Cellllllll-a-brate good times, come on!

So as soon as I receive a certificate and ID number in the mail, I'm now a certified HIV tester and counselor in the State of Wyoming. Woohoo! I learned a lot and had a BLAST. We had such a great group of people and so much energy. And we finished early, so I have extra time to repack the suitcase and stress over the myriad of things I've probably forgotten. Which is good, since I have a board meeting for the SAFE Project tonight.

And in the morning, I will take the boys to Uncle Jesse's house, wash the car, pick up the girls, and go for a little drive. To CALIFORNIA!!! A real vacation...the chair will now entertain a woohoo. I'm so excited about this, in case you couldn't tell.

Oh...and I want sushi. Tonight. Anyone interested?

A short one

Tomorrow I start training to be an HIV tester and counselor. I'm very excited!!! I know I do several good things to make the world a better place. But this is something new...something more tangible in some respects. I might never know if my presence at an Orientation table reached out to a student new to campus. But I can know about working against HIV for straight and GLBT people alike. And if nothing else, it's one more tool in my toolbelt and one more way to make a difference. And won't that be a good thing in July, when I travel to my (censored) year class reunion?!

Summer's HERE!

So there's a trip to California soon. I thought this would signal the official start of summer for me. But NO! Not so, gentle readers. You know what did it?

Zeus and I went to the park yesterday. We lounged about in the sun reading, phoning, and watching all the hot guys running or playing basketball. It was great! For some reason, this triggered my brain's response that indicates I'm supposed to be enjoying life, taking things slow and easy, and spending mass amounts of time outside whenever possible.

So I invite you all to take a moment, revel in the sunshine, and realize that it's not winter in Wyoming. As you know, this is rare! So break out the barbeques, flip out the frisbees, and howdy to the (increasingly) half-naked hotties. I'm ready to play and party and power up. (Yup...another day of alliteration, apparently.)

No lesson...lessons are for school, and it's summer! Woohoo!

When in doubt....clean

Today was...something I'd rather not repeat if I could choose. I woke up less than healthy, so I stayed home. I spent the morning in bed and bonding with porcelain. Don't ask. Once I was more put together, I took a shower, got dressed, and fed the boys. Just before heading to work I checked my email while the boys were eating. An upset user, who had threatened legal action the day before, was now saying my response to him was inadequate and that he was complaining to a VP. So much for answering someone's question and being nice. This was reason to be angry #1.

An employee we fired was supposed to come in today to sign her time card and fill out final paperwork. She didn't show up. While I can't say that I'm surprised, it's still annoying beyond belief. Reason to be angry #2.

I found out the University is going to be closed Friday in honor of Reagan's death. Thanks to Orientation, I have to work Friday morning anyway. This does not really anger me, but is an annoyance. What does piss me off, however, is that they haven't issued an official statement, so nobody knows if I'll get that time back, or if I'm donating my time to the University because I'm a nice guy and the freshmen at Orientation need accounts. Reason #3.

Finally, a little before quitting time, I'm told that there was overtime reported to our payroll system. Now being the intelligent and diligent person I am, I naturally checked the system when I was supposed to, making sure there was none. There were no overtime codes listed. I downloaded the report, and double checked it today - no overtime codes. But sure as hell, they're in there today. So I have a meeting at 8am to figure out what the hell is going on. Reason #4.

Needless to say, I'm angry tonight. And I didn't know how to deal with it. So I went back to basics, and did what I used to do in the dorms. I cleaned. I've mopped the floors in the kitchen and entry, vacuumed the house, done dishes, started some laundry, and tidied. I'm feeling better now, though I'm still pretty pissed...just in general. So I'm going to keep cleaning, and read my HIV training manual, and do more laundry. Then later, I'll take a bath or jump in the hot tub.

The lesson for today: use your rage and anger. Turn it. Make it productive. Or at least get your housework done trying! ;)

"Go without hate
But not without rage
Heal the world." - Paul Monette

Deprivation

The last few days I haven't been getting enough sleep. I didn't get to bed before midnight at all this week. The last two nights, I didn't even hit the pillow until 1am. Not good when you wake up at 6am to make it to work by 7:30am. I'm just not young enough to live on 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night, especially several nights in a row. Granted, I had a lovely time each night, spending time with friends. We played video games, watched TV, celebrated the full moon, and had cocktails! All in all, a wonderful week, if a bit sleepy during the day.

This weekend should prove to be wonderful as well. I slept until 10am today...8 hours of sleep was blissful! Today I have a SafeZone presentation for the SAFE Program's new Advocate trainees. Then a BBQ for my friend Dan, who's in town from Hawaii! It's been soo long since I've seen him, and I can't wait to catch up. Tomorrow we're off for lunch at Noodles and Co. in Fort Collins...before we go see Harry Potter in a decent theatre!

