Torry and Julia, Keith, Kristen, Lynette, Coley and Margaret, Tamara and Mark, Liam, Mary, Max, Punch and Stephan, Rod, Christy and Rowdy, Linus, Tessa, Flynn, Todd, Zach and Whitney, and so many more.

Despite what I lack, I have so much, and think most of us are in the same situation. I'm thankful for all of you, and hold you all in my heart. I have a bounty, and my cup runneth over.

Thank you.

Two birds with one stone...

2008-11-24T14:08:00.002-07:00

In the wake of California's passage of Prop 8, some folks in the Vermont legislature decided it would be a good time to introduce full marriage. The Governor says he'd veto. He also says he'd rather they focus on the state's funding shortages. Critics very rightly pointed out that working on civil rights doesn't REALLY detract from working on the budget, but I'm going to be a little more radical in my thinking. Go figure.

How many times do we have to tell you that allowing gay marriage makes money for you? Currently, I can get married in Connecticut. Massachussetts is removing the residency requirement, so that will be two. Folks, I'll be getting "gay married" in the next couple years, and will probably have to travel to one of these states to get the license to be all legal and official. This means tax dollars and tourist traffic. Think about the money that brings in.

Florists. Musicians. Photographers. Hotels. Caterers. Formal wear rentals, sales, and alterations. Gifts. Honeymoons. Massachussetts estimated that allowing out-of-staters to get married would mean another $110 million in the state economy plus $5 million in marriage license fees and sales/occupancy taxes. They also saw an influx of new residents as gay workers moved to a more welcoming climate despite higher costs.

Huh...seems like a simple fix to me, Governor Douglas. "We're too poor to care/do the right thing" doesn't add up.

Breakfast in bed

2008-11-20T08:55:00.002-07:00

Since the day Jesse and I started dating, I've been the happy recipient of countless little surprises. Random flowers, whether purchased from a store or plucked from a nearby tree or bush. An unplanned visit to work to deliver a kiss to me and some candy for everyone in the office. They're all simple little gifts or actions, but they've meant the world to me.

We went to bed early on Tuesday, as Jesse had to get up early and work on his math homework. He finished earlier than he thought, so he decided to whip up a little something and serve me breakfast in bed. He woke me up 15 minutes early, carrying a tray with bacon, eggs, and toast. Nobody had every done that for me.

And it was a good thing, too, as I stepped into the shower only to discover the hot water heater had tripped its internal breaker and there was no hot water. While simultaneously trying to avoid hypothermia and stressing about how I would pay for a repair, I realized that it was still a good morning. I was still smiling over the random act of kindness.

And that's today's lesson: caring gestures, while seemingly small, can mean the world to someone, even when everything else is going south. Do something unexpected and kind for someone you care about. Make them a card, bake them something sweet, or pick up a little present for them. You never know what difference it can make.

Always the bridesmaid...

2008-11-10T15:36:00.002-07:00

I figured I better post this quickly, as news is traveling VERY fast. Lest anyone feel slighted that they didn't "hear it here first..."

On Friday night I went out to Happy Hour for a cocktail with some friends. Jesse joined us after he was off work. We then went home and were expecting some friends over after a bit. In the meantime, we fought off the cold by making a fire. We were cuddled up in front of said fire talking when Jesse said "So you wanna marry me?" I said "sure, though it turns out that it's a bit harder to do it in California these days." I turned around to give him a kiss, and that's when I saw it:

Yes folks, I am engaged. I teared up and was speechless for about 20 minutes, and those of you who know me personally know that doesn't happen very often. Apparently Jesse had been carrying the ring around for about a month, "chickening out" every time he worked up the nerve to ask. "What if he says no? What if it's too soon?" were some of the reasons he mentioned. He'd talked to many of my friends about it already, and some had already seen the ring. (I will be continuing the witch hunt, so fear not...I'll deal with YOU all later. ;)

He called Jesse, my oldest friend, to ask permission. He'd been trying to get my sister's info but, being unaware as I was, I kept forgetting to send her "emergency contact info in case anything ever happened." We took care of that on Saturday, when he met her via webcam. "Are you sure you WANT to marry him," she asked? Thanks, sis. She told him to keep me in line (yeah, right), and that the only other condition was that he had to be a Harry Potter fan...and read all the books.

Yes, we're acting like the lesbian stereotype, but we're also not racing to set a date. Yes, it's still not legal in Wyoming, but who knows what could happen in just a year or two? I'm sure I'll keep everyone posted about plans, but it might be a while. We're not looking to "get hitched" tomorrow, so everyone take a deep breath; we'll get there. Relationships are a marathon, not a sprint.

I am obscenely happy and giddy and such, as is to be expected. How many times have I said on a panel "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride." Well, I might not be a bride per se, but I am engaged to a wonderful man I want by my side for the rest of my life. I've been jokingly saying "Fuck you California, we're doing it anyway!" But know this isn't a joke to me, or something I(/we) are taking lightly. We love each other, we're committed to each other, and we're making that formal.

One more day...

2008-11-03T19:06:00.002-07:00

I know, I'm sick of election crap too. But it's important. We all have the right to use our discretion and make our voices heard. That's something not all countries can say, and that means it's that much more important that we exercise our right to vote. I think it's clear who I'm casting my ballot for tomorrow, but that's not what this is about.

Whether you're a Democrat, a Republican, an Independent, or something somewhere in between, get off your ass and vote. Tomorrow we get to pick a leader. We get to select the direction of our nation for the next 4 years. As a key player in global society, we are influencing the direction of the entire world for years to come. That's an awesome privilege, and we owe it to the future to cast our votes and stand up to be counted.

We will also vote for our local representatives. And ballot initiatives. And referendums. And optional taxes. This is our chance to set our own course. Vote tomorrow, or forever quit your bitching because you don't like what happened when you had something better to do.

Vote your conscience tomorrow, but for fuck's sake...
VOTE!

What if we held marriage hostage?

2008-10-29T08:39:00.003-06:00

Last night Maximus was telling me about a catty, witty gay commentator who had a great idea. He pointed out that should Prop 8 pass in California, there are enough queer Californians to get an initiative on the ballot for next year. Prohibiting marriage between a man and a woman. Of course it would never pass, but it would point out the absolute lunacy of the current measure. But it got me to thinking...we could go even further. We could go on strike.

If voters in California want to lock us out of the Chapel of Love, let's do the same in return. What would happen if the GLBTQ folks went on strike? It's hard for straight people to get married without florists, cake decorators, and church organists. Half the choir might not show up. Don't even think about hiring a wedding planner. Designers would refuse to create or alter bridal gowns and bridesmaid dresses. Booking a stylist to get your up-do would be pretty tough too.

We make great photographers, so you better buy a bunch of disposable cameras and pray for the best. Without chefs, caterers, or waiters, you'll be dining on cocktail weenies and Oreos...buffet style. I hope that when you go to get your license, the clerk didn't have to settle for a separate-and-inequal "civil union." You'll probably going to need blood tests too, but good luck finding a male nurse or HIV clinic worker to draw samples. And just think...we have a lot of straight allies who might also go on strike with us!

I realize this buys into a host of stereotypes and is a little silly sounding, but I think you get my point. This isn't something that affects nameless, faceless statistics on a sheet of paper. It affects your neighbors, your cousins, your children, your bankers, your landlords, and your coworkers. This is about human beings and their right to love and be free in America today.

To love, comfort, honor, and cherish. For better or for worse. For richer or for poorer. In sickness and in health. In good times and in sorrow. For as long as we both shall live. Those are the words, after all. It's such a simple little vow. And we're not entering into it unadvisedly or lightly. How does anyone have the right to prevent me from making that promise to my partner? To say that my partner and I are somehow less capable or deserving of these things, or that our relationship is different and "less" in some fundamental way?

It's not about forcing any religion or church to honor or perform weddings for same-sex couples. It's not about mocking the institution of marriage or destroying the fabric of American families. It's not getting something extra, different, or "special." It's about dignity and respect, and whether or not the government has the right to tell me who I can love. Who I chose as my partner. Who I want to come home to after a long day. To hug, cook dinner, do laundry, take care of the puppies, and clean the kitchen. It's about spending our lives together in boring, codependent, quiet normalcy.

It's about having the same rights as those around us, and wanting the same thing as everyone else: simply to love and be loved. Vote no on Prop 8, and if you don't live in California, ask your friends and family who live and vote there to do so.

Time travel

2008-10-23T15:09:00.002-06:00

Last weekend the boyfriend (Jesse, for those who didn't already know) and I went "back home" to Kaycee, WY for his dad's 50th (and cousin's 16th) birthday party. What's that? You don't know anything about Kaycee? Well, the population is around 250 people. There are 2 main streets through town, both of which are also highways. It's about 50 miles or so from my hometown (Wright) and is about an hour north of Casper. Ranching and agriculture are a large part of the community, as is mining/oil/natural gas/minerals. There's a general store, but no supermarket. There are two bars, a couple of mom-and-pop restaurants, a motel, etc. It's very small town America, and sits right on the interstate. It's also in a different time zone...around 25 years in the past.

Where else can you reserve a public hall for an event that has "No smoking" signs posted on the walls and cabinets in the kitchen labeled "Ashtrays?" Where else can you hear the Eagles followed by old school country, mixed in with "Happy Birthday Sweet 16?" Where the whole town is working together to fundraise for a statue in the new park...dedicated to the memory of the hometown local boy made good (Chris Ledoux)? Where the party included keg stands, and even some of the grey-haired party-goers were upside down?

To say that I had flashbacks to my own life growing up would be an understatement. We went out to one of the family's ranches outside town to see the buffalo and so I could see the ranch. Even stepping into the restroom reminded me of all the ranch houses I grew up visiting. There had been a late night fight resulting in an ambulance call while we were there. By early the next morning, the grapevine had the information spread across town. Over the course of the weekend I overheard several different versions, and the story grew with each re-telling.

The party was open invitation, and we had seating for around 100 people (yes, that's almost half the town). Just about everyone showed up, I think, and it reminded me of the family/town functions that I used to attend as a kid. A fish fry out at the Marquiss ranch when the hunters from Florida flew in. The annual Reynolds dance in Gillette at the K of C Hall. Brandings. Town festivals. Family reunions. Folks gettin' together who've known each other forever and probably know more about you than you'd like.

It was interesting watching faces as Jesse introduced me to people. Sometimes it was "I'd like you to meet Jim Osborn." Sometimes it was "this is my partner, Jim Osborn." Naturally I took my cues from him, but the reactions were, at times, priceless. Seeing someone process the term partner, then their eyes opening slightly as they found it in their mental rolodex. Watching someone's eyes narrow or their lips purse as they shook my hand. Seeing a devilish little twinkle and broad smile as they realized Jesse's "gay lover" had come to a public family/town function in the middle of nowehere, and that they were so happy he's seeing someone willing to do it.

Sure, Grandpa made a comment or two that might appear a bit backward. But he didn't bat an eyelash when telling Jesse and I we would be in bedroom with the double bed so we MIGHT have enough room. Jokes or slurs like "cocksucker" were overheard, but they weren't directed AT us. The only comments I heard about ME came from a couple of high school or college-age guys who were administering the often-mandatory keg stands. "He sure is a BIG guy, iddn't he?" I simply smiled, as I knew this meant I wouldn't be required to invert myself while sucking cheap beer through a communal hose.

In other words, things really are changing out there, even in the smallest towns in the most rural places left in America. Even the good ol' boys are adjusting to someone showing up to the party with his boyfriend. Sure, we didn't kiss or dance or grope each other in front of the crowd, but nobody else was doing it either. And isn't that what equality is all about? The right to be boring and normal with everyone else?

Changes

2008-10-10T17:05:00.000-06:00

My life has changed in countless ways since Matt died, and I know it will never be the same. And though it might sound strange, I owe him so much for those changes. I’ve spent the last 10 years doing what I can to make the world around me a safer and more welcoming place for everyone. I volunteer more in my community and have done some traveling, talking to people about hate and violence. I recently changed jobs…and careers, now working in the Office of Diversity and Employment Practices. I’m working to make my passion my profession. But the impact on me and my life goes much deeper than how I earn a paycheck.

It hasn’t been easy, by any means. Many people hear the words “Matthew Shepard” and think of him as an event; I think of my friend who’s no longer here, and how much it hurts that he’s gone. I miss seeing his incredible beaming smile, the one that came not just from his mouth, but from the sparkle in his eyes and from deep within his heart. I can’t find words to describe the pain of losing someone to such violence. Working through the loss and grief in the public eye has also been a struggle at times, though I think it has made me live more honestly and openly. I speak more from my heart, and those around me probably know me better.

I value those around me more, and try to be more deliberate in letting them know it. I only had the honor of knowing Matt for a few short months before he was killed. I was planning Gay Awareness Week during that time, and kept telling myself that I would make a point of getting to know him more in depth afterwards. One of my greatest regrets is not taking that time from the start. He was worth that, and so much more. I view everyone as worth it these days, or at least try to. When I think of Matt, I call or email someone I haven’t spoken with in a while, and know my life is all the richer for it.

I try to view others as people first. I learned that from Matt, I think. He didn’t look at someone and see them as black, or Jewish, or disabled. He saw them as a person first and foremost; the rest was just insignificant differences, since we have much more in common than anything that separates or divides us. He used to strike up conversations with strangers, homeless folks, or anyone he found interesting or compelling. I think he liked learning about people, and valued their experiences in a way most of us don’t. He taught me something about the value of humanity and how we’re all connected. I suppose he taught me to give everyone the dignity and respect they deserve as a human being.

I’ve also seen the power we as individuals have to change the world around us. Romaine and I created and organized Angel Action in response to Fred Phelps’ presence in Laramie. We didn’t want his messages of hate and intolerance to go unanswered or to be what our friends and family saw on the news before they went to bed. The people of Wyoming and America deserved better than that, and Matt would have been the first to say so. We didn’t plan to become part of a play, an HBO movie, or a media storm. We just wanted to do something to combat hate, but in a peaceful and loving way. We didn’t want to sink to the level of Phelps and his group.

Perhaps most importantly, Matt’s murder taught me how important it is to stand up for those who can’t. To speak out for those who have been silenced through fear or through violence. Matt wanted to spend his life doing something to make the world a better place. He wanted to help others and make a difference in someone’s life. He can’t do that now, and so I and many others have to do it for him. I feel an obligation to carry on his dreams and work toward his goals. Someone has to be his voice, and to share his light and love with the world he’s left far too soon.

Yes, I owe Matt so much for the lessons he taught me, both in life and in his death. For the changes he’s brought about in my life, in Wyoming, and in the hearts and minds of people across the country and around the globe. Perhaps I’ve repaid that debt to him in some fashion. But I still keep telling people about him. About his murder. About hate and violence. I keep “fighting the good fight.” I do it because Matt also taught me I’m responsible for those around me, that if I stay silent or inactive I’m no better than those who killed him. I don’t want another parent to know the pain Dennis and Judy feel. I don’t want another community to be scarred by the manifestation of ignorance and fear. I do it for Matt. For his smile. For his heart. I do it to change the world the way he changed me. Hopefully that change won’t require more loss and sacrifice. Please think of Matt today, and help me build a world he’d be proud of.

I remember...

2008-10-06T19:57:00.002-06:00

...being at the meeting, and going over the list of activites and events for Gay Awareness Week. Everyone was excited and looking forward to a great week. A poetry reading and art exhibit. Our keynote for the week was Leslea Newman, author of "Heather Has Two Mommies." She was a big name, and we couldn't wait to have her speak in Wyoming.

We went to the Village Inn after meeting, as we always did. We pushed several tables together, much to the chagrin of the staff, and were too noisy. We were celebrating our upcoming big week with pie, caffeine, and maybe even some food if you could afford it. It was a night like any other. We told stories and laughed. But like every other good thing, it had to come to an end. People started to split off, leaving to do some homework or heading out to meet friends.

Tommi gave him a ride that night. Both to and from The Village Inn. I don't know what time he left, as I wasn't paying attention. Why would I? I don't know what time he got to the Fireside. I don't know how long he was there before they approached him. I don't know what they said to him, or how they convinced him to go. I don't know why he got in the car, or what happened after they left the bar. And I never will. But he did. And 10 years ago tonight he was attacked. It was some time after midnight, but I don't know how much after.

I do know it still hurts. I do know I still have questions. I do know there are amazing people here in Laramie and abroad doing incredible work. They have opened their hearts and minds. They have looked around them, rolled up their sleeves, and jumped in...working to make their corner of the world a safer, more welcoming place for EVERYone. It might be one person at a time, or in a way that reaches thousands, but they do whatever they can.

Tonight I think of Matt, alone on the prairie on a cold and windy October night...just like tonight.

Today's lesson: Do whatever you can, whenever you can. Never underestimate your power to affect the world around you.

Full circle

2008-09-29T16:34:00.002-06:00

Saturday was a very interesting day. The morning began with the dedication of a bench in Matt's name in front of Arts and Sciences. Dennis and Judy spoke, as did President Buchanan, and they all did quite well in my opinion. The mood was reserved and somber, though I suppose that's to be expected. The messages of the speeches were spot on, though that's not what struck me most about the morning: the crowd.

There were many familiar faces in the audience. Many were faces that I have been seeing for 10 years, and it felt so right that they were present. There were also many new faces, or at least folks who weren't here 10 years ago. That fact spoke volumes to me about whether or not "the discussion" was still going on, whether in Laramie or around the country.

Many of the folks in attendance were 8, 9, or 10 years old when Matt was killed in 1998. Yet there they were, working their way toward the front. It showed what I have known for the last 10 years. People who didn't even know Matt were (and still are!) affected by what happened to him, and conversations about hate and violence are still happening in our classrooms, living rooms, and places of worship. As well they should!

The day ended with my friend Julie's wedding. It was the shortest wedding I've ever attended; the happy couple stood under a flowered arch in the middle of the dance floor. They read the vows, exchanged rings, and kissed. Then on to dinner and the party! Not only was it blissfully short, it was perfect for Julie and Galyn.

Jesse and I sat with a table of strangers, but had a good time and even managed a little chit-chat. Everyone was simply happy for the couple, who both deserved to find a fabulous partner as they continue their walk along the road of life. The prime rib was decent, the music a lot of fun, and the floor show beyond compare. A boy and girl, probably around 3 years old, stole the stage.

They didn't know each other, though te bounced up and down while she ran in place or in circles. They were far too precious for anyone's own good, and reminded us all how fun life can be. To stay young at heart. To dance your own dance. To be nice to strangers, and that meeting new people is a good thing. All in all, a perfect way to end the night.

Today's lesson: Life and death are connected, sometimes even in the same day. We probably won't understand it all the time. We can't control it, but instead should focus on living it as best we can. You can dance a lot of dances in the meantime.

Angel Action

2008-09-23T13:32:00.007-06:00

The President called me one day to tell me he'd gotten "the fax." The message from Phelps saying that he would be coming to Laramie for Henderson's trial, due to start Monday, April 5th. Romaine called me soon after. Like me, she was frustrated that the last thing people would see on the news would be his messages of hatred and intolerance. "Somebody should do something."

I mentioned an idea someone had sent me: great big angel wings, surrounding his group with symbols of love and peace. "Wow, that's awesome. Someone should really do that," she said. "Wouldn't it be great," I replied. She then told me that she had to go get ready for work at the coffee shop, where she used to see Matt on a regular basis. I went back to whatever pointless thing I had been doing. Two hours later, my phone rang again.

"How many angels can you get in Laramie, and who do we need to call about permits and shit? WE are gonna do this." I simply smiled and said "Yes, we are, aren't we?" She went on to tell me that she'd been talking with a friend at the coffee shop. When she'd mentioned the angels, he got chills. Being a handy sort of guy, he thought for a bit and started sketching. In a matter of minutes, he designed a simple framework for wings, and they already had 4 Denver angels lined up. Thus the angels were born.

We plotted and planned for a while. Romaine called Dave O'Malley, still a Commander with the Laramie Police Department. I called Tim Banks, Chief of the University Police Department. It turns out there were no permits required, and though they were a bit nervous about possible conflicts, we made arrangements for security and safety. We assured them that they would have no problems from anyone in wings and that we'd be going over plans with all angels in detail to ensure there wouldn't be any incidents.

There were 11 angels that first time. We gathered everyone together for a meeting beforehand, cramming people into the livingroom of my old apartment on Baker Street. We covered the basics, reviewing with everyone how Phelps operates. What they might expect to hear, and that everyone needed to fully understand this before they tried to wear a halo. We talked about how important it would be to remain silent, peaceful, and loving, and how difficult it might be. Everyone was given a pair of earplugs too, just in case the sounds of hate behind us became too much for anyone. And Romaine gave us perhaps the most important tip: "Pee before you put on your wings!" They weren't easy to get in or out of, so it was important to wring out the kidneys before gettin' our holy on.

We met downtown at her sister's shop, The Jaded Lair. Made from PVC pipe and bed sheets, the wings stretched out almost 8 feet. It was a true Wyoming morning, grey and overcast. Amazingly, there wasn't much wind, but it was still bitterly cold. We all wore coats and jackets as best we could while still strapping on wings. Hats and gloves were problematic, and few of us had them. After transforming someone into a "holy roller," they had to perform a strange form of limbo to climb out of the basement without catching a wing on the door.

We met in the alley briefly, and shared with one another our reasons for being there. "I want my daughter to grow up in a better world." "I don't want the last thing my nephew sees on TV to be Phelps." "I'm here for my brother." We were also supposed to come up with a happy thought to hold onto, so that we could have an angelic, peaceful smile on our faces no matter what horrific things we heard from Westboro. We then walked in a line down to the courthouse, dodging street signs and lamp posts. Crossing the street had to happen in 2 shifts, as we couldn't get all the angels across a light in a single group. Our stomachs were knotted, our palms sweaty, our bodies chilled to the core...and we pasted on our most peaceful smiles.

We could hear Phelps and his group shouting things like "Matthew Shepard is in hell" and "God hates fags." As we walked up to take our positions, the most incredible thing happened. Though it only happened for a moment, their group fell silent. They didn't quite know what to do about us; we had made Phelps silent. They quickly regrouped and redoubled their shouts and taunts, but we had love...and Matt...on our side. Our smiles beamed brightly. Our halos rustled in the breeze, and our wings created a white wall of love just as we'd hoped.

That's not to say it was easy. Seeing the young children holding up signs with messages like "AIDS Cures Fags" was tough, especially for the parents in the group. We hadn't quite seen that one coming. The cold was a big problem for us. We were standing in the shade of the courthouse addition, and started at 7am. We were concerned about frostbite, especially in the feet. None of us were dressed as warmly as we should be, and it's hard not to think about hate speech or hypothermia when trying to smile and be silent. As if all of this wasn't enough to keep us locked in the moment, we couldn't help but notice the snipers on the roof. Just in case something went wrong...

We had a few things to keep us going, though. We had amazing support from the onlookers, at least once they all figured out that we were not part of Phelps' group. My friend Steph ran home and returned with a thermos of hot coffee. We took turns passing it around - not to drink the coffee, but rather to warm our fingers and hands. Every now and then, one of the police officers walking the space in between Phelps and our group would whisper words of encouragement, "you're doing great, keep it up" and "thank you for being here."

After an hour we followed Uncle Freddy to campus for a second round, this time in front of the Union. As we walked, we sang an original song, "The Holy Pokey," where you put you halo in, then you put your halo out. This time we were in the sun, so it wasn't quite as cold. UMC, the Keepers of the Fire, and the Union's convenience store brought out a cart of food and hot beverages labeled "Angel Food." Sugar cookies and hot apple cider never tasted quite so good. Phelps and Company didn't quite make it through their second hour of protest; naturally we like to think it was because we successfully kept them from getting the attention, media coverage, and confrontation upon which they thrive.

As the Westboro clan drove off we let out a cheer, and those gathered around joined in with us. We all felt a huge sense of accomplishment as we paused for a group photo. It had been a tough morning, but we all knew it was worth it. We honestly didn't anticipate the amount of media coverage we'd get. We also didn't expect to be a key part of play, destined to become the most produced play in America and an HBO movie adaptation.

My sister was an angel. My boss was an angel. Classmates, friends, and strangers. We stood together, not representing any one group, faith, or sexual orientation. We simply wanted to take a stand against intolerance and hatred. I still carry the memories with me. I will never forget the sun shining on the tree overhead at the courthouse. I remember thinking of Matt's smile the whole morning, struggling to fight off tears and maintain my own smile. And I remember the feeling of making a difference. I had rainbow angel wings and a halo tattooed on my ankle to remind me that we all have wings, we just need to stretch them more often.

Some time after the fact, I talked with Rob and Dave. They were in the courthouse that morning preparing for the trial, and someone called them to the window. It gave them strength and hope to face their own obstacle that morning. Another friend, someone with whom I had worked at the junior high during my student teaching, was also in the courthouse. She told me that she and her coworkers cried as the angels walked up. And I remember so many faces smiling back at us in front of the Union.

Today's lesson: Doing the right thing isn't always easy. Standing up and speaking out for those who can't is no easier. But it MUST be done if we hope to create a better tomorrow. Do what you can in the face of intolerance or discrimination. Do what you can, even when you don't want to. It will change you life in ways you cannot begin to imagine today, and hopefully do the same for the world in which we live.

Armbands 101

2008-09-19T11:06:00.005-06:00

I have decided to do a series of retrospective posts. I've been doing a few interviews and some planning for the 10 year anniversary of Matt's murder. I've also been talking with the American Heritage Center (love you, Keith!) about putting some of my archives/momentos/etc into a collection there. I am actually HONORED to be able to share these stories with you all. It means so much to know there’s “another generation” who care and are willing to learn. And I suspect some of the "old guard" will remember some of this, and hopefully smile, even if at times it's through tears. This first post is about the yellow armbands.

The armbands were first created by the United Multicultural Council, which was a fairly new student organization at the time. They wanted to do something that would allow students and staff to VISIBLY show their support for the GLBT community and to make a statement against violence. The yellow was inspired by the yellow ribbons used after the Oklahoma City bombing. The green circle is the international symbol of peace.

In order to create the armbands, we simply took yellow fabric and cut it into uniform strips. We then used green craft paint from the Campus Activities Cenver, also available in the craft aisle of any department store. We unscrewed the lid to the paint and poured it into disposable plates, then used the bottom of the paint lids as a “stamp.” It kept things uniform, was easy to clean, and meant we didn’t have to be artists. They were then hung on makeshift clotheslines strung throughout the old CAC. Back then there were pillars and desks and things, and we used string to create mass drying areas. We used the clothesline, couches, chairs…any surface where they could dry. They made over 1000 armbands the first day, and bought the fabric at Wal-Mart.

As it was just before Homecoming and EVERYONE on campus was feeling what happened to Matt, the armbands flew out the door. They passed them out in the Breezeway, and they were all gone in a matter of hours. Students from many groups (and even random individuals) volunteered to make more, and they stayed until the early morning. They went back to Wal-Mart to get more fabric and paint. When they found out what it was for, Wal-Mart refused to accept payment for the fabric. Instead, they simply asked “How do you want this cut?” and then the craft department spent their time cutting the armbands so the students only had to paint and dry them.

Production continued for days, and eventually there was no more yellow fabric available in Laramie. Someone must have called a friend, because at one point we got a phone call that some students from CSU were driving up from Fort Collins. They’d passed a hat around and bought as much yellow fabric as they could afford, and they intended to hand deliver it so nobody had to drive to get it.

The Casper Star Tribune printed the symbol full page in color so people throughout the state could display them. They created a banner with the symbol to march behind in the Homecoming parade. It was behind this symbol that a group of 100 turned into over 1000. It was behind this symbol that we spoke in front of the Newman Center at a candlelight vigil…with a crowd nearing 1500. The volleyball team used them to tie back their hair during games for the rest of the season. The football team had it turned into a sticker and wore them on their helmets for the rest of their season. I also saw the symbol in Washington DC when I spoke at the vigil held on the steps of the Capitol. Someone had found a copy of the Casper Star or scanned it from the internet, but there it was. In the window of an apartment just off Dupont Circle, and only 4 days after the Homecoming game. Love travels quickly.

We brought the armbands back for an anniversary. Phelps was going to be here for the Homecoming game, so we organized a Peaceful Positive Presence. Once again the Union was littered with yellow scraps and string…and hope and love. Most of the marching band wore the armband during that game, and we didn’t take any home. I eventually got the yellow threads off my living room carpet. In an odd way, I was sad to see them go.

My heart still swells when I see a dirty, dingy, faded, or tattered armband. On a backpack. On a car’s rear-view mirror. In an office. How powerful and amazing, that a few scraps of cloth and craft paint could unite thousands of strangers and neighbors with a simple message of peace and non-violence. And how universal the message. Couldn’t we all use more peace and non-violence in 2008?

Next time: Angel Action

Three words

2008-09-19T11:06:00.001-06:00

They are usually hard to say, at least out loud. It's scary to be the first to say them. But it's worth it when you hear them back. And you both mean it.

10 years...

2008-09-12T14:35:00.002-06:00

For those who've been waiting, here's a post about something OTHER than the boyfriend...

I cannot believe that it has been almost 10 years since my life changed. Since my town changed. And since I lost a friend. The 10 year anniversary of Matt's murder is coming up in under a month. The press have already started lining up. So far I've done interviews with the Advocate, the Boomerang, and NBC Nightly News (story to run online). I've had calls from NPR, Channel 13, and a radio documentarian from Iowa. I'm speaking at the University of Denver on the 9th, and Spectrum is shoring up their plans for events throughout the month.

I'm not sure I'm ready for another round of interviews, but I refuse to be silent. I will continue to speak up and speak out in place of a voice silenced too soon. I will continue to tell his story. I will continue to speak out against hate and violence. I will continue to make the world better. But I admit it, I'm tired. With a new relationship, a new job, and the start of semester, I'm already run pretty ragged. It's more the scheduling than anything else, I think. Trying to fit in interviews and phone calls, respond to emails, coordinate with those making plans...it's keeping me hopping, to be sure.

Today I'm reflecting on how funny time is. It speeds up and slows down at will, it seems. Scotty and Craig are moving to St. Louis by October 1st, and time is slipping away before they leave. 10 years has passed in the blink of an eye, and yet it also seems like a lifetime ago. The morning was done before I knew it, but the afternoon is creeping along in the most painful fashion. It's such a fickle thing, that time is.

I know that things will work out. The Universe will provide, and I'll make it through to the other side. It's just...pensive. Weighty. And definitely emotional. Thank goodness for the weekend, and a trip to see Avenue Q in Denver!

A four letter word

2008-09-08T19:52:00.002-06:00

Yes, dear readers, I do believe it's happening. I've fallen in deep smit, and the dreaded L word hovers on my mind. And my lips. And I'm not the only one. It's been just over a month now, so let's review:

I've been pampered and doted on. Not only have there been "formal" flowers (rose petals and candles on the bed with a dozen roses on the nightstand), on several occasions I've been given random flowers, picked from a tree or nearby bush. I've been taken to lunch, dinner, cocktails, and everything in between.

Most of my close friends have met Jesse, and I have yet to receive a negative review. Scotty and Craig were up this weekend, and we all went to the game. Brittany has known him for a while. Jess and Andrew, Bobbers, Nell, Ryan and Kass, Jerry, Tracey and Rob...they're all on board. And giving me copious amounts of shit, needless to say. I've met his friends too, including many of his fraternity brothers. They're giving him some shit too, but we all seem to get along quite well.

We've had trips out of town, quiet evenings at home, nights apart, nights together, nights on the town, and a fantastic month overall. We're communicating well too, and this weekend checked in with each other. "How are things going for you? Have I been a good boyfriend so far? Is there anything annoying you or that you want to change?" The answers were all very good on both sides.

We want similar things out of life, and have encouraged each other to do what needs to be done. Again, it's nice to date an adult in that regard. I've met a lot of his family, and the other day his mom asked him how I was doing. Apparently, she approves so far. In other words, things are going very well!

I've been walking on Cloud 9 for some time now, though another part of me is terrified. I feel like the other shoe should have fallen by now, like I should have discovered some fault or flaw that could be a deal breaker. My own self-doubt nags me about what he'll find that HE doesn't like, and run screaming. But it hasn't happened, and I'm not going to spend my time focusing on that. Instead, I'm focusing on what's going right. On how I feel. On my overflowing heart, and hopes for the future. On my thoughts that he could be the one.

Today's Lesson: Sometimes things are scary. Don't let that keep you from something that could turn out to be amazing. Fear is powerful, but hope and love are stronger. Take a chance.

It's definitely Fall semester

2008-09-04T15:00:00.003-06:00

There's no mistaking it anymore. There are hoards of students roaming the streets on weekends and running across campus streets and walkways. I've been buzzed by bike riders many days in a row. Friends who teach have been stressing over their syllabi, friends who learn have been prepping homework lists, and friends who do neither shake their heads at all the activity. Stress is already growing for most of the folks connected to the Rainbow Kingdom.

Work is no different. Meetings are picking up and we've already had new complaints in the office. We're starting new projects and initiatives, so there's more than enough work to go around. Invitations, meeting rooms, search files, thank you's, brochures, memos...it's jumping around here, I tell ya. And it's only likely to get busier.

And then there's this dating thing. It's still going well. We're exploring our relationship. Figuring out the logistics necessary for dating someone. How do we juggle busy schedules, social engagements, and still make sure we have time together...just the two of us? What's the next step? We've talked a bit about holidays, vacations, etc. Nothing permanent or serious, mind you, but the first steps. After all, I've already met the bulk of the family.

I told him the other night that it's so refreshing dating an adult. We haven't had petty squabbles about "why are you going to go do that instead of spending time with me?" or similar junior high school problems. We both understand that we have jobs, class, committees, friends, family, and other obligations that we have to make time for. We understand that we're on call, and sometimes we have to put a friend first due to crisis, dilemma, or timing.

Today's lesson: Take a breath. Yes, this is a previous lesson revisited. It's started up again, so deal with it. It's time to go back to scheduling things carefully. Planning time for readings, laundry, cooking, and showering. Figuring out how to cram it all into 24 short hours a day. It's not easy, and usually comes with a fair amount of stress. But it's also usually worth it in the end. Hang in there. You've likely done this before, and will do it again. You really CAN handle it.

The birthday report...

2008-08-27T12:11:00.002-06:00

I have to admit, it was one helluva birthday. We started things on Friday night, and made rounds to the Alibi before landing at the Library. There was also a quick stop at a house party, and I was up until around 4am. A fantastic night, to be sure. After waking up late on Saturday, I lounged about the house a bit before heading out again.

Saturday night was birthday karaoke at the Library, and I would be remiss if I didn't thank Stew for juggling the DJ schedule there in order to make it happen! Josh, Randy, and Adam even came up from Denver to surprise me! Many fab friends showed up over the two nights, and it felt FAB.

Sunday there was more lounging with the boyfriend, and a few cocktails at the Library. I'm definitely becoming a (more) regular there, thanks in large part to the proximately to the frat for Jesse. :) My boss told me to take my birthday off, so Monday brought a 3 day weekend! I had lunch with Jesse at the Library, got a free dessert and serenade to boot. We went back to meet friends for cocktails later that night, got a birthday shot, another serenade (gotta love Songwyn!), and more time with the bf. Yes, you're sensing a trend.

Tuesday I woke up, shaved, showered, and got dressed to go back to work. They're replacing the windows in Old Main, and it was our turn. So when I showed up, everything was covered in plastic and moved around. We couldn't use the computers, turn on the meager portable air conditioning units, access the fax machine or files, etc. So it was decided to close the office. Gee, darn!

I took the chance to catch up with some folks, so I grabbed donuts and went down to the Laramie Reproductive Health (formerly Albany County Family Planning) clinic to see the gang. I got to hang with Bobbers, Jennie, and Charlotte in the morning. I then went down to the flower shop to return a vase after our reception last week. I ended up doing a couple deliveries for her since she was short staffed and I had a free day. I even picked up a new orchid...for Jesse. He loved it, and I think I earned a few brownie points. ;)

I went back to the clinic to try to fix up some of the computers in the afternoon, and then headed home. Jesse came over in the evening to hang out, do some laundry, and work on his Spanish homework. I have to admit, things are going very well there. I'm falling into DEEP smit, and doing my best not to pick out china patterns JUST yet. This was my first birthday with a boyfriend, and I am a big fan! I was pampered, adored, and spoiled rotten. *swoon* All in all, life is going very well.

Today's lesson: When you find yourself with some extra time, do something nice for someone else. It feels good inside, helps make things easier for those around you, and helps you reconnect with people around you.

Aging

2008-08-22T14:54:00.002-06:00

Monday is my 5th annual 29th birthday. And I'm not overly happy about it. Each year it serves as a reminder that the semester is starting and the chaos is returning. That I'm another year older and more removed from the college students who surround me. That another batch of friends has left to start their "real lives" after college...or they soon will.

But the flip side of this logic is that it's another year of unique experiences, amazing friends, and unforgettable memories. It's another year of accomplishments completed, obstacles overcome, and challenges met. For every cloud, there's a silver lining, after all.

I don't like aging, but it's a necessary evil if one wants to live and learn. And it's important to celebrate making it through another year. To that end, there will be some going out going on this weekend. I'm spending Saturday afternoon with the boyfriend and his mom, and Sunday afternoon I'm helping Nell move. I think the Alibi and Library are likely bases of operation for the weekend, and Friday and Saturday nights will probably be spent OUT! Stop by and find me, give me a call to track me down, and for pity's sake, buy me a drink if you see me out! ;)

And remember: I may be getting older but I refuse to grow up!

I'm gonna snap into my own and tweak someone in the melon!

2008-08-12T12:32:00.002-06:00

See, I knew it wouldn't be long before I witnessed something that pissed me off, and lead me to post about something other than my love life. Two things have me steamed this afternoon:

Long time readers might remember that I had a few substantial posts during the last summer Olympics. I L-O-V-E the games, and miss watching them with my mom. I love the spirit of the games, the stories, and the sportsmanship that usually dominates. Last night I was out at the Library watching Jesse play poker while I took advantage of "Margarita Monday." The games were on, and eventually a loud group came into the bar and started paying attention to the TV's like me. When Phelps won a gold medal in one race and qualified for the next round in another, they started cheering and chanting "USA." Yes, go team, indeed! When they cut back to men's gymnastics, the comments and shouts took a different turn. Suddenly I was hearing derision about the other teams. I admit that I do sometimes say "don't stick the landing" or "feel free to bobble on the dismount" when the US is neck-and-neck with another team. Last night, however, I heard racial slurs and epithets being tossed around by some of the folks in the bar. It's one thing to cheer on your own team. But to get personal and insult or attack the other competitors because of happenstance of birth? NOT OK. Friends, please don't ever let me catch you falling into this pattern, because I hate ripping into my dearest ones. But Mama Gay will do so if necessary.
Meet California Chief Justice Ronald George. He's the one who just wrote the majority opinion that legalized same-sex marriage in the Golden State. After 34 years as a judge in California (17 of them on the high court), he's largely known as a careful jurist. He was first appointed by Ronald Reagan (uber-Republican), and another Republican (Pete Wilson) appointed him as Chief Justice in 1996. He's been highly touted for modernizing and streamlining the court system in California. He's been tough on crime, and forced prosecutors to stick to their guns in the Hillside Strangler case, resulting in a conviction and 9 counts of murder. All in all, not someone most would call "an activist judge." Until now. Now, he's likely to have to raise one metric butt-ton of money to mount a re-election campaign. And I quote:
''Absolutely, Ron George should be thrown out for voting for gay marriage,'' said Mike Spence, president of the conservative California Republican Assembly. ''He has a very radical view of what's a family.'' (from the Advocate)
You disagree with his opinion, so he should be out of a job?! Why not ask the correct questions, like "Is he a bad jurist? Has he been unfair in his decisions? Are his rulings consistent with the law?" His view of "family" is NOT grounds for a smear campaign. While we're at it, why don't we talk about the fact that he did not "VOTE for gay marriage." He interpreted the laws of the State of California in regards to a case on his desk. And three other justices agreed, hence the term "majority." I am SO sick of people tossing around the term "activist judge." It was used with Roe V. Wade. It was used with Brown V. Board of Education (you know, that whole separate but equal thing). Basic logic tells us that we can't always let majority opinion dictate what is right. It's why the judicial branch provides a check to the legislative. The rights of the minority cannot be left up to majority vote. If they were, women and people of color likely wouldn't even have the right to vote against gay marriage. Wyoming would not be a state. Interracial marriage would still be illegal. How many of things do we now look back on and say "Damn they/we were so stupid and blind. How could they have thought that was right?" You don't like the law? Work to change it. It's how the human rights movements have been working for ages. Work within the system, but don't get personal with someone because they're paid to read and review the rules.

I leave you with some quotes; please note they are not from dumb people:

In Republics, the great danger is, that the majority may not sufficiently respect the rights of the minority. - James Madison
All, too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will, to be rightful, must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal laws must protect, and to violate would be oppression. - Thomas Jefferson
One great object of the Constitution was to restrain majorities from oppressing minorities or encroaching upon their just rights. - James Polk
Too many Americans don't understand the importance of minority rights and the independent judiciary. - Douglas Abrams
The majority is always wrong; the minority is rarely right. - Henrik Ibsen
Individual rights are not subject to a public vote; a majority has no right to vote away the rights of a minority; the political function of rights is precisely to protect minorities from oppression by majorities (and the smallest minority on earth is the individual). - Ayn Rand

Date #4

2008-08-11T10:18:00.003-06:00

So it's been a busy week. Since my last post, there have been 2 more dates, two trips to Rendezvous, an interview with NBC Nightly News online (to run in Oct), and another day of moving.

Work is continuing and is going well, though I'm working my tail off and struggling to learn SO much SO quickly. I do love a challenge, though. We're gearing up for the start of semester, which means several training sessions on sexual harassment and other forms of discrimination.

I took Britt and Krystal up the mountain to see Jerry and Chuck for dinner on Tuesday, and we went up Saturday night as well. Good food, good friends, and campfire hijinks abound. I got to see several friends from Rendezvous past, and it was nice to catch up with some of the folks I don't see often.

NBC is putting together a story for the 10 year anniversary of Matt's murder. Rather than a 2 minute segment for NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams (who is funny and fairly yummy, by the way), they're working a longer piece for NBC Nightly Online. It won't run until October, so don't start googling yet. I'll post links and such when it goes live. :) People is working on a story already, as is the Boomerang. I have no doubt that more will follow soon. *sigh* Here I go again as the poster queen for Wyoming.

Now to the good stuff....the boy. Things are going well enough that I now feel comfortable revealing the secret identity of "my man" (for lack of a better or more official term). Some of you might know Jesse Taylor. He's an SAE, an anthro major, and is 29 years old. Yes...an adult! Date #2 was jazz night followed by karaoke. He endured the first "public" date well, and Britt, Krystal, Nell, Jess, Andrew, and Tamara all got to meet him (again, in some cases). It was REALLY nice being able to hold hands with someone in public.

Date #3 was yesterday. He came over around 2:30 and spent the afternoon cooking dinner for us. Yes, he can cook. Very well. Brought some fresh treats from his garden too. We ate on the back porch. Table cloth, formal place setting...the works. He cleaned the kitchen as he went too, earning major brownie points. We spent the day watching the Olympics, talking, learning more about each other, and cuddling on the couch. We've got SO much in common, and so far are getting along swimmingly. Date #4 is tonight. For those keeping score at home, this is 4 dates in a week. That might be more than I've had in the last 2 YEARS. So yeah, I'm grinning like an idiot.

So there's the update on my life, folks. I'm sure that soon I shall return to more ponderous subjects rather than trying to rely on book report-esque updates on my life. But many of you lurkers out there are starting to ask about the boy, so I thought it best to cut y'all off at the pass. More later....

Shit...that may have been a date!

2008-08-05T12:27:00.002-06:00

I don't know how it happened. I wasn't looking for it, to be sure. But then again, that's when everyone says it's supposed to happen. Hell, that's when I've said it's supposed to happen. It all started Friday night...

I was dragged, kicking and screaming of course, out on the town Friday. We were supposed to wander around the Farmer's Market, pick up ingredients for dinner, and then go to someone's place to cook. Naturally since there are several fine establishments downtown, we'd stop in for a happy hour along the way. As per usual, plans quickly shifted, and after the happy hour we went to Altitude's for dinner.

Later that evening, we hit the Buckhorn for one drink. Then Tommy's for a martini. By this time, some of us were decidedly intoxi-fi-mi-cated. I know...shocking, right? The group split and I diligently followed my designated driver and crew to the 3rd Street Cowboy. Being the social butterfly that I am, I ran into several folks I know. Rob, Doug, and Devon. Todd. And someone I hadn't seen since a karaoke night a while back. Someone I've always thought was cute (we'll just call him J for now), but never gave me a second glance. Or so I thought. That's when I felt the pat on the ass. Or did I imagine it? I was pretty liquored by this point, after all. Maybe it's just my wishful thinking, imagination, or the large quantities of vodka.

Half my crew went out to the patio, and soon J was there too. And we talked. And flirted a bit. And texted. We both agreed that we were interested, but wanted to be adult and find out what the expectations were for each other. And that it was a conversation best held when less tanked. So I was told to call him on Saturday, and we parted. (And texted more before finally giving in to booze and exhaustion and sleeping.) All in all, a great night.

Saturday ended up dedicated to manual labor, in the form of moving a friend into a new apartment. Hot, sticky, sweaty, and sore. Needless to say I didn't get a phone call made. But I did get a text sent off Sunday morning. Which Verizon decided not to deliver. *grumble* So I called Monday evening, and after several rings J picked up. He was on his way to a poker tournament at Altitudes, and invited me to come. I deferred, as poker's not really my thing. I've played before and can have a lot of fun, but organized, public poker? Not so much. I told him to call me when got done.

And so it was that at 8:30pm on Monday, my phone rang. And I agreed to go out for dinner and a drink at Chili's. As I walked out the door I realized...shit...this might be a date! Am I ready to date? Am I wanting to date? What does he want? What do I want? SHIT SHIT SHIT. I activated a phone tree or two to obtain any info my spies might have about J, just to make sure there wasn't some history of mental illness, dickishness, or a secret boyfriend I didn't know about. Green light on all counts. So there I was, getting into a car, headed for a date (or at least pre-date), with no real notice/planning/preparation. SHIT SHIT SHIT. Inhale, exhale, repeat as needed.

We had a great time at dinner. Talked for an hour and half. Laughed. Found a lot in common. Smiled a lot. And went to the Library for a night cap, as neither of us was quite ready for the night to end. We talked some more, and laughed some more, and found more in common. And had a great night. I'm heading up the mountain tonight to have dinner with Chuck and Jerry, but think I'll have an escort to Jazz Night for tomorrow. And at midnight when this Cinder-fella turned into a pumpkin, there was a good night kiss. A good one. And then another.

As I was in bed ready to fall asleep last night, we texted a bit more. And will be talking more. As I woke up this morning I realized: yup, that was a date. How in the hell did that happen? But I'm glad it did. We'll see where this goes. I'll keep you all posted, though remember: patience is a virtue. I'm not posting his name to 1) protect his privacy and 2) to avoid jinxing something that could become something. Ladies and gentlemen...please hold on to the bar.

Um, what happened to summer?

2008-08-01T08:55:00.002-06:00

It's August now. In 25 days I'll be celebrating my 5th annual 29th birthday. My question is: what the hell happened to summer? June disappeared in a flurry of doing everything I could while leaving the old job and racing to get a handle on the new one. Pride rounded out the month, and then it was gone in a blink. July didn't last long either. There was the 4th and Craig's retirement party. Jubilee Days and the Brew Fest. And more work. I've had no camping trips, no BBQ's...I'm not ready for school to start in just over 3 weeks!

In other news...for the last few months Ruby Slippers has served as a shelter and refuge for wayward souls. As a result, I've drafted some "house rules." I recommend everyone do the same, especially if you often have visitors, houseguests, or long-term infestations of friends. Without further ado, I give you:

The Squatter's Guide to Ruby Slippers

If you turn it on, turn it off when you're done using it. Especially lights.
If you open it, close it. This includes food.
If you get it out, put it away.
If you spill it, clean it.
If you break it, please notify the management.
If you use it, replace what you can.
Help with groceries, cooking, and cleaning are greatly appreciated. You should at least clean up after yourself. Marti is the headliner, NOT the maid.

Happy Birthday

2008-07-22T13:09:00.003-06:00

Today would have been my mother's 70th birthday had she not lost her battle with breast cancer July 4, 2002. This date doesn't usually bother me, but for some reason the round number 70 is a bit tough for me today. I'm missing her and her laugh. Her smile. Even her frustrated sigh.

Call someone you haven't spoken to in far too long to tell them how much you love them. Send a card to a relative just because. Do something fun you've been putting off. It's worth it.

A month later...

2008-07-14T21:35:00.003-06:00

So I've been in the new job for just over a month now. It's taken Tracey (my cohort in office crime) and me this long just to sort through the files, organize the paperwork, and figure out where in the hell everything is supposed to be. And what to do with it. It's been an adventure, but we're getting there.

We're starting to get serious about work on some of our new projects. Diversity training, for starters. And we're working on an announcement of a partnership with 4 of the country's Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCU's). I've been working on compiling information about the over 100 HBCU's for a week, and finished it up last week. I also dug in and figured out another part of the new software program we use to track EEO data. Yeah, I'm feeling like a rock star there.

Soon there will be the start of school...and a few large annual reports to the EEOC. You know, nothing major. Just an analysis of the hiring for the last year, breaking down applicant info by race and sex. By department. And the last round of academic hiring paperwork. Just in time to start sexual harassment training for supervisors. So yeah...it's gonna be a busy year at work.

But we're having fun doing it. And I'm doing my best to enjoy the summer. Jazz nights at the Cavalryman. Happy hour on Fridays with friends. A BBQ here and a concert there.

A quick list of more Jim's Good Gay News:

C(raig) is now officially out of the military. And gay.
On Independence Day, we were set free. From Jesse Helms. I don't revel in his death, but I didn't cry either. At all.
This week Massachusetts may repeal the 1913 law that prevented non-resident couples from getting married. This would help couples in New York and is another step toward equality.
Bishop Gene Robinson is going to crash the Lambeth conference...in the most polite and respectful way possible. He's taking a stand for GLBTQ people of faith. And will probably have to wear a bulletproof vest the whole time, like he did for his consecration. How's that for Christian love? But still he loves on...

False advertising

2008-07-03T09:50:00.004-06:00

This morning as I was driving to work, I followed a car onto the Interstate. One of their bumper stickers caught my eye, and I had to share. The sticker was a fairly plain white background with pretty rainbow lettering (hence catching my eye). It read "God chooses life." The irony washed over me, and it made me ponder how many people use words, phrases, and symbols without any realization of their meaning. I grant that we homos don't have a corner on the market when it comes to rainbows, but this particular sticker was quite the gay design. I wondered if the owner of the car would display the sticker if it read "God loves gays too." It gave me a snicker, at any rate. It also made me think about false advertising. Jesus loves you, but don't forget to check the fine print. Gay people are too promiscuous, but we don't want them get married either.

It reminded me of the many times someone has come up to me and commented on one of my bits of rainbow jewelry. "Oh how pretty! And it goes with EVERYTHING!" Often people use my jewelry as a way to identify themselves or show their support. While out having a night on the town with my new boss a few weeks ago, a girl saw my bracelet (Thanks Smith!) and simply said "Family? Me too!" Then there are the folks who have NO idea what the rainbow means. They just see it as pretty. My favorite is when they ask "Where can I get one?" I'm not saying gaydar is perfect, but I know I'm not THAT bad at spotting the cousins. My standard response is "I got this one in Denver/San Francisco/DC," which is true for most of my jewelry. Occasionally I have to explain further "at gay pride..." or "in the cutest little gay shop..." After all, I wouldn't want them advertising themselves in the wrong market. Well, maybe some of them... ;)

I'm also heading to Denver this weekend for two reasons. Squid and I are going to see the True Colors Concert at Red Rocks on Saturday. It's all about being yourself. We're also going down for C's retirement party. After 20 years in the military he can finally be himself. Yes, in a few days I will be able to post his full name without having to worry about turning him into a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" statistic. His family is going to be in town, as is his boyfriend's family. I certainly don't fault C for his own form of false advertising; it's been a necessity for him to finish his first career. I am still more than annoyed that it's even necessary, though. A threat to unit cohesion, they say. Didn't they also use that line when integrating the military too?

Who knew that a simple anti-abortion bumper sticker would connect my brain to DA:DT? Well, most who know me won't be surprised, but still...

Have a safe and fun 4th of July! And as I mention each year, cherish your loved ones. Mom died on July 4, 2002. She finally had her freedom after 2.5 years battling cancer, and my sister and I agree it couldn't have been more fitting. So tomorrow afternoon, send a little love out to the Universe in my mom's honor, and call those you love. TELL THEM!

Pride-tastic

2008-06-27T11:44:00.003-06:00

Last weekend was Pride down in Denver. It meant 4 days of relaxing, cocktailing with friends, and steeping myself in pure gayness. 2 days by the pool. 1 day at the Pride Festival, dancing and seeing familiar faces. 3 nights going out on the town. All in all, a very good getaway weekend. It was nice not having to fight my boss for time off too. *evil grin*

Highlights:

Seeing Romaine and meeting her partner and baby
Getting to do a day of Pride with Mandy and Teel
Lounging by the pool with Jerry, Adam, and Squiddy - it'd been too long
Going out dancing with Adam and Squiddy
As always, spending time with Scotty, Craig, and Kalley
Getting drunk with Chad in Civic Center Park - and dancing about to Martha Walsh!
Reconnecting with myself and remember why I do what I do
Hearing that Denver now hosts the 7th largest Pride celebration in the country

We didn't go crazy like we have in the last two years, and that was just fine by me. Not everyone could be there, and though we missed some folks, we still had a blast. I feel like a person again. I had some down time from work that wasn't connected to a doctor's appointment, meeting, or conference. I got to stare at hoards of hunky men in very little clothing. I got to spend time with really good friends. I got my tan back. What more could a girl ask for?

And Squiddy and I will be heading down again for the 4th of July, as we have tickets to the True Colors Tour at Red Rocks. Look out kids, I'm gonna be at full gay strength again!

Happy Gay Marriage Day!

2008-06-17T22:39:00.002-06:00

I had a phone call yesterday from my friend Rod in San Diego. He called me 16 minutes before most folks could get a license. It's a good day to be gay. I have to believe that the voters in California will have the sense NOT to vote for the amendment to the state constitution, and the marriages performed between today and election day will not be invalidated. Please please please.

I have also completed 7 days at my new job. All is going well. We're coping with a filing system that was...problematic. Even considering I've spent too much time coping with someone who didn't do anything for at least 6 months, I heart my new job. I already knew that I would love my new boss, Nell. My coworker Tracey is a hoot too, and I already knew her by virtue of her husband. We're rocking and rolling in the office. The files are almost done, and it's on to training development now.

In other words...life is good once again. MandyFish will be here tomorrow(ish), Pride is this weekend, and my gay batteries will soon be recharged fully. Who knew that June could bring such bliss!? The money crunch is on, but all else is "all speed ahead." I even got to help facilitate a SafeZone session tonight for a high school camp on campus. Bright kids with smart questions. There is once again hope for America, folks.

Yes, boys and girls...it's a good day in the Rainbow Kingdom.

Here we go!

2008-06-06T09:56:00.001-06:00

Today is my last day at IT. I'm currently sitting in Orientation resetting passwords. Yesterday I got most of my office boxed and moved out. I've backed up my computer, exported my iTunes purchases, and copied all my IT files to a server where my coworkers can access them. I've done everything I can do to get them ahead, and most things are done up through the middle of August. In short, I'm all set to go today.

Earlier this week I had dinner with my new boss, Nell. For 4.5 hours. We had a ball, and talked about some of the things we'd like to do, changes that need to happen, and where to begin. I'm just getting more and more excited about the job and the challenges it will bring. We're going to be doing a heck of a lot. As Nell put it, we're gonna be shakin' and bakin'.

I'm REALLY looking forward to new adventures, and I can't wait to share them with all of you! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Empress Airlines flight 201 with service to the 4th floor of Old Main and continuing on to the future. Please fasten your seatbelts in preparation for take off, and make sure your tray tables and seat backs are in their full upright and locked position. We hope you'll sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. We know our flight crew will.

Life updates

2008-06-03T13:28:00.002-06:00

I have 3 days, 2 hours, and 55 minutes left with IT. But who's counting? This week is doing its best to crush my soul, largely due to Orientation and trying to organize my office, files, etc. Oh yeah...and pack 12.5 years worth of crap. I'm refusing to give in. My office aide is helping with this greatly. She's treating this like Hanukkah, and I'm getting little gifts and surprises every day. Janet doth rock!
I'm already getting email requests for my new job, though I have no idea what to do with them. Nell (my new boss) assures me they will wait until Monday, and I'll know what to do with them soon enough. I'm not used to not knowing things, but I'm looking forward to the learning curve. I'm sick like that.
I am currently without TV. It seems my Dish Network receiver has had a hard drive failure that can't be fixed. They're sending me a replacement that should arrive no later than Thursday. It's one thing to be without current shows. What has me fuming (and sobbing) is the loss of some of the shows I had saved long term. In addition to the last few episodes of various series I watch, I'm losing some of the documentaries and news specials about Matt. Things I can't replace.
Summer is underway, and I finally believe we might just possibly perhaps be beyond the days of snow. I won't swear to it, but I'm crossing my fingers. The yard got its first mowing of the season (thanks Squiddy!), and I'm wearing sandals again. A little more sun and I'll be able to wear shorts with more confidence.
Pride is just around the corner. So are the summer camping trips. And the True Colors concert at Red Rocks on July 5th. With the new job, I must just get to have a social life this summer.

These are the important updates I can think of.

Ch- ch- ch- changes...

2008-05-23T09:59:00.001-06:00

As some of you are aware, I recently applied for a new job as the Assistant to the Associate Vice President for Diversity at the University of Wyoming. This morning I was offered and accepted the position, and will begin my new job on June 9th. I admit to being a bit nervous as I have worked at Information Technology for the last 12.5 years, and have only worked here since my sophomore year of college. At the same time, I'm VERY excited about about this new direction in my life.
My new position will involve assisting with diversity training, committee work, and helping with diversity efforts on campus. This is the next step in making my passion my profession, and I'm looking forward to it! This is all happening very quickly, and there will be a decent learning curve for me. I'm leaving today at 12:30pm for a long Memorial Day weekend in Denver, and am so glad to have something to celebrate in addition to taking some much-needed down time. My email address and cell phone number will not be changing. I'm going to be very busy over the next while, first in trying to make things as easy on IT as possible and then in trying to learn a brand new job. Thanks for your patience if I'm less available for a bit. ;) And thanks for the love and support so many of you have given over the last few months. You all mean the world to me, and I can't wait to share with you all the new adventures down the road.

Today's lesson - if you do something you love, you'll never work a day in your life. (Yeah, it's not a BGJ original, but fits nicely, I think.)

Highs and lows

2008-05-08T14:35:00.002-06:00

I've often heard life described as a roller coaster. Sometimes it feels more like a helicopter, shooting up and down without much forward motion. I had several posts floating in my brain, and most of them are positive. Then I opened my news today and wanted to cry. All of the posts are timely, so here's a quick summary:

Milestones: I recently hit 300 posts (this is #302). It's a fun milestone, and I hope everyone has enjoyed reading my thoughts, rants, and adventures as much as I've enjoyed posting them. Thinking about my posts has taught me a great deal about life and myself, and I hope some of the "lessons" have applied to you all as well. Comment more often, so I know what you're thinking too!
Speak up, speak out: The Diversity Summit on Monday went well, I think. 85 people sat in a room for 6 hours for the first annual President's Diversity Summit. There were students, staff, faculty, and administrators. I've not heard any negative feedback, but there are a few folks I want to specifically ask. If nothing else, I think we got people talking, and that was the most important part to us.
The future's so bright: I went and spoke to a group of students at the high school yesterday. I think it went well, and I managed to keep around 8 teenagers engaged and talking for 90 minutes. Who knew?! Straight kids, not so straight kids. Allies and a Christian student who didn't really know what to expect but wanted to learn more and have a conversation. The high school GSA is going to meet with the Fellowship of Christian Athletes before the semester is out. Talking with them made it clear that there's hope. They're far more socially conscious than most adults, and only two of them had ever HEARD of the game "Smear the Queer." Change works!
The weather fits my mood: After a few days of tantalizingly warm and sunny weather, the clouds are rolling in again. The same is true of my mood today. The Michigan Supreme Court ruled yesterday that because of the same sex marriage bans, governments and universities in the state are not ALLOWED to offer domestic partner benefits. Apparently it's not enough to keep us locked out of the chapel of love. On the off chance the dirty homo's can convince a government to treat them fairly and equally, we'll sneak it into the law. Not overly fair since the supporters of the ban specifically told voters they were only trying to prevent marriage, not benefits. There could be a federal appeal, but it's a huge step backwards. Any bets on whether the Republicans will use the term "activist judges" when the decision goes "their way?"

Today's lesson: The journey is never done, and whether it's a roller coaster, a rocket ship, or a helicopter, hold on and enjoy the ride.

Just a few more days

2008-05-02T09:52:00.003-06:00

That's do-able, right? I know that students are in the throes of Finals stress. Papers, tests, projects, presentations. Staff on campus feel this same stress. Partly because students have a tendency to scream at us as a result of their stress.

My life is no different right now. I just finished up with AIDS Walk and Drag Queen Bingo. There's still a fair amount of paperwork to do for that, and last night I made the final arrangements for the board's "thank you" dinner for Monday. Today I have at least a 3 hour meeting for PACMWA. We're deciding how to give out almost $40,000 today. As chair, I'm running the meeting, and have spent the last week processing and reviewing grant applications.

Monday is the President's Diversity Summit, which I'm also planning. The facilitator flies in on Sunday. The RSVP list is at 75. It was originally supposed to be about 50 people. I'm expecting 85 by the time we're done. We've had to change dates 3 times. The catering is ordered, the A/V arrangements have been made, the rooms are reserved, and I think we've thought of everything. I have to print the handouts and coordinate name tags with the President's Office. While I'm excited about the event and the chance to get so many important people at the table to talk about diversity, I'm ready for the semester to be D-O-N-E, done.

There are a few other irons in the fire causing me extra work and stress right now, but for the moment I have to keep my cards close. More info will be coming soon, I promise. Add to this a host of friends with stress and drama in their lives who have turned to me for help, a stack of housework, back problems, and perpetual singehood, and you have a recipe for a nervous breakdown. Fortunately, I have amazing friends who remind me of my own advice: left foot, right foot, repeat as needed.

The point of all this: there are just a few more days until the worst of my stress is behind me. The trick is to break it down into parts. Focus on the first step. Worry about left foot first. Right foot can come tomorrow. You don't have to do it all at once.

Milestones

2008-04-23T10:31:00.003-06:00

Well, I'm mostly back among the land of the living, so it's time for an update on AIDS Walk. My feet are still in a lot of pain, and have large deep tissue blisters. 6 inch heels will do that to you when you stand on your feet for 5 hours one night and turn around and do another 3 hours the next morning. The new corset did its job well, though some of the boning poked through fabric. The puncture marks and cuts are healing nicely, and aren't infected. As Livi said, "if you have to suffer for beauty, then we must be gorgeous!"

But none of that is what's really important, is it? What's important is that we raised over $20,000 on Saturday. This means we've raised more than $100,000 since the Walk was created 7 years ago. What's important is that bingo was packed to standing room only, and that people donated $4300 in 4 hours. What's important is that we can continue to support people living in the state with HIV, and that we can help make life a little bit easier for our fellow citizens.

What's most important are the hearts and minds we touched. The 100 HIV tests we did at the clinic. Getting new people signed up for assistance through the state and federal programs. Getting representatives from the state government involved to help spread the word throughout the next year. Making people aware that HIV is in Wyoming, and that people need to protect themselves.

Today's lesson: Making a difference is worth a few blisters and open wounds. Go do it!

Stamp out stigma!

2008-04-16T13:05:00.004-06:00

It's here - AIDS Walk Week, that is. The walk is Saturday, and registration opens at 9am in the Union . The opening ceremonies kick off at 11am, including our keynote speaker Secretary of State Max Maxfield. Drag Queen Bingo is back again too; this year we're out at the HoJo and the doors open at 6pm - the show starts at 7pm.

This means it's time to shave my...everything...again. You don't fully appreciate the social stigma against women and hair until you find yourself shaving your toes and the tops of your feet. I've been making new jewely all week too. Raising pledges. Collecting prizes. Meeting after meeting. Hanging dresses. Learning new numbers and developing a choreography plan. Charging walkie talkies. So much to do, and so little time to do it!

There is a huge amount of time and energy that goes into making something like AIDS Walk happen. And truth be told, it's an honor to go through the extra work and stress. It feels good to make a difference in the lives of people I know and total strangers. There's a definite thrill that comes from seeing the final tally at the end of the walk and knowing that it was all worth while.

This is something important, not only to me but to those I care about. It's something I've been connected to and affected by for a long time. I remember the first paper I wrote about AIDS, back in 9th grade. (First person to do the math and mention the year gets their head shaved!) I remember being trained as a peer educator and counselor when I was a senior. My mom had to sign a special permission slip, because we were going to talk about condoms. That's where I met someone who was HIV positive for the first time.

Today I have several folks in my life who are HIV positive. Heidi and Isaac - our keynote speakers for the walk, times 2. Bob - my drag mother and hero. Robert - one of my favorite bartenders in Denver. Walt - a former coworker. Jason - one of the founders of AIDS Walk. The two Mary's - amazing women I met through AIDS Walk. The list goes on, and these are the people who are open about their sero-status.

There are also a whole host of people I know and care about who are not or cannot be open about their HIV or AIDS. Some of them are newly diagnosed. Some of them have known for a few years. Some of them contracted it because a partner cheated on them and brought it home. Some of them had unsafe sex knowingly, while others had a condom break. The bottom line is that it doesn't matter how, when, or why they were infected - they were, and there's some serious stigma out there that goes with a positive test.

Some worry about losing their job, though it's illegal to fire someone because they're positive. It would still mean a lengthy, costly, and public fight to try to keep it. Some worry about losing family and friends, though some already have. The looks, the stares, the whispers...that's all stigma. You'd think that in 2008, knowing what we do about the disease and how it's transmitted, that we wouldn't have to deal with bias like this. But we do, and that's the theme of this year's walk: "Be a friend, not afraid. Stamp out stigma."

Please join me on campus for the walk. Please come to bingo, or the "There's Got to be a Morning After" Drag Brunch at the Cavalryman on Sunday from 11am to 2pm. If you're already booked, that's okay. Perhaps you could sponsor me by pledging a donation to the walk. If nothing else, please take a moment to examine your own hearts and minds. People who are HIV+ aren't bad people, and they don't deserve scorn, ridicule, or harassment.

To learn more about HIV in Wyoming and around the world, watch this video I put together for last year's walk. It's about 13 minutes long and will probably make you cry, but it's far too important that we learn to respect ourselves and protect ourselves...and help those in need. (http://students.uwyo.edu/jimosbrn/aids.htm)

Today's lesson: People are people. Period. Treat them as such. Period.

The Adventures of Hooker Dream and Slut Magic

2008-04-08T11:40:00.002-06:00

One of my friends is having some serious relationship problems. He and his partner are needing to take a step away, create some space to make decisions, talk things through, etc. Last night he showed up at the house and is staying with me for a few days. Some of our mutual friends have commented "you're such a good friend." He's thanked me profusely and it got me thinking - what about this is so out of the ordinary?

It's certainly not the first time my house has been a shelter/hostel/time out/safe space. When my sister's first engagement went south in a hurry and she had to get out of her apartment, she moved into mine. MandyFish and Nerdy have crashed at Ruby Slippers before. Levi (and sometimes Gretchen) lived with me for over a year! And several others have been on the "I might show up" list over the years. I can't imagine ever telling members of "my family" that they couldn't stay with me when they hit rough times. Everyone deserves a place to feel safe. Period.

That being said, I know not everyone is in a place where they could do something like this. Some wouldn't want to be near to potential drama. Some don't have the space. No doubt there will be challenges and it'll be a strain from time to time. To me, that's called life. I grew up with next to nothing but was always taught to share what you have and do what you can. Whether it's for friends, family, or strangers. Helping people when you can is what it's all about, right?

Last night my temporary roomie announced that we needed nicknames. I shall be known as Hooker Dream and he shall be called Slut Magic. No particular reason or story, just something fun in the face of something that isn't. I'm sure the adventures shall commence forthwith, and there will be laughing, learning, and crying. It's what I like to call life. People are messy sometimes, and life certainly is.

Today's lesson(s): Do what you can for others in need, whatever that might be. Do what's right, not what's easiest. And remember to find humor anytime and place you can. The good times wouldn't feel so good if we didn't also feel the lows once in a while.

A fab gay post coming soon

2008-03-31T20:52:00.002-06:00

Hello faithful reader...or random strangers. There is an inspiring, motivating, and giddy post coming about the Bear Dinner very soon. I had planned to type it up tonight, but I'm tired. The Squid and I were in the car at 5:05am today, after a fantastic weekend! Another low-key tame weekend centered around an amazing event for an amazing cause. So many stories, but they shall have to wait.

287 was open this morning, so we snuck in while the rest of the roads were closed. I was at work on time, and spent my lunch hour at the new clinic location for Laramie Reproductive Health. The move happened this weekend and we open back up tomorrow. It looks amazing. I hung a few posters and put a few boxes worth of meds in the closet.

Back for another 4.5 hours of work. I did steal the time for a quick dinner before going to the AIDS Walk Meeting. Back to the clinic to make sure they were done and didn't need more help. Fortunately, they accomplished the impossible today, and it's ready to go! So I carried all the luggage in to discover Turbo is sick.

Puppy laundry, dinner, baths...then I can unpack. Who knows...I might even get to do my own laundry yet tonight. So...the inspired, passionate post will have to ferment in my brain a little longer. In the mean time:

We are home safe. The dinner was incredible. Exciting things are going to happen. More info soon.

Today's lesson: Know when to stop. Take a moment for yourself. Breathe. Not everything has to happen at once. There's a lot to do this time of year. Pace yourself. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Breathe again. Repeat as necessary.

Dancing with a Voluptuous Star

2008-03-20T10:40:00.000-06:00

Okay, I admit I delayed posting this to give my Barack Obama post some extra airtime. It was a serious post, but now it's back to gay gushing!

The latest season of Dancing with the Stars started on St. Patty's day. The uber-queen in me goes giddy for the sequins, tuxes, and almost over-the-top costumes. The amateur dancer in me wants to cha cha and foxtrot for a crowd, especially with a studly professional wearing the yummiest of outfits. When they announced the new cast, I knew I was hooked and that this season is likely to be pure candy for me.

Extra hunky men. Iconic women. And a few twists, that make me want to kiss ABC. They've been fabulous in the past, hosting men and women of all ages. From Jerry Springer to Jane Seymour, and Scary Spice to Mario Lopez. They've included people of color, athletes, actresses, and Hollywood icons. I was floored when Heather Mills, who wears a prosthetic leg, did a cartwheel. I was just as impressed when she fell on a different night, and not only got back up and finished like a champ but came back with renewed determination.

This season, as hot as some of the male celebs might be, my out of the gate favorites are some of the ladies. What gay man could resist rooting for a figure skating legend like Kristi Yamaguchi? I have long been a fan of Marlee Matlin, and have huge respect for the brass she's shown. I am going to LOVE watching her push herself and adapt to music she can't hear, and laughing at her AMAZING sense of humor. I can't imagine trying to dance by the feel of the beat and the count alone. And then there's Marissa Jaret Winokur.

She's best known for her Tony award-winning performance as the curvy and bossomy Tracy Turnblad in Hairspray on Broadway. She's now taking to the ballroom. She's the shortest contestant in the show's history, not even reaching five feet tall. She's also the biggest gal in six seasons, and they couldn't have picked a better rep for the bigger girls. She makes no apologies about her size, and expects none from someone who notes her girth. "It's just the way my body is, and that's okay." She quips "I'm here to represent all the girls who aren't a size 2!" And she does it with SUCH personality, energy, and heart. You can't help but love her!

She represents part of what has been missing on TV and in the media. She's a regular woman, who doesn't starve herself to fit into the latest runway fashions. She's got big hair and makes no bones about the fact that she's positively giddy to be ballroom dancing like the stars she grew up idolizing. Did I mention she's got some talent as well? In her first dance, she drew a standing ovation, and nearly endless screams from the audience. She looked GREAT doing the cha cha in her plus-sized sequined electric blue gown.

I can only hope Ms. Marti Gras looks and moves half as well as she did on night 1. I love that shows like Ugly Betty exist. They remind the not-so-pretty, the not-so-popular, and the not-so-thin folks out there that they're okay too. That they can DO. They can BE. That it takes all shapes and sizes. And colors. And sexualities. And religions. That we should always be proud of who we are, and always reach for the stars. Dream big and take risks. Even if you're trying to change or improve, LOVE YOURSELF.

It's one of the hardest lessons, and is one I struggle with every day. I think we all do in our own ways. In the end, I think that's why I love Dancing with the Stars so much. And the Olympics. The Oscars. They give us hope, and show us stories of real, everyday people who have achieved incredible feats despite overwhelming odds. They show us dreams DO come true. And so I say "Dance on, ladies, and kick some ass!" Show us what you can do, and better yet, show yourselves!

And if I have to watch sometimes shirtless hunks gyrating their hips in the process, I can suffer. ;) Speaking of curvy divas, I have one last gay gush. I've now been measured for a custom corset. It will be more comfortable, more durable, and MUCH more fabulous. Look out kids, Marti is planning to WOW at this year's Drag Queen Bingo (7pm, April 19th, Laramie Ho-Jo: more details to follow).

I'm here because of Ashley too

2008-03-18T20:00:00.002-06:00

If you're on Spring Break and missed the buzz that's going around today, Barack Obama gave a speech on race today. It was in response to controversial comments made by Obama's clergy of choice. The internet is awash with comments that say the speech "will go down in history" and "wow." I heard clips today while driving back from my lunch hour, and the snippets were impressive, to be sure. The commentator on my gay radio station gushed "It's so good to hear someone finally SAY these things. It's important to actually HEAR them."

I walked into the office and my aide Janet said "have you listened to this yet?" She sent me a link, and I cued it up to play but paused it while I coped with a few tasks here and there. When I walked in a few minutes later, she was crying. A lot. At first I thought she'd gotten a call telling her someone had died. Suddenly I realized that she was still listening to the speech. "Is it really THAT good?" I asked her. As she blotted and dabbed with a Kleenex she just nodded.

So at the end of the day, I too watched the video. Being the emotional homo I am, I too cried. The radio host and Janet were right. It was SO refreshing to hear someone say what so many of us already know in our hearts. He talked candidly about the anger so many Americans feel. And not just people of color. He rightly pointed out that we MUST remember the pain and problems of the past to understand the present and to perfect the future. He also talked about the anger many white Americans feel.

He was articulate, eloquent, and truly inspirational. Rather than distancing himself from someone who was becoming controversial, he addressed the issues behind it, and showed true leadership. He didn't blame anyone, and allowed everyone their own feelings while putting the issue in context. I can't think of any words other than "Brilliant!"

As my friends know, I've been hesitant to pick a favorite in the upcoming election. My official stance has been "as long as it's not a bat-shit crazy Republican, I'll be happy. I'll even take a non-bat-shit crazy Republican, as long as they're not what we've had for the last 8 years." Today, that has changed. I have not been so moved by ANY politician about ANY issue.

It's not just the words he used, as anyone can hire a speech writer. It was the raw leadership and wisdom he exuded. I can put my faith in someone who reasons this way, because they will look at an issue and address it honestly. Fairly. Not with PC political speech, or what will poll well. But honesty and integrity. That's the only way we can start to fix our country. To become the ideal we're supposed to represent. The spirit upon which we were born. The way I want to face problems. The way I want my niece and nephew to see America. A heritage they can be proud of.

Today is the day I cast my vote for Barack. But listen and read for yourself. Then decide for yourself. I'm certain you will at least be impressed.

Click here to watch the video and/or read the text.

Can't win for trying

2008-03-04T13:09:00.002-07:00

I fear I can't go into much detail just yet, but I've reached a point where I can't win for trying at work. I've done everything that's been asked of me. I've dealt with ever-increasing workloads, expanded services, and next to no recognition. But I am paid decently and do my work well. My performance reviews even say so...for the most part. It's like beating my head against a wall.

Today's lesson...don't beat your head against the wall. Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Reach out for help when you need it. Stand up for yourself when necessary. You're a person first.

I'm SO gay this week

2008-02-19T16:42:00.002-07:00

I know, "as opposed to any other week." This week I have a total of 4 panels for classes, with another one on Monday. Women's Studies x3 and a Nurse Practitioner class, then Counselor Ed on Monday. My boss makes it very difficult to be out of the office this much, and it means I work straight (har har) through lunch. Or rather, I use my lunch hour to go be the token homo. On the one hand, this is a raging pain in the ass and reminds me why I am so disgusted with my job these days. Sometimes you just don't feel like walking into a room full of strangers and telling them your deepest darkest secrets and how tough it was growing up queer. Tired of being on display.

And yet, there's the other hand - the reason I will ALWAYS do the panels. I've already had a few people come up to me and thank me (and the other panelists too) for sharing our stories. Some of them have looked at things in a new way. Some of them now understand better what happened to Matt, despite the lies running through the local rumor mill and 20/20. There have also been one or two students in the classes who I caught averting their eyes at just the right moment, and I know they are the student I was as a freshman: the scared, closeted person aching to come out but not yet ready to make that terrifying first step.

And that's what it's all about for me. Making the world a safer place for my fellow queers. For those who can't fight the fight yet. For those who've lost the fight along the way. For the junior high student in California shot in the head because he started wearing makeup and dressing more effeminately. For his parents, who this week decided to donate his organs so that others might live where hate ended his life too soon. Nobody should have to make that decision because of hate.

I speak out because I can. It's safe for me to do so. Or rather, it's safeR for me to do so. I'm 6'4" and too many pounds, and no longer have to fear losing family or friends or jobs if I shoot my mouth off. There's still danger, as I paint a target on myself by telling a room full of strangers I like the boys! But it's a risk I take, because someone must.

Today's lesson: speak up or out about something if you can. Make the world a better place for someone else, just because it's the right thing to do. Create change. Open minds... even if it's your own.

The scariest man running...

2008-02-12T21:13:00.002-07:00

"I believe it is a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change to the word of the living God, and that’s what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it’s in God’s standards rather than change God’s standards." – Mike Huckabee - January 14, 2008

Apparently, Huckabee has decided not to campaign on the "Separation of Church and State" platform. I know, not really news, but this is one of the most frightening things I have ever heard a politician say publicly. Perhaps what is so frightening is that there is a large percentage of the U.S. population who not only agree, but would see nothing wrong with the statement.

Folks, if we follow the last 8 years of blunders, lies, and hatred with this nimrod, I'm burning down the house, quitting my job, and selling my car to buy a ticket to Holland. I'll live on my sister's couch before I go through this guy. I suppose I could live with McCain. I don't know that I care if it's Hillary or Obama, as long as we're done with Republican asshats. (Please note I am not stating all Republicans are asshats.)

Today's lesson: I will come and personally kick the ass of any of my friends who don't VOTE this year. I don't care who it's for, just flipping VOTE!

PS...did I mention I'll be wearing my size 14, 6-inch high heels when I kick your ass?

I laughed so hard a little pee came out...

2008-02-11T20:16:00.000-07:00

(2 points if you can tell me where the title comes from.)

I don't often post videos, but these gems are too good to pass up. Thanks to my office aide Janet for letting me know about the hi-larious bits of The Colbert Report I had missed. I watch The Daily Show on Comedy Central religiously, but only catch Colbert once in a while. I missed gay gold, kiddies! The first segments of his new bit "Better Know a Lobbyist" focused on the Executive Director of the Human Rights Campaign.

They are the largest GLBT political action committee in the country. While I don't always agree with their methods, philosophies, or strategies, I believe they do good work and accomplish a lot of good things. And their ED hit this interview out of the park. It does a GREAT job of showing just how ridiculous some anti-gay arguments have been in recent times. Tip of the hat to Colbert, as well!

It's 2 parts, and they're both worth it. I've embedded them below and hope you enjoy! (If YouTube pulls these specific links/uploads, just search for "Colbert" and "Lobbyist.")

It's official...

2008-02-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

...I think I might live. The new super-antibiotic seems to be kicking in nicely. I figured it would, since it involves taking one pill a day for only 7 days. Beefy, no? The steroid is also doing its job, as I'm not nearly as vertigo-y as I was. Sorry Uncle Freddy, this here homo isn't hell-bound just yet. ;) In other news...

I have a hawt date tonight with the Squid. Dinner and a movie, since theater tickets didn't pan out.
Tomorrow we're celebrating Maggie's birthday. There are rumors of sushi. I think by then all my taste buds and olfactory receptors will be functioning, and it will be a happy celebration of her aging and my recovery. She reportedly reads my blog, but is a dirty lurker. So I'm calling her out publicly. Heh.
I filed my taxes today, and 5 hours later got an email that Uncle Sam accepted my demands...er...paperwork. The refund should allow me to pay off the last of the medical bills...and hopefully fix the hot tub!
The Matthew Shepard Foundation's annual "Bear to Make A Difference" Dinner is coming up at the end of March. I've volunteered as a table captain again this year (as has Cory!), and my table is filling up nicely. Squidly and the O'Malleys will be with me, as will Jerry! Scotty and Craig are rumored to be interested in coming again this year too, so it should be quite the table of hooligans. If you're interested in coming, let me know. Tickets are $175, though $150 of that is tax deductible. :)
I've burned through too much sick leave in the last month to be able to deliver flowers on Villain-tine's Day this year. This saddens me greatly, but I'm gonna help out down at the shop after hours whenever I can. I still want to be able to claim being a gay florist one day out of the year!

That's about it for the Rainbow Kingdom update. Join us again soon for my next FAB-ulous rant or rave. Or both. ;)

Things I've learned while being sick

2008-02-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

It is true, the Squid is a carrier of plague. I don't hold it against her, though. ;) Here are some things I've learned while I was sick:

There are 6 episodes of Murder She Wrote on each weekday. I can watch 5 of them.
Cough syrup with codeine is a happy thing.
It doesn't take long before you've consumed enough orange juice that you don't ever want to drink it again. I reached that point after 1 gallon. I am almost done with gallon #4.
I am not a fan of the blanket NyQuil throws over my brain. I am a fan of the sleep I can get thanks to the Big Q.
My muscles ACHE from all the coughing.
I miss being able taste things.
It doesn't take long before you're tired of sitting upright so that you can breathe. Sleeping in this position is equally tiresome.

I am, however, getting better and expect to be at work tomorrow. And I still love the Squid. :) Thanks to all who have sent good wishes, delivered dinner (heart you Jess, get better soon!), or otherwise made me smile since contracting the plague. It means a lot!

My weekend has meaning!

2008-01-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

The Universe is telling me to recharge my gay batteries. Imagine my glee when I woke up today and discovered that I'm watching sports this weekend. I even called C in Denver to let him know, as I know he'd be proud. It's time to watch the National Championships, ladies and gentlemen. Of US Figure Skating!

If you didn't know I was THIS gay, you haven't been paying attention. This afternoon NBC is showing the pairs and dance freestyle finals. Tonight is the ladies freestyle. Tomorrow night, the men take the ice. Sponsored by Smuckers and ADT Home Security. I was trying to explain how exciting this is to Squid over IM, though I don't know that I gayed her up enough to care much. I even wrote her a quick poem:

Repeat after me class...
Toe loop, salchow, axel, lutz.
Camel spin, sit spin, don't be a putz.
Double, triple, then a quad.
Hot men in spandex with rockin' bods.

To learn more about figure skating jumps, click here. To follow the championships online, click here.

So why is that we gay men love figure skating? I can only speak for myself, but I remember watching skating with my mom. The Olympics were favorite times, as she and I got to spend time together. Watching the pageantry and elegance. The fantastic costumes and the intritcate choreography. Timed perfectly to all sorts of music. There was drama and tension. And there were stories.

In just one hour today, I've heard about skaters who have overcome lung cancer and watched the final couple in the pairs competion as he proposed...just after they finished skating and before they had their scores. They won the silver medal. I listened as they explained the couple who won today in their first appearance in the senior nationals, won last year in the first appearance in the junior nationals. No couple has ever done that. People skating with injuries. Examples of good sportsmanship. Overcoming incredible odds to be there. Dedicating a performance to someone who didn't live long enough to see it themselves.

There are records set, and sometimes perfection. But most of the time, it's the struggle for perfection. That's why Mom and I loved it so much. We related. We fall short, but sometimes...it's perfect and moving and beyond description. It's watching people create new things. Dick Button, the "old guy" who comments on skating most of the time, was the first person to land a triple jump in competition back in 1952. Kurt Browning, one of my favorite male skaters, landed the first quad in 1988.

They're amazing athletes, requiring gymnastic skill, flawless balance, impressive stamina, AND artistic ability. Performance and showmanship. Determination and pageantry.

So what's so hard to understand? It's about the essence of being a gay man. And there's men in tight clothing. And many of them are gay. And there are sequins. And hair stylists. And over the top makeup. Feathers. And people who can follow a beat. Yeah. TOTALLY GAY. And totally FABulous. This weekend I'll be watching TV with my mom. I'm sure she's still watching. She wouldn't let a little thing like death keep her from this mother - gay son bonding time, even if it wasn't okay that I was gay. Watching figure skating with her WAS.

Anyone wanna buy me a trip package to the Worlds in LA? ;) Oh...and C's response was "You're a mess."

And they're off...

2008-01-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

The semester is out of the gate, and off to a blazing start. Things are racing at a mile a minute, and it doesn't show signs of slowing. There are conferences to plan for March, presentations to make tomorrow, meetings to schedule...and that's just for PACMWA! Work is busy this time of year with schedule changes, interviews, and too much paperwork. Coming up soon we have birthdays, superbowls, and other such merriment. There's a house to get fixing on, and a hot tub to get fixed! So much to do, so little energy to do it...

Left foot, right foot...repeat as needed.

A dance down memory lane

2008-01-08T21:04:00.000-07:00

Pardon my long-windedness, but this post is worth reading, I promise. In fact, I ask that you read it as a personal favor to me.

So tonight I find myself at home crocheting and watching "Small Town Gay Bar," a documentary released in 2006 by Malcolm Ingram. (And produced by Kevin Smith, who just took yet another leap forward on my list of heroes.) It ran on Showtime - the reason I got satellite. It documents the history of 2 gay bars in northeastern Mississippi. There's a lot of it that is eerily familiar.

The first is in Shannon, MS (pop. 1657). My hometown was around 1400. The second is in Meridian, MS (pop. 39,968), birthplace of Fred Phelps. Phelps was interviewed, though he'd never heard of the bar in his own little stretch of downhome. It also describes a few others that didn't survive the test of time. Granted "Rumors" has only been in Shannon for about 8 or 9 years. "Different Seasons," the reincarnation of "Crossroads Estates" outside Meridian, has only been open again for about a year. Both bars are now run by former patrons, because they understood how desperately the areas needed an outlet for those who are different.

Their stories aren't easy. Or neat. Rumors went through a brutal anti-gay murder. If you haven't heard of Scotty Joe Weaver you should go to Google. The local townsfolk aren't exactly accepting of their queer neighbors, though the bars are left mostly alone. Now. Over the years, local Christian groups, law enforcement, and public officials have written down license plate numbers. Then read them over the radio and published them in newsletters. The worst problems have come from the American Family Association, which was started in 1977 by a preacher in Tupelo, MS. They now boast a nationwide network of over 400,000 supporters, and are one of the most formidable (and prolific) "moral authorities" in America today. In other words, I view them about as favorably as Fred Phelps, though their rhetoric isn't as vile (ar overt).

Yet despite everything the bar regulars had been through, they all agreed on one thing. In interview after interview. Without prompting, they described the people in the bar as "family." It's a word I've blogged about frequently, and explained to countless panels and classes. It's a word every GLBTQ person understands, as well as its importance. Even the straight folks in the video described the bars as a welcoming place where you could just be yourself. And how amazing that can be, especially in a place where it's not always possible.

SO many memories. I remember my first trip to a gay bar. At that time it was called Nightengales, and it was in an old converted doublewide trailer on the outskirts of Fort Collins. Then it became known as the Tornado Club. Then Club Static. Today it's closed. It was the only gay bar in the area, and it was a 60 to 90 minute drive to get there. Just like folks in Mississippi, who can drive 90 minutes to Memphis. It wasn't much to look at, but for the first time I had a place I didn't have to worry about what people would think. I could flirt with other guys. I could dance with drag queens, drink with lesbians, and just let my hair down.

We also took over a bar in Laramie (the Ice House/The Cowboy on Third/whatever it is this week) on Thursday nights, when Club Retro held "Alternative Night." The goths, freaks, and queers frolicked openly once a week. That night it was OUR bar. OUR home. OUR refuge. The folks clad in leather, spikes, piercings, and tattoos joined in the kick lines to "Come on Eileen." In one night we'd dance to "Bloodletting," "Dancing Queen," and "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)." We'd help carry in the CD's for our DJ friends, dance all night, close the bar at 2am, and then go see Carol. She was the late night waitress at Foster's Country Corner. We boycotted Shari's for being rude to our friends who couldn't always afford food, but Carol waited on the goth and gay freaks with a smile, selling 99 cent all-you-can-eat biscuits and gravy. I'd make it home around a little before 4am, take off my white grease paint, fatigue pants, and combat boots. Then be up for class at 9am.

I remember when Steph planted a chair in the middle of the dance floor and did a body shot from between Lisa's pleather-clad thighs for her birthday. You could have cut the sexual tension with a knife, and ALL the boys who liked girls were watching. I remember Lisa returning the favor for Steph's birthday. "Leather David" (as opposed to Blonde David and David with a Beard - yes, I still know their real names) happily played "pass the ice cube" with both Lisa and I. Little Craig usually won "who kisses better," due in part to his tongue ring. His wife Carolyn giggled when I'd swoon after a kiss. If I was having a bad day, Ian would physically pick me up, then MAKE me grab his near-perfect ass. And if a "normal" walked into the bar, they usually took one look inside and turned around. If they so much as looked at us funny, they were out on the street. Shadow, sometimes bouncer, sometimes DJ, sometimes bartender, would make me his infamous "Black Tulip" in my request for a drink that was "sweet and tasty but will fuck me up." DJ Chickie and her boyfriend DJ Steve would take turns spinning each week. Sam tried to be a club kid in a place where nobody even knew what that meant.

They were definitely a family, and there is no doubt in my mind that they saved my life. They kept me sane and let me know I wasn't the only one. They taught me it was okay to be different, and that it was also okay to express that difference. To let it out. To let go. To just BE. My size didn't matter. My orientation didn't matter. The fact that I blushed when sex was mentioned (just like our Squiddy) didn't matter. I was one of them. I was PART of them. And they were part of me. The bar was eventually sold, our regular DJ's moved away, and Alternative Night moved to the Parlor for a while, where little Craig started spinning under the name "DJ Darth." Dawnsie even created a drink called "The Big Gay Jim." That, too, eventually faded away, but every time I walk into one of those bars, even years later, I still smile and remember my family and the amazing times we had.

Those little refuges helped create the person and activist I am today. They taught me about acceptance...of myself and others. They taught me not to judge a book by it's cover, no matter how pierced or inked it is. They taught me that people who think they are SO different from one another have SO much in common. I'd like to think over the years I've paid that forward, perhaps several times over. We joke about my house being Laramie's gay bar. We've even named it Ruby Slippers. But isn't that because we don't have a space of our own. For a while, we even had the "real" Cowboy Bar, thanks to Kristen being both my office aide at IT and the manager of the bar. We held a freaking drag show under a banner for Skoal, after all! Those small town gay bars live inside my heart and my memory. The thought of them has me in tears now, just as the movie did.

Today's lesson: do everything you can to create "a small town gay bar" for someone - a sanctuary. Where people can be whoever in the hell they are. Where they can explore who they want to be without judgment. Or labels. Where all that matters is having fun and being true to yourself. Create it in your town, your living room, or your heart. And share it. And anywhere you're lucky enough to find such a place, cherish it. They are too few and far between. They save lives and rescue souls, though they are often the most simple, run-down, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants dives.

Today's homework: Take a moment to remember places like this from your past. And TELL SOMEONE ABOUT IT. Recount your memories to friends, family, or most importantly, someone who could use such a place, even if it doesn't exist anymore. They deserve to know that they're out there. Share them in the comments on my blog, if you like. And for those who sometimes visit Ruby Slippers, I'll keep the movie on the DVR for a while. And happily do my best to bore you to tears with tales of YesterLaramie. Our queer masquerade balls at the pyramid church on the prairie, DJ Chickie's most famous lines, the exploits of my first lesbian gal pal Lisa, or the most dismally attended Gay Awareness Week events ever held. The stories and struggles deserve to be told. And you deserve to know about those who came before. Who helped me in the ways I try to help others still today. I have photo albums, and bad poetry, and endless love in my heart.

Thanks to all who are now or ever have been a part of ALL my "small town gay bars."

Catholic Cardinal has me seeing red

2008-01-04T14:05:00.000-07:00

(Note: One of my goals for the blog this year is to do more to highlight queer news, and not just my own life and insights. This week has certainly given me something to start with!)
The top Catholic in England released a statement about the equality laws in England. One gem:

“Most parents do not want their children to be taught that marriage is no more than one lifestyle choice among many,” he said. “They do not want to expose their children to the risk of becoming promiscuous or indulging in drug and alcohol abuse.”

Because married people are never promiscuous or use drugs or alcohol?! I still cannot believe that in today's world people cannot move beyond the archaic stereotypes that all queer people sleep around and are pill-popping boozers. Sure, some of us will fall into those groups, but that's because of the people they are, not the fact that they aren't married or heterosexual. Marriage is not a magic bullet to cure all of society's ills. Get it through your heads, and get over it.

“It has taken us a long time to realize that if we cut down trees, use cars with highly leaded fuels and build factories with toxic emissions, we were gradually destroying the ecosystem within which we live and breathe,” he said. “Yet it is equally true that we are rapidly moving the very structures on which society is built and on which humanity depends; we are gradually destroying the ‘ecosystem’ that supports the family,” he added.

Wow. I suppose I should be happy that such an obviously conservative person admitted publicly that we've been hurting the environment. Since he's not actually a politician, I'm not. I'm also aghast that someone could compare being unmarried to being a planet-detroying carcinogen. I grew up in a married household until I was in 1st grade. My parents fought constantly, my father was controlling and abusive, and actually informed my sister and I that th divorce was our fault. Is this the "ecosystem" in which we want children to be raised?

After the divorce, my mother raised us in an essentially single-parent fashion. While not cannonically Catholic (and why should it be, since I was raised Lutheran?), my "ecosystem" taught me to be self-reliant and pro-active. It raised me to be moral, benevolent, kind, and generous. I was a straight A student, graduated #2 in my class, and finished my college coursework with a 3.592 GPA. I didn't get into fights in school, didn't do drugs or drink (until I was off to college), and was a pretty good kid, generally speaking.

Today we have blended families, divorced families, and single parents. We have test tube babies, adoption, foster parenting, and grandparent-headed-households. What harm does it do to mention this to kids? Why is it necessarily bad to ensure our schools are mentioning ALL types of families? Why can't we be honest about the way things are changing.

It doesn't harm the few remaining nuclear families that haven't (yet) gone into meltdown. It doesn't scar kids. It doesn't make them gay. It doesn't make them evil or deviant. Just ask the American Association of Social Workers, the American Pediatric Association, the AMA, either APA, and a whole host of other qualified, predominantly heterosexual professional associations or organizations. They might just know a thing or two.

The family unit does not look the same today as it did 200 years ago. You're not as likely to see grandparents or extended family members living with the family unit. This doesn't mean the family is being killed off like an endangered species in the path of a mini-mall development. It means that times change, and we're adapting to things as we go. 200 years ago, you also didn't see "press releases" from "the Church." Does that mean that it should revert back to the old ways, failing to move into today for the sake of a supposed golden yesteryear gone by?

Some parents don't want their children being taught that people with a different skin color are equal either, but it doesn't make it right. And thank goodness that somewhere along the line, someone started teaching kids that you shouldn't persecute Christians or throw them to the lions. Too bad this one doesn't want to return the favor.

Happy Holly-gays!

2008-01-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

I know, the holiday season is technically done, as evidenced by the lack of sleep I got on New Year's Eve. But I had a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I now have a nephew AND a niece in Holland - both of whom I've not yet met in person. I hate airfare. Work has been increasingly poopy for some time. I managed to get my scheduling done and survived the end of semester without a body count, but am still quite burned out on work. The weather was bad, many of my cronies were leaving town, and I was generally feeling blah about the holidays.

On the upside we managed to pull together most of the original flock, as NerdyGirl and MandyFish were both able to return to Laramie for a bit. Flock Hall was host to a late Holiday Party on the 28th, so on the 27th we spent a day shopping in Fort Collins. The weather was terrible and the roads iffy at best, but we managed to stay warm and have a good time. My carload continued south to pick up MandyFish from the airport, though the weather delayed her flight again and again. We also rescued a stranded Mark, as Greyhound had diverted his bus to Denver and then cancelled the bus to Laramie due to road conditions. I got to bed at 5am, though it was certainly worth it to see everyone again!

Most of us are quite familiar with the phrase "It's the thought that counts." It's often said with a grain of salt, or even dripping in sarcasm. It's a joke to some of us, or at least is used as such. When I was growing up Christmas often reminded me of what we didn't have, especially when answering the dreaded question, "what did you get for Christmas?" While my friends were enjoying a new Nintendo, designer clothes, a computer, their own TV, and large checks, I was opening socks, underwear, and some very meager presents. But it didn't matter, as the holiday spirit was ever-present and my mother always made sure it was a good Christmas.

Today I'm too old to get checks from the extended family, and my sister and I have an understanding about sending presents back and forth. It costs more to ship something than it does to buy it, so we refrain. It was another homemade holiday for me, and most of my friends got jewelry, cookies, or something I crocheted. By Christmas, there wasn't much under my invisble tree, and I was admittedly a bit blue about it. Then we had the Flock party.

I hadn't seen a tree with that many presents under it in a great long while, I assure you. By the time presents were passed out, we each had a modest stack in front of us. There wasn't really anything extravagant, as none of us are sitting on a gold mine and we have to make our pennies count. I was SO moved at the thought and effort that went into the gift-giving, though. A little trinket from the kitchen store, something that went with someone's hobby, etc. It didn't matter whether the gift was worth $2, it was quite specific to the person. We had a great meal, and the last of the group headed home around 2am.

As I drove home, I thought about that phrase. "It's the thought that counts." On our shopping trip, I'd seen it in action too. This person knew exactly what they were getting that person. That person saw the perfect little something. She needed help in distracting him so she could buy it and smuggle it to the gift wrapping area. "You can't go back there right now." "You should go over there for a little while?" "What am I going to get so-and-so?" "What do you WANT?" The value was in the love a gift represented, not the cost. We were also together as a family, and that was the best part of all.

In the end, it was a great holiday for me. I ended up with three times "the haul" I'd expected, and every single gift was thoughtful and dear. I got to see a few folks who have been gone and away for far too long. I was reminded that near or far, our various families are always with us. Most importantly, I felt loved and was able to give others that same warm feeling. What better gift - and lesson - is there?

Happy holidays to all, with ALL MY LOVE!

Homo For the Holidays

2007-12-21T08:35:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again. For some it's about presents. For some it's about their faith. For others it's about a magical time of year, and goodwill toward others. I admit this year I've found the Christmas spirit to be a bit...elusive. It's hard to be festive when you have bouts of intense pain. When you're sick of your job. When you can't play Auntie face-to-face because of distance and obscene airfare. When you can't afford to do the holiday the way you'd like.

Don't get me wrong: There is a great deal that I am very much looking forward to over this break. Not having to wake up and go to work will be GREAT. Spending lots of time with the puppies. Making fires. Making LOTS of Christmas presents. Catching up on movies I didn't see while having a glass of wine and crocheting or making jewelry.

The holidays have always been about family to me, though. This is my 5th Christmas without Mom, and that's still a bit tough at times. This year, we made the old family cookie recipes, though, and it was SO nice to have a cookie decorating party again. MandyFish and NerdyGirl will be here in Laramie. Together. For the first time in a LONG time. And from the sounds of it, we could have one of the largest flock gatherings/homecomings/happenings ever. I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing everyone again.

Holidays with Mom were about love and support. "If one of your friends can't make it home, you make damned sure you bring them along. I just need a few hours notice so I can make sure there's enough dinner." And there were Thanksgivings and Christmases and Easters and others where someone would be pulled along. Sometimes they were reluctant at first, but by the time they left they were giving Mom a big hug at the door. They also usually had a plate or tub of leftover something tucked under their arm, so there was a bit of home-cooked goodness to ease us back into reality. We'd put people on the couch or air matress, as the mobile home didn't have a guest room when both kids are home. Mom used to tell potential guests "It's anything but the Ritz Carlton, but there's space to sleep, food to eat, and you're welcome to share anything we've got." She even kept spare stocking stuffer presents, just in case. Because nobody should have to do a holiday without at least one present to open.

Those who've been to Ruby Slippers (my house) might find this attitude familiar. At least, I sure as hell hope they do! We didn't have much growing up. Dirt poor, some might say. But we always had ENOUGH, and made sure to share what there was. I try to do the same thing today. "Sure, you can have some of that." "Yes, bring them!" "Let me make sure I have enough food." "So glad to see you."

Today's lesson: It's not about carols, cookies, or cards. It's not about gifts, getting, or garland. Most of my friends have a LOT of big stuff going on in their lives, and a lot of it is not GOOD big stuff. At this time of year, try to focus on the fact that you have a chance to spend time with someone. To talk with them. When coping with the stress that families bring on, remember that we're all human beings. Nothing else should matter. Be thankful for gifts the universe has given and mindful of those around you. Don't focus on your own problems, and don't focus on the flaws of others. Focus on the good times you've had and laughter you've shared. Remember the times they were there for you. When you think about those things, it's hard not offer every inch of floor space and the last cracker in the pantry. And isn't THAT what the holidays are supposed to be about?

Subscribe to the Wonderful!

2007-12-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

Today's post is brought to you by a special guest...Flynn. Apparently the 402 times I went into my blog after someone whined at me "You need an RSS feed" weren't enough. As I've told y'all often, I turned the blasted thing on and off, reset it, configured it, and mucked around until I was blue in the face. Besides...you can suck it up and follow links to read blogs like the rest of us. That said, Flynn had me log into my blog and he played while the rest of us worked on cookies. Of course, he then installed a new browser on my laptop and set it to default. So y'all better appreciate this, because I'm not likely to let people touch anything unattended again! ;)

Visitors rejoice! You can now subscribe to Jim's blog!
It only took a little hackery, but I persevered, and now you can find a handy-dandy "Subscribe" button above our beloved Diva's picture.

Also, you can click here:

[Flynn Out]

P.S. The link will add Jim to your default RSS reader, be it Google, FireFox, Outlook [shudder], or whtaever other backwards program you use... ... Get Google!

Live, on location

2007-12-04T20:41:00.000-07:00

Hello, this is Big Gay Jim reporting live from the lobby of the Fine Arts Building, where I'm staffing a Spectrum table during the opening night of "The 'M' Word." I had a chance to see the final dress rehearsal last night, so I'm manning the lobby tonight. Maximus was here before the show, but had to run off to work on a paper or some silly school-related thing like that. The show's decent, but it doesn't seem like a very full house tonight. I could be wrong, as I've not sat in the lobby before. ;) While I have a few nanoseconds to spare, I wanted to give the regular readers a few news updates:

Work is busy right now, as it's time for final papers and stressed out students. I'm creating schedules for my employees at work, and PACMWA grant proposals are due tomorrow at noon. This is my way of saying "Sorry if you don't see me this week, or hear from me. It's not personal. Cope." ;)
I did NOT tear my rotator cuff. It was a sprain with a possible sublexation. This means an almost-dislocation. Think hyper-extension with lots of pain. Prescription: ice, 2 weeks limited activity, and over-the-counter ibuprofen (LAME!).
My nephew has arrived! Alexander Damien Gerritsen was born at 6:37am (Holland time) on December 3. My sister was in labor for 6.5 hours to deliver the 8 lb. 8 oz. baby, who was 20.5 inches long. Nothing compared to the 20 hours she was in labor the first time. She was home 4 hours after delivery! Everyone is healthy, happy, and Ella is already trying to share her cookies with her new baby brother.
Reese is getting around under his own power for the most part. I'm still limiting his activity to protect his back legs and feet from damage. He's not walking, as he doesn't quite plant his feet correctly all the time. If he's slow and thinks about it, he's fine. Reese is rarely slow, so he does a lot of tipping over and dragging his hind end around a turn that may or many not have been there. He continues to improve, and I'm not certain he'll even need to use a cart or other similar device. If I can convince him to wear some booties to prevent the sores on his legs while he learns to walk (and run?) again, we might be good to go!

It's a busy time of year. MandyFish got married, Squid turned 21, and Jack Frost is back with a score to settle. Today's lesson: take everything one step at a time, and take two deep breaths before freaking out. I, too, have a shitload of stuff to get done and meetings or appointments to juggle. We can all make it, but need to give each other some extra space time, as tempers are running rampant.

Inhale...exhale. Repeat as needed.

Tired of being broken...and World AIDS Day

2007-11-29T15:26:00.000-07:00

So the herniated disc in my back wasn't enough. Reese being partially paralyzed wasn't enough. I am apparently supposed to remain broken for now. I have managed to do SOMETHING to my shoulder. I went to the NP today and she agrees that it sounds like an injury to the rotator cuff. Today doesn't hurt as bad as yesterday did, but I am still wearing a sling. I have an appointment with the ortho tomorrow at 7:30am (EW!) so I'll know what the scoop is after that. I hope. I'm also hoping that it's a pull, strain, sprain, etc. A full tear or other injury would be much worse. I'm hoping that time, rest, some pain meds, and some PT might save me from a painful and costly surgery. Keep your fingers crossed.

In other news, World AIDS Day is Saturday, December 1. Educate yourself. Get tested. DO SOMETHING! For those here in Laramie, we will once again be doing Dining Out For Life. Sweet Melissa's is again the only Laramie restaurant participating, but if you're hungry this Saturday, please think about eating there. They will donate a percentage of their profits to Wyoming AIDS Walk. There are also some Casper restaurants participating, but I don't have a final list of those (Casper was someone else's job!). In the meantime, a friend of mine sent me a fun link to a video.

It's a safe sex ad from India, Baliwood style. How can you go wrong with men dressed as colorful condoms singing and dancing? I also figured I'd post a Baliwood link in honor of MandyFish. For those who don't frequent her blog, she's getting married Saturday in Vegas, and is a confirmed Baliwood addict. So it's a link about AIDS in honor of World AIDS Day, but done in a style in honor of the Pink Princess, and my Grace. Ooo...this Will is getting a long-distance Leo!

PS...For those asking, my sister is now 7 days overdue with baby #2. I have filed all the necessary complaint forms with the management. I have recommended spicy foods, walks, and trampolines. My brother-in-law offered lots of vigorous sex to my sister, but I couldn't support that option. She's still my sister, and....EW! My sister continues to blame the baby, saying it's up to Squirt, not Mom.

Things for which I am thankful...

2007-11-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

I wanted to do an unconventional list, so some of these might sound odd at first. If you have questions, let me know in my comments. Also, please share some of your own!

My friends and family - living and dead, near and far

The pain I went through in the closet - it made me who I am today

The ongoing pain of Matt's death - it still motivates me to make the world better

Seeing my mother die - I was there when she needed me, and I don't fear it as I once did

Seeing Scotty near death - it reminded me that time is precious, and family even more so

A job I no longer want - it's shown me that passion and profession should always be connected and must sometimes evolve together

Various injuries and ailments - they've taught me to slow down and take time for myself

Friends who let me down - they taught me to forgive more and judge less

Failed relationships - whether mine or someone else's, they've taught me patience and perspective

Growing up dirt poor - I learned to make do with less and appreciate what I have

The future - it's nothing but possibility

What will you give thanks for, and what would you not normally be thankful for that you perhaps should?

From my archives

2007-11-07T11:02:00.001-07:00

This weekend I went digging through some of my old writings. This piece is one from that archive. In October I remember Matt's murder, and November is Transgender Remembrance Month, so I offer this as a testament to those we've lost. And for all those would-be plagiarists out there, all rights reserved!

LOST SOULS

Remember. Remember them all. Never let the names lose their meaning. Never let the faces lose their importance. For they are not just victims. They are not simply images to call up when discussing politics. They are people - people with lives, rich and full. They are brothers and sisters, neighbors, cousins, parents, and children. They are teachers and students, clergy, bankers, activists, and citizens. They are souls - and are more than the sum total of their sexual orientation or gender identity, even though many choose to define them in this manner. They leave behind family and friends who knew and loved them. They leave behind those who never met them but still grieve their absence nevertheless. It is unspeakably important that we remember and that we help others remember as well. For when we stop remembering them, we stop learning from their deaths. We begin to forget why we cared, why we ached. The pain can dull - that is as it should be. We could not go on if it did not lessen. But the memory must stay - forever etched into our lives and carved into our very souls. We must remember so that those who come after us - those who perhaps don't know their names, their stories - can learn from them as well. So that their lives are celebrated. Holding tightly to their memory will NOT bring them back - that has never been in question. But honoring them gives them a new life - perhaps one worth as much as their first. A life that teaches and touches hearts. One that creates a new understanding - a new hope. Let their lives and their stories remind us of what we have overcome, for our accomplishments are also spoken in their lives. As we remember patriots and poets long since gone, so should we remember their existence - their place in the world and in history. Remember them honestly. Remember them always - they are worth at LEAST that.

Taking risks

2007-11-04T00:54:00.001-06:00

As most of my readers know, this weekend I've been working with a friend from Chicago (Greg's link is on the right!) on a video project. Through him, I've made new friends from New York (Ryan and Jenn are AWESOME), and through them a new friend from Nebraska (Lisa is a hoot). It's already been an incredibly powerful weekend. I reached out to some of my friends...some of my FAMILY...and asked for their help. There was a lot of risk involved for everyone.

Greg, Ryan, and Jenn are putting a fair amount of their own money behind the project. I'm not in a financial position to help out with that right now. They've had some success with donations from their friends and family, but they're still fronting a chunk of change. They got on planes and came to a strange place to interview people they had not met, relying only on my word that these were the people who would add to our story. Relying on Greg and I that there WAS a story, and one that people would be interested in, or that would make a difference.

My friends relied on my word that these outsiders were trustworthy. That they were safe opening up in front of a camera, and that they would not be burned as they had in the past. Relying on my word that they really did have something to contribute, and that their voice was important and valuable. That they had something to add to what we were trying to do, though they didn't necessarily even know what that was.

I encouraged. I begged. I twisted arms, called in favors, and begged for trust. And I got it. In spades. And magic has already been happening. After one and a half LONG days of planning and shooting, we have another LONG day remaining. I know it will be even more powerful. I have faith. The very core of my being tells me that the Universe (and Matt, too) are pulling this together, and that everything is happening for a reason. The big picture is revealing itself slowly, but we're pressing on...trusting. Trusting each other, trusting the Universe, and trusting that good intentions and open minds will lead us to the right path.

Greg, Ryan, and Jenn have been awed by the things they've already heard, witnessed, filmed, and experienced. They didn't know what to ask the Squid, but were dumbstruck after her interview...which ran much longer than any of us expected. As she left, they commented "label that tape as 'golden'". To be honest, I think they were surprised by what they learned from an almost-21-year-old.

Jackie was reluctant to be interviewed because she hasn't been as involved recently as she once was. She was surprised to learn how interested we were in what she HAD done, not just what she WAS doing. I wonder what surprises tomorrow will bring?

The bottom line is that I don't take all this trust lightly, and I am truly humbled by it. My Laramie family trusted me that I wasn't offering them up to wolves. My "film family" trusted me that I knew where the story was, and who to talk to. That's a lot of trust...in me. Some part of me is scared by that. But I KNOW I'm right. Not because my head tells me so, though it does. Because my HEART tells me so. Because there have been too many "coincidences" that have proven US right. The waiter at the restaurant. The work study student in the RRC. The couples waving as we filmed at the fence. This was meant to happen. It was meant to include these people. It was meant to happen here, and now. And it was meant to happen in just this way. I can't wait to see what the next step might be.

And I pause, at 1:30am (well, soon to be 12:30am), to thank my friends for trusting me. I know that it means I have done something in the past to earn that trust, but I still respect the risks taken by people who mean the world to me. I am humbled by their trust in me, and by their willingness to open their hearts to strangers...with cameras. I will honor your risks, and focus our intent.

Today's lesson: It is not only important to take risks with and for those we trust and care about...it is also equally important to recognize the risks they take for us in return.

Welcome to the family, Albus

2007-10-25T23:10:00.000-06:00

So JK Rowling has officially outted Dumbledore. Nonchalantly. In Carnegie Hall. Some conservative wankers have raised a stink about how he's supposed to be a moral role model for children. Funnist thing, but the text of the books hasn't changed. He still is! Many of these people are the same who had raised about the books from the start, claiming that they were occult and promoted witchcraft. Hogwarts hogwash!

Most of the response has been supportive, though. Some have asked why she didn't include it from the start. She's been accused of trying to utilize free publicity to increase sales of her books. Well that doesn't seem likely, given that ultra conservatives are likely to step up their boycott efforts, and alienate a segment of less conservative folks with a hot button issue.

I'm all for it. And I love the fact that she'd known Hogwart's Headmaster was gay for some time. It wasn't a big deal. Being gay is a PART of who he is. And not necessarily the most important part. He loved. Not lusted. The revelation wasn't salacious. It was matter-of-fact. And isn't that the way it should be? Being gay might have influenced his character, but he's a good person, role model, teacher, and person. And that's all that matters. His heart and mind. His soul. Gay or straight. Humanity. I can't wait until everyone thinks that way.

Granted it will be a LONG time. Meanwhile, we can all enjoy watching the vein on Bill O'Reilly's forehead bulge out while he rants about it. Or Phelps condemn Rowling. Maybe he'll say Dumbledore's death was God's punishment. Either way, it should make for entertaining bigotry.

Some Days Are Like That

2007-10-23T13:45:00.000-06:00

An emotional rollercoaster, that is. As most of my regular readers know, I had to take one of my puppies, Reese, to the vet yesterday. He hurt his back a few days ago, as dachshunds often do, but didn't show any signs until he couldn't use his back legs. While dragging his back legs behind him, he looked a bit like a seal; it would have been adorable if I hadn't been so terrified. He's still at the vet on 3 days of IV fluids and steroids in the hopes he regains some feeling and mobility in his hind legs.

Needless to say, I was an emotional mess and more than a little bit of a train wreck. Parenthood is easy when things are going well, but trouble makes it so much more complicated. I had several meetings and appointments scheduled for the day that I couldn't cancel, though I didn't really want to be doing anything other than worrying and stressing.

My first appointment was one that could not be missed. Yesterday was Teacher In-Service at the high school, and we were asked to do a one-hour modified SafeZone Session for the teachers and staff. We did a full session 7 or 8 years ago, but the principal at the time was nervous enough that he didn't want it to be held on school grounds. So we did the session in the Union and 12 people, including said principal, showed up.

This time we met in a classroom and 31 people attended, including the advisors for the school's Gay Straight Alliance. The sponsor for "The Day of Truth," the conservative anti-gay response to GLSEN's Day of Silence, was also there. The session went VERY well, and I heard nothing but thank you's from the attendees. (No comment from the "other side of the fence.") It did my heart SO much good to make a difference and touch the hearts and minds of teachers who will in turn be there for students. Maybe it will make things easier for a kid down the road, and he or she won't have to go through what so many of us did while growing up queer.

My second meeting was PACMWA (President's Advisory Council for Minority and Women's Affairs), which I'm chairing this year. We've been struggling to find a common meeting time, haven't met for a few weeks, and had pressing business. Namely, planning for a Diversity Summit. It was a very productive meeting, and even though half of the committee couldn't attend, we made great headway on planning, as well as a few other issues. It, too, did my heart good.

The rollercoaster continued with a visit to see Reese at the vet's, which was an odd mixture of difficulty and catharsis. That was followed by a double header in the volleyball tournament. The physical activity was exhausting, but helped me purge a great deal of angst and frustration. Hitting things can be happy, and volleyballs don't press charges like people might.

Today's lesson: life has a lot of ups and downs, twists and turns, whether they come in one day, one week, or one year. It's important to remember that there are bright spots in addition to the dark days. Try to remain focused on that; it helps get you through the rough spots.

Oh...and Reese is showing signs of improvement. Keep your fingers crossed. The next post? Dumbledore is gay!

November Three Seven Five Delta Sierra

2007-10-18T14:39:00.000-06:00

"90 miles from Cuba." You can buy signs anywhere in Key West that say that. It's because it's true. On my recent trip to Orlando for a work conference, my friend Jace, who just happens to be a pilot, had reserved a single prop plane for a side trip to Key West. He offered to take me along, and I told him I'd buy his food, booze, and hotel in return. After all, the plane was over $700. Lodging and all the liquor we could drink was the least I could do.

You know you're in the world of Jimmy Buffett when you land and the control tower tells you to take taxi way "Niner" to the hanger, adding "It's the one that's NOT flooded." We called for a cab, and an aging hippy who reminded me (in only the slightest way) of George Carlin pulled up and asked us where we were going. I answered "we need a place to stay." After clarifying that we did not have a reservation anywhere, he said "Cool. I assume you want to stay downtown, near Duvall Street?" We said "Hell yes" and were off.

The first place we stopped was the Blue Marlin, and they had a room available for a decent rate. It was only two blocks from Duvall Street, which is Key West's version of Bourbon Street. We dropped our minimal luggage, threw on fresh clothes, and head out for a night of infamy. We stopped at the first restaurant that caught our eye, a place called Crabby Dick's. The first thing to order was a cocktail, and I was debating what I wanted. When Jace said "Pina Colada" I realized there was no other possible order. We had three each with dinner, which consisted of conch fritters (thanks for the recommendation, Jerry!), ahi tuna, Gulf shrimp, and scallops. Yes, we went a bit wild with dinner, but it was SO worth it.

After dinner we set out on our primary mission: get drunk and have a night of pure fun. In Key West, there is a law against open containers. They don't take it seriously, as every block had at least one cocktail stand without seating...just the way I remembered New Orleans. We went from one drink to another, focusing on rum. We staggered through the city, drinks in hand, right past police. As our waiter had told us, as long as you're not being an ass or causing problems, they don't care about open containers.

We found good music, amazing art, and rainbow flags everywhere. We went past at least four bars that were doing drag shows. Nightly. It would seem a good way to get rich quick would be to open a scooter store, as everyone was buzzing around on a Vespa or other scooter. Pizza delivery was done on scooters. At the end of our evening, we staggered home, and eventually found our hotel. It was warm and sticky outside, so Jace peeled down to his boxers, jumped the fence around our hotel's pool, and dove in for a quick cool down dip.

The next morning we cleaned up and called for a cab, as I had to be back in Orlando by 1 for a conference session. Our driver this time was a former stripper who had danced in 49 states. Hawaii is the one she'd missed, and in Wyoming she had danced at this club in Cheyenne known as The Green Door. It really is a small world sometimes. It seems most everyone we ran into who lived on the island had the same story. "I came here on vacation and never left." Our waiter had missed his flight. He didn't bother to find a new one. The stripper used to summer in Alaska and winter in the Keys. She stopped flying out for the north.

Both Jace and I understood the sentiment. It was a simpler life. Time and schedules meant little. Spontaneity was rewarded with hidden secrets, local hangouts, people willing to share or help out. Tropical paradise, cliche as it might sound, is a fairly apt description. The title of this post was our radio call sign in the single prop plane. Today's lesson: do something without a plan. Just drop everything and go. Go out on the town, start a road trip, or book a ticket to someplace you've never been but always wanted to see. Say "Fuck it." And live! I agree with Queen Latifah: "I'm Gonna Live 'til I Die."

Too many topics!

2007-10-11T17:35:00.000-06:00

I'm back from my conference trip to Florida, and there are so many things I want to write about. I have a post about Key West, and how I want to go back for at least a week so I can channel Jimmy Buffett. I have a post about Disney and getting in touch with your inner child. I have a post about common courtesy, especially as it relates to traveling. And then there's a post about the guy I met. Fear not, faithful readers, as these posts will be forthcoming. But there's a post that must come first.

Today, October 11th, is National Coming Out Day. I always try to take a moment on this date to ponder the person I once was and who I have become since I came out of the closet. I have now been out of the closet longer than I was in it. I realized the other day while sitting on a panel, and it's an odd feeling, to be sure. I'm so much happier now than I was when I was still living the lie. I feel I've made a diffence, and am happy about who I have become.

I ponder a vision of the future, when the countless people who live in fear of their lives because they love someone of the same sex can be honest about who they are. A world where all can marry, and children are protected no matter what shape, size, color, or chromosomal makeup their family might have. That vision of tomorrow gives me hope, and that hope makes me work even harder today.

And today I always take a moment to mourn. Tomorrow will be another anniversary. At 12:53am on October 12th, Matt died in a Fort Collins hospital. UW President Phil Dubois called to tell me around 5 am. I will cry. I will think about the pain and struggle over the last 9 years. I will think about positive change and discussion over that same period.

I will, once again, renew a promise I made 9 years ago. I will keep pushing. Keep working. Keep speaking. Doing. Fighting. Helping. Teaching. Living. I remember you today, Matt. And tomorrow. And the day after that. And each day after.

Inclusion

2007-10-03T11:47:00.000-06:00

There's been a lot in the news lately about the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, or ENDA. This is not the first time it's been taken to Congress. The first version of this iteration of the bill included protection for gender identity as well as sexual orientation. Democratic leadership then worked to revise the bill, removing gender identity because they didn't they could get it passed if it was included. There was an immediate and resounding outcry about the removal. It raises a very difficult question: do we include gender variance and risk not passing the law AGAIN, or do we work for what might be attainable now and keep coming back until everyone is included?

It's not a simple question, and there are some well-reasoned arguments on both sides. My initial reaction was that any step forward is SOMETHING, and that no struggle for equality has happened all at once. But I also know that gender identity is often forgotten, is less visible, and treated as more "fringe." But isn't providing protection for 80% of a community better that protection for none? It's a tough one, isn't it?

If nothing else, the debate has shown that the queer community can organize well and quickly, almost rivaling the grassroots machine that is conservative Christianity. Every member of the House received a letter signed by 90 different groups, asking that they consider the bill in its original, inclusive form. Over 200 churches - yes, I said churches - organized to have their members flood phone lines in support of inclusion. It's nothing if not impressive.

The more I listened to the discussions, debates, criticism, complaints, anger, and hope, the more I felt conflicted. Make no mistake: I firmly believe that gender identity should be protected in our country just as much as sexual orientation. Period. End of story. I think that if you're a good employee, you should not be fired for any "essential characteristic." Then I heard a very simple comparison. What would we have said if the civil rights movement had worked for rights for African Americans but not Asians? Or if a compromise were made so that light-skinned minorities were protected but dark-skinned people weren't?

It became very clear that if we're not working for equality for EVERYONE, we're not really working for equality. We might not be successful in getting it passed. But that doesn't mean we should try for anything less than what is right. Perhaps we could obtain employment protection for GLB people if we took gender identity out of the bill. But wouldn't that "victory" feel hollow if everyone in the queer community didn't have the same protection? Wouldn't we be hypocritical if we didn't do everything we can to include EVERYONE? If Congress wants to strip gender out of the bill, let them. But not without a fight...for fairness.

And then I cried...

2007-09-27T10:16:00.000-06:00

This JUST in: the US Senate just passed the Matthew Shepard Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act. The House passed it with an overwhelming majority on May 3rd. It's not a done deal, and still has to go to Bush's desk...but I'm so happy all I can do is cry. It's been almost 9 years. See...there is hope!

Click here to see more info from the Matthew Shepard Foundation's press release.

My Big Gay Interview

2007-09-23T11:30:00.000-06:00

The questions come compliments of Nerdy Girl.

1. What stereotype about "teh Gays" sets your Queen heart a flamin' with righteous indignation the worst? (And while that might sound like I'm asking about heartburn, I'm not...)
Yikes, that's a tough one, as any of them can up the fuego on my already-stoked pilot light. I suppose that what gets me most is the assumption that we have some sort of unified agenda to destroy family values and obtain "special rights." I just want the same thing to which my straight friends are entitled - putting my partner on my health insurance, the visiting them in the hospital, the ability to leave my estate to a partner without higher taxes, the right to live "miserably ever after," to have kids, etc. The list is not short, but full equality under the law sure would fix that. And how does participating in an institution like marriage, family (values), etc. a plot to destroy it?

2. Ninjas vs. Pirates. Who are you rooting for and why?
When I was a kid I always dreamed about being a ninja. I'd watch movies like The Karate Kid or anything with Chuck Norris, largely because I wanted the skills to smack down the bullies I lived with throughout school. I even wore a ninja costume one year for Halloween. That being said, today I still enjoy a hot muscled man using his best moves to block, punch, and kick their way to victory...but pirates are MUCH hotter these days. ;)

3. What do you think is an under-appreciated / under-discussed challenge for the queer community to address?
Something I call "The Oppression Olympics." It's the systemic way in which minority groups are often pitted against one another under the excuse of "limited resources." "If your group wants to have a speaker or event, you must compete against this group AND that group for money and support." What if the three of us pooled our energy and found common ground, then an event or speaker that worked for all of us. Suddenly, we not only have more power and influence to get two or three events, we also heal a rift between groups. We also start to gain as much power as the majority, and that's why we're supposed to fight between ourselves: so we don't see all that we could do together.

4. You have been given six million dollars, with the condition that you must not spend it on yourself. What do you do with it?
Like I haven't been planning this for a while. ;) Buy a plane, hire Jace as a personal pilot. Then my friends would all have debt paid off, houses and cars paid for, and travel around the world doing and seeing new things. If they HAPPENED to bring along their generous benefactor, that would be okay too. After all, how I can say no to what my friends want, when the point is to make them happy!

5. How's the firespinning coming along?
Well enough that I bought a set of actual fire poi! I've recently injured my back and haven't been able to spin for a while, but I believe I'm good enough to light 'em up once I'm back in shape (and have had several others say the same). I have to watch the fire safety video and train a support crew. I have to find a reasonably safe venue so I don't set half the world on fire. I have to find someone with a video camera. But soon...soon there shall be video of actual fire.

If you'd like me to ask you 5 questions for your blog, let me know in my comments.

Shine, bitches! ;)

2007-09-11T12:47:00.000-06:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? [...] And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

Where will you be five years ago?

2007-09-06T20:54:00.000-06:00

In an unplanned twist of continuity with my last post, I found myself thinking back. I was at the groundbreaking ceremony for the new IT building on campus. The rain clouds threatened to turn the groundbreaking into a mud wrestling match, but the familiar Wyoming wind was working overtime to blow it away. Our VP of IT was giving a little speech about where we were with technology just five or ten years ago. He said sometihng to the effect of "I'm sure none of us would have seen ourselves where we are today."

And he was right...about technology and more. But it made me realize we usually ask ourselves where will I be...in 5, 10, etc. years. How often do we stop to think about where we were...5, 10, etc. years ago? 5 years ago I was starting the semester after spending the summer going back and forth to clear the house and close Mom's estate. Really? Five years ago? 10 years ago I was a junior in college, a member of the student group, and had found a group of amazing Bohemian friends...largely because I had been out for almost two years.

Then I thought about what I didn't know was right around the corner at each of those moments. When I was out for two years, I thought I'd be teaching English somewhere in Wyoming. I didn't know I was about to take over the student group and be thrust in front of a sea of cameras and into a lifetime of activism. When I was talking to my mother after the first press conference, I didn't know that I would lose her sooner than I'd ever feared.

Where were you on September 10th? I was at the hospital visiting Laurel, who had just given birth to her first of two (so far) daughters. I certainly didn't know what the next morning would mean to the rest of my life. We have plans, but never know when something will happen to someone we know, or something happens that changes everyone. We can't plan for everything, of course, and obsessing over what is around the corner could drive you mad.

My hyper-gay, Broadway-soaked brain sends me to Rent, singing "No Day But Today" and cherishing the created families and memories embodied in 525,600 minutes...decade after decade. I've flown into Laramie on the same plane as Anthony Rapp, for pity's sake! I've met people, been places, and done things I've never dreamed of. And though there are things I might wish were different, I have to say on the whole...it's been a helluva ride!

And that's when it hits me...at 29 (for the 4th time), I've got a LONG way to go. Oh the places we'll go! When I'm 60, what will I be looking back on? Not where will I be, but where will I have been? It's an exciting thought!

So...where WERE you? Back then, where did you think you'd be? What didn't you see coming?

Anniversaries...

2007-08-28T18:21:00.000-06:00

While I wait for NerdyGirl to comment me some questions, I thought I'd share...a thought. Er...yeah.

So while watching TV tonight, I caught a commercial (rare, because I have DVR and don't watching commercials often). Apparently several channels, especially anything with BBC in or near its name, are running memorial specials. It's been 10 years since Princess Diana was killed in a car accident. It made me remember where I was when it happened.

A friend in Denver, Dusty, was hosting a gay dinner party for Labor Day. We were watching odd movies, and making bitchy comments. Sort of a gay version of MST3K. When we finished watching Poltergeist, we stopped to rewind the VHS tape. That's when we saw the news. A room full of gay men, well fed, liquored up, and all riled up over our own senses of humor. And Di was dead. The mood changed quickly.

My commentary today is not focused on Diana, or even moments of tragedy. It's about memorable moments in general. What makes something memorable? We remember so many things clearly. Things we'll never forget. Our first kiss. Our first date. Our first...time. And yet so many things are trivial to us. What tells us that a moment is special? Is it instinct? Perhaps a biochemical response? "There is an abnormally high level of dopamine present. We are very happy. Take a picture, brain." Or is it something more subjective? That we choose the moments to remember based on an established criteria. Only those events that cause us signficant psychological response in either direction can be remembered, as they elicit the strongest stimuli. That seems quasi-Freudian in a way, and we DON'T want that.

It's just my musing this evening. Leave me a comment and tell me what you think causes you to remember something. An anniversary, milestone, or particular stimulus.

Jim's 4th annual 29th birthday

2007-08-22T12:37:00.000-06:00

Who: The people who make my life worth living, including you!

What: I never turned 30. Last year, my friend Mary gave me the cute term "thirty-wonderful," and I could live that. This year, I'm going back to being 29. And there are plans for birthday shenanigans!

When: Saturday, August 25th, beginning at 8pm(ish) and ending when the last person collapses. ;)

Where: Downtown Laramie (for starters). Let's meet at the Alibi for a drink or two. We'll start bar-hopping from there! At around 11ish, we'll head back to my place for "drunken sing-a-long karaoke." The Library bar was supposed to karaoke, but they're not cooperating with my master plan. So the night owls and the adventurous can go back to "Ruby Slippers" (aka my house) for a sing-a-long karaoke fest. I may not have my own karaoke machine, but I have CD's, surround sound, and no shame!

Why: It's not every day I turn 29 (though it IS every year now). And it's a last hurrah before school starts. Do you really need an excuse?

Other details:

Gifts are welcome, but certainly not required. Having a chance to see my friends and adopted families before all hell breaks loose at work is a gift in and of itself!

If you're not sure where to find us, call me. I'll be happy to tell you where to go. *smirk*

If you don't know where my house is, let me know and I'll send you directions.

You don't HAVE to bring anything to karaoke, but if you have a particular type of munchie or adult beverage you can't live without, you might want to bring it along. You're welcome to what I have, but no fair whining if I don't have your craving. ;)

No, you are not required to be there for EVERYTHING. That's why the evening is in stages...so those with a life, kids, or a curfew can duck out at any point. I won't hold it against you...unless you ask really nicely.

No, you are not required to sing if you come to "karaoke."

Yes, you can invite someone. Work is already crazy for me, and the odds are that I forgot to invite someone important.
Any questions? Give me a call, email me, MySpace me, Connexion me, etc.

Big Gay Jim...Unplugged

2007-08-20T15:24:00.001-06:00

This weekend I had an invitation to go "camping" up in the mountains. A friend has a cabin up there with electricity, running water, etc. I was tentative about the trip at first. I've been having back spasms for a while, and the thought of "camping" with a bad back isn't thrilling. I also worried that with the impending birthday, I should be responsibile and clean the house, etc. In other words, I was listing all the reasons NOT to go. Fortunately, my friends are good salesfolk.

We set off late Friday night and came back Sunday afternoon. I didn't have to drive. I didn't have to buy food. I had a bed to sleep in. I was in good company. We had an amazingly fun weekend, and went over to Saratoga for a dip in the hot springs. That felt SOOOOO good on my back. It was eight shades of relaxing, and was just what the doctor ordered before a week of sure hell at work.

When heading up the mountain, I made a show of turning off my cell phone. "Look everyone...I am officially on vacation." And it felt SO good. I didn't have to worry about work calling me. I didn't have to worry about calling someone back before they went to bed. I didn't have to WORRY. No TV. No video games. Our only tech indulgences were a fridge and a stereo system. Wood burning stove even!

I fully recommend this to everyone. Turn off your digi-life for a while. While I live and die by the computer, cell phone, and DVR, it's nice to be without them for a while. Be safe and sane about it, though. People knew where we were. We had phones available in case of emergency. If you turn off and check out, you should do the same. Otherwise, drop out for a day or two.

My heart runneth over

2007-08-13T20:22:00.000-06:00

This will be the last post in the latest series. But not to worry, the fabulous gayness will continue! And hopefully, there will be an inspirational word, thought, etc. Or two. So sorry...it's a long one.

I've gotten a bit of grief every now and then from friends about some of the TV shows I watch. In addition to crime dramas, fabulously gay shows, the Daily Show, etc...I also watch shows like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. As Linus calls them, shows designed to make you cry. And to a large extent, he's right. Overly sappy. Mushy even. And it works, too. It's pretty much a guarantee that by the time the family of twelve (who probably have a story like: lost their father to cancer just before the tornado destroyed their ramshackle, termite-infested 4 bedroom house) gets their new house, I'm blubbering like an idiot. And not just because "the team" goes the extra mile by treating the entire house with a special anti-termite goo and installs an underground emergency shelter...just in case tornadoes don't follow the same rules as lightning.

It's because of the love the family has for one another. It doesn't matter what they've been through, how tough times got, or how much they've lost. They have kept their heads high because they have each other. They keep putting one foot in front of the other because they know they're not alone. And more often than not, they also have found some way to give back to their community, their family, or someone else in need. They remind me of many people in my life.

My mother, who never let what we didn't have keep us from feeling loved and blessed. Dennis and Judy Shepard, who found grace and compassion when it was least likely and who still today devote their time, energy, and money in the hopes nobody else has to do the same. And the list goes on and on.

Lately I've been watching a new show on TNT, called Heartland. It's about a team of transplant surgeons and nurses. They save lives, and they lose some. They care about total strangers, and do everything they can to give people more time. more time with loved ones. More time to accomplish a dream. More time to simply live. It's about giving to someone else, even when you don't get anything in return. Out of love. And out of humanity.

I have a confession. I watch these shows BECAUSE I will cry. It's a way to vent the sadness. The sadness I feel when I hear a friend worry about whether or not she can stay in school because her parents don't come through as promised. The frustration I feel when I read today that a 22 year man died in custody because OUR government refused him the AIDS medication he needed to stay alive. His crime? He didn't have a green card. The anger I feel when I hear the Phelps will protest the funerals of those killed in the bridge collapse.

But most of all, it's the worry. The worry that those who mean SO much to me, and have given me so many wonderful yet intangible gifts, will not know how much love I carry inside. Sometimes I feel ready to burst. Like the love inside is overflowing. I was there when my mother died. I was there when I was afraid Scotty was going to do the same. For me, every single day in precious. Like so many of my faithful readers, I've felt the loss of a loved one. And I rejoice in every moment I get to spend with my friends and family.

If you've ever heard me give a SafeZone presentation or speak to a class, you might know that back in 9th grade, I was ready to give up. I felt no hope, and was so tired of the internal struggle. But the day I was ready to swallow every pill in the house, a friend called and asked me to "head into town" for a day of fun. I don't remember what we did, but we had SO much fun. When I got home, I realized that had I followed through, I would have missed the good times too. And so from that day on, I have focused on the good times. I look toward the light at the end of the tunnel. The silver lining. Or at least I try to...I am human after all.

So that's the way I try to live my life now. Always remember the good times. Help each other through the bad ones, and try to learn from them as you go. Take some chances. Love easily, and make certain you share that love. Speak it. Act it. Write it. MAKE IT KNOWN. And not just to those you call family. Or friend. But to everyone around you. The stranger on the street. The person who sits next to you in class. The umpteenth customer of the day.

That's really the point of this whole series of posts. Just by changing the little things, we can make a big difference. "Become the change you want to see in the world." It really does work. And I've found that when you do your best to BE your best, the Universe will give you the best in return. Witness the countless friends and family who stand by you when you're sick, cranky, tired, in pain, poor, or just plain sad. Being filled with love is an amazing feeling. Sharing it is even better.

So at the risk of sounding like a broken record, thank you to you all. And all my love. YOU GIVE ME WINGS!

For the record, the only tears shed during the writing of this post are due to smiles and happy memories. It's not sadness talking...just LOVE! (And you know damned well that SOMEONE would worry it was a depressed or sulky post if I didn't clarify...it's the nature of text on a screen instead of tone of voice.

United We Stand... Why not work together?

2007-08-06T19:00:00.000-06:00

Think for a moment about all the time, energy, and power we spend fighting for a small piece of the pie. What if all the numerous groups worked together as one, combining that same time, power, and energy? It would be a force to reckoned with, indeed. We even have examples of people working together and the great things they can accomplish.

The Olympics. We love to see athletes coming together in the spirit of sportmanship and competition. Even here in America we manage to make note of the trimuphs, struggles, and efforts of others. The under dogs. Someone who has overcome incredible odds just to participate. New firsts. New records. Heoric feats and daring dos. The Kennedy Center Honors. Celebrating people in film, television, music, and the arts. Where else in one year can you honor Zubin Mehta, Dolly Parton, Smokey Robinson, Steven Spielberg, and Andrew Lloyd Webber? (Don't know them? Look them up. They're worth it.)

Here on campus we're starting to see it. Women's Action Network and Spectrum have co-sponsored countless events, and other groups along the way too. In the past, Spectrum has worked with Campus Ventures, Catholics on Campus, AAPISA, OMA, UMC, the Bahai's, Hillel, MEChA, several greek houses, and many departments. If we all worked together to bring in an event as one...how could it be denied? I imagine funding would be thrown at an event.

One way or another, we have to learn to work together. The similarities between racism, sexism, homophobia, ageism, classism, politicism, etc. far outweigh the differences. Oppression is the same, even if the particular flavor isn't. It's not about us and them. There is only us. We are ALL connected. Not matter how many little boxes we try to create to separate us from one another, we're all still in the same container.

What happens in Mexico impacts us in the U.S. Any conflict in the world has an impact on the entire globe. HIV crosses all boundaries, and the number of AIDS orphans who are coming of age and the number who will be orphaned in 10 years will certainly have global impact. How will nations of children eat? Learn? Govern? We must act now to prevent disaster down the road. And will take a concerted effort from everyone.

But the good news is you don't have to go to Africa and work with AIDS orphans. You do, however, have to get involved. In something. Find something you're passionate about and volunteer. Donate your time and your money. Think globally and act locally is a great motto! It reminds me of something a Lakota healer taught me once.

"First, I must heal myself. Then I can heal my family. Then we can heal our community. Then we can heal the world."

The Opression Olympics

2007-07-31T09:38:00.000-06:00

Since we've discussed how we define things and how those definitions are used to create an illusion of control, let's talk about what happens due to outside forces.

When you are trained to fear the other or the different, it makes it easier maintain a kind of systemic control over groups of people. It's something that's often seen in times of war: representing the "enemy" as somehow less civilized or human. Think about how our current media, a fair percentage of the populace, and the government present the folks we're fighting. They're shown as inhumane, wanting to destroy "our way of life." They're nameless and faceless. They are vilified and demonized, even though our country's history ought to teach us something different. We're not as likely to see women and children on the news, unless there are American soldiers helping them and being kind. The technical term would be propaganda.

After wars are over, we often learn a great deal more about the "other." We learn that not all Germans were Nazis, and that life wasn't always easy on the other side of the front lines. We also learn that we, too, are capable of horrific things. Internment camps for Japanese Americans. The Atomic Bomb. Abu Ghraib. Deception about weapons of mass destruction that didn't exist. But these sorts of things often don't matter until after the fact, because at the time we're too busy being against the "other guys." And it's much easier to do that when we don't know as much about them or don't talk about them as people.

We give them names, so they're even less "normal" to us. Charlie. The Gerrys. Gooks. Sometimes it's not so much a name, as a grouping. Viet Cong. Al Qaeda. Insurgents. Rebels. Guerrillas. Anything to distance them. We draw political cartoons lampooning them. Sometimes we use marketing and advertising campaigns. If you've watched a decent quantity of Bugs Bunny or Looney Toons cartoons, you've seen another form of this. We are taught it is a simple game of us vs. them.

And the same is true domestically. A great deal of effort is spent keeping different groups fighting one another. Blacks vs. gays. Christians vs. Muslims. And the list, or more accurately the cycle, never ends. When the Federal Marriage Amendmentment was being introduced, its supporters lobbied black churches heavily, trying to stir up this animosity. "They are trying to compare their CHOICE with your experiences, and isn't that wrong?! They're not the same thing! Stand with us against them!" They went to other churches saying "They want to force you to accept and perform weddings that go against your beliefs!" It doesn't matter if it's true, the tension and division is the goal.

It's also done through economic means. "There's only so much money to go around, and we can only work on so many things at once." We're then taught to fight each other for that small piece of the pie. "Put in your budget requests so you can have programming available!" When a group does get something, the others are again set against them as opponents. "See what they got? You should have the same thing. You're just as good if not better than them." I learned a term for this at a conference a while back: the Oppression Olympics. As long as we're competing with one another, we're not working together and seeing the flaws in the system as a whole. And we're just getting little table scraps. LITTLE pieces of pie.

Next time: United We Stand - Why not work together?

Keeping it under control

2007-07-26T11:57:00.000-06:00

Since we've now discussed how we define things, we need to look at what we do with those definitions. How do we then use them to interact with the world around us?

I'm not sure if it's human nature or just the current societal values, but we like to feel as though we're in control. And we're taught that knowledge and understanding leads to power. To control. If we figure out where something fits in the "scheme of things" we somehow have a better sense of the world around us. We break things down into its component parts in order to analyze it. (Again, for the geeks out there - deconstruction!)

We pick apart a movie or TV show, identifying themes, images, dialogue, etc so that we can pull some meaning out of it. We listen for specific words or lines in music that help us understand what a song is about, what its message is supposed to be. We do the same thing with people as well. We spend a lot of time sorting people into nice, neat little boxes for the purposes of identification. We sort people based on their religion, gender, politics, sexuality, race, age, socio-economic status, etc.

Think about it this way: Have you ever been talking about an actor or musician before, and someone is quick to point out "You know they're gay, right?" This is especially revealing when you were saying "I love this song," or "He's a good actor." Does their sexuality have anything to do with the quality of the music or film? We reduce people to one aspect of their identity, and often times don't give ourselves mental permission to let them out of one or two boxes.

This often leads to a lot of assumptions, too. Just because someone is gay, doesn't mean they can't also be a Republican. Or that they are automatically for gay marriage. Or that they're sexually active. Obviously, we're talking about stereotypes here. By defining people in a certain way, and using those definitions to deconstruct and categorize, we're limiting them. But it gives us a sense of control. Knowledge. Something upon which to base decisions.

An example from SafeZone: My friend Jackie looks like everybody's grandma. White hair, sweet disposition, wears her glasses on a chain. You just know she wants to bake you cookies. She also wears a gold cross around her neck. It's easy to put her into a mental box as a sweet little old retiree granny type. Putting her in that particular box might mean you wouldn't swear around her, or wouldn't bring up topics like being gay. She's got white hair and wears a cross, so that conversation couldn't possibly go well, right? Until you find out her son is gay and that she can swear like a sailor.

We like to believe we understand the world around us. Largely because if we know where to place everyone and everything else, it helps us figure out where to place ourselves. Where WE "fit in." And that's really where the sense of knowledge and control come from: knowing where we stand in relation to "other." This category of people feels this way about this issue, so I won't be around those people or discuss that issue with them. Wouldn't it be amazing if we talked it through instead, and learned that today a majority of Americans support employment protection for GLBT people? And perhaps we could change the minds of people about some things.

I've heard about so many people who start viewing a group differently when they find out someone they care about is a part of it. When you know someone who's black, it's harder to be scared or nervous when walking past an African American on the street. It's harder to oppose gay marriage or civil unions when one of your kids comes out. It's not because there's something different about the person or group. It's because we've broken down the little boxes into which we place them. After all, how many of you fit neatly into one or two categories?

Next time - The Oppression Olympics: How these categories are used to keep us from working towards unity.

Definition by negation

2007-07-24T10:02:00.000-06:00

I've had several folks from my past come back into my life recently, and it prompted a conversation last night. It was a lengthy and weighty conversation about unity, humanity, fear, control, and perception. For the next few posts, I want to share with you some of the more important points. It really will lead/connect back to our usual gayness, I promise.

I learned something in Senior Seminar with the English Department. Language, words, and most symbols are all quite arbitrary. There is nothing inherent about a tree that says "the word for me is tree." Think about the myriad of languages that exist in the world today, and those that have "died out" in the past. They all have different words that represent "tree." We have chosen arbitrary words and arbitrary spellings in order to communicate with one another. The combination of letters t, r, e, and e doesn't have anything to do with what makes up a tree, where it grows, etc. They are connected only because of a mutual agreement and understanding that gives us a mental picture of a tree.

There are problems with this, of course. When I read or hear the word tree, I might envision a pine tree. Sharp needles, rough bark, tall, hearty, and green year round. Someone standing next to me, hearing or seeing the exact same word, might picture an aspen tree. Dormant over the winter months, smooth bark, broad leaves, and changing colors throughout the year. If we were both to describe the process for climbing the tree, uses for the wood, the smells, the textures, etc...we would probably be on two different pages, though the books would be related. It's why you learn about things like "specificity of language" in school. It helps to remove some of this confusion.

But how do create the image for tree in our heads? How do we know what a tree IS? We create a definition by what something is NOT. "Tree" is not "cat." It's not rock, or river. It's not a taco, and so on. Because "tree" can be more than one thing to us, we only what it means in relation to what it isn't. With words or images, this can be fairly simple.

We can only define things based on our own knowledge and experience. If you see the word "Hund," you cannot pull meaning from it unless you have something filed away in the rolodex of your brain that matches it. In this case, it's a word in German. If you've never learned German, you won't have much luck searching your mental databases. If you're lucky, a word will be similar to something else. (For the geeks in the room, these are called cognates.) Hund looks and sounds like the word "hound," and means dog. I can usually pull some meaning out of something I read in Dutch, because the written language is similar enough to German that I can make educated guesses about the meaning it's trying to convey. We create definitions through comparison.

The problem with this is that we do the same thing with people. We're quick to create distinctions about "other." Black vs. white. Republican vs. Democrat. Young vs. old. Jewish vs. Muslim vs. Hindu. We assign these labels to people quickly and easily, and use them to define that which is different from "us" or "me." We focus on these differences, even though there are far more similarities to be found. No matter the color of your skin, most people are born with the same number of toes, fingers, eyes, etc. We have different blood types, but they're made of the same thing. Yet we continually focus on what separates us or sets us apart. More often, we focus on what sets someone else apart. They are not like us in X way, so they are "different" or "not normal."

We then assign value to "normal." "Was the baby born normal?" "Why can't I have a normal job?" "Is that normal?" And normal is always defined in relation to ourselves. It doesn't matter if a majority of people in the world are not "white," that is considered "normal" to us in the US. Normalcy is like us, largely because we want to believe that we are like others, that we are normal and that we are operating in the natural state and ways.

Think about how you define things around you, and then how you define the people around you. How do you describe someone if they're not present. "You know Linus, the guy in the kilt." "Squid, the one with pink hair." "Big Gay Jim." Don't we use the differences as a basis for ruling out the things we're NOT describing? At what point do those differences become a definition? And do you want a part of you, one singular difference, to define you? Am I ONLY gay?

Coming next - Control: Why do we feel the need to categorize everything and everyone?