And have I mentioned that I'm going to California!? I'm becoming increasingly excited about the trip, though I didn't think that was possible. Some changes in plans, as we're going to San Diego instead of Laguna Niguel now. It's not much of a change at all. Sun, beaches, and relaxation. With great friends to boot!

A lesson for today? Nope! Not from me. I know what my lesson is, but today it's your turn! There is a lesson in your life today. Figure out what it is. You can do it! And if you feel like sharing, I'd love for you to email me with it, or better yet, post it as a comment here!

POUT

I should learn that saying "Woohoo" too quickly is reason enough for a cosmic bitch slap. I was up way too late for the second night in a row, though playing video games with Travis, Monirah, and Drew was faboo. I woke up too early, though during the summer that's always the case. 5 hours of sleep doesn't cut the mustard for me, though. I still decided not to let that get me down. I ate my cereal, played with the pups, and pulled out Mom's old camera this morning, determined that a good mood was going to be the order of the day. I snapped some pictures of simple objects just to burn the film in the camera. Shells, flowers, puppies, trees...nature at her finest.

I left for work, only to find the warning light on my car (Georgina) was till telling me there's a problem with the exhaust system. *sigh* Not what you want 2.5 weeks before a 2000 mile road trip. At work I tried to pull up PeopleSoft to check on how payroll ran last night. Must make sure nobody got pegged with overtime, after all. Guess what wouldn't pull up for me? So I've now spent 1.5 hours this morning working with the guys upstairs to work their magic. Apparently, the system thinks I'm someone else. Neat trick, since the person it thinks I am works in HR and I've never even heard of her! But it's PS...which should prolly be abbreviated PoS instead. So I continue to fight that battle. And I have a car appointment tomorrow afternoon, meaning more vacation time spent this month. Ah well...I had a lot to burn, I suppose.

So I'm having a fairly crappy morning. But I shall not give up! I'm gonna be happy and cheery, dammit! Even if it kills me. So...the good news. Last night I got the lawn mowed before it rained. Today I have coffee with Southern Butter Pecan creamer (yum). I had a bagel with cream cheese this morning; even if it was day old, it was good too. I don't get lunch, but that's because I have a hair appointment today. Seeing my Hair Bitch (she actually LOVES that title) always makes me happy...and pretty! And tonight there shall be gay boys, cocktails, and the season premiere of Queer Eye...with twins (mmm....twins).

So while it's not all roses, it's not ALL bad either. Today's pseudo-lesson: While we can't force ourselves to be happy, especially in the face of adversity, we can consciously try to remember the positives. Repeat after me, class: "It's not all bad. It will get better." It will get better...If I keep saying it enough times, it's bound to be true, right?

When did this happen?

So today was odd. I have accomplished A LOT. My email inbox is at zero, which hasn't happened for MONTHS. For those of you unfamiliar with my habits, once a message is dealt with or has been responded to, I move it into another folder. So a zero inbox means I've dealt with everything and am caught up! I even snuck away to lunch today. Payroll is done. I paid bills today. When I go home, I'll mow the lawn with the new lawnmower I built last night. See? Productive today, aren't I? The only thing left for today is to solve world hunger, create world peace, and make the world safe from Republicans (though I did a bit of that today, too!).

I had lunch with my friend and teacher Amada. And she's giving me assignments. To do on my own. Which means she's trusting me with some pretty powerful work. Amazingly enough, I feel quite ready for it. She's also told me (and another) that we're to begin teaching some of the newer folk...under supervision, of course. So apparently I know something. I'm not doubting this fact, as I have in the not-too-distant past. But it leaves me wondering...when did this happen? When did I learn something?! I don't remember it happening, but I know that some point, it did. So I'm just a bit in awe today. Cool stuff, I say.

Not to mention the trip I took yesterday. I did a bit of driving, but it was worth it. I got to see some amazing scenery, especially on the pass above Centennial. I was just below Medicine Bow Peak, and it was truly breathtaking. So were the 50-60 mile per hour winds.

Today's lesson is a simple one: Take a moment to stop and smell the flowers. Or at least look at them, for they are pretty, and it's amazing that anything can grow in this climate!

In Memory

I miss you Mom.
I miss you Matt.
I remember all those who have come before.

With apologies to Morgan Llywelyn

(Note: I have officially remembered the blog topic from the other night...the one that escaped me in my sleep. Brace yourselves...another long one!) So I've been re-reading a book called "Druids." I know it's not the most popular of books (or authors) with some folks, but I like it, so cope. There is a line that repeats throughout the story, and it struck me the first time I read the book several years ago. And lately, it's been on my mind a great deal. So I'll co-opt the line for today's post.

I was a person who sang.

Music has always been a big part of my life. Some of my earliest and happiest memories are of singing in the car with my mom and sister. Living in Wyoming, especially growing up on a ranch 20 miles from ANYthing and 40 miles from SOMEthing, you've got a bit of time in the car when you go anywhere. Trips to church, grocery shopping, visiting, or for other errands involved time on dirt roads with little option for radio stations. Compound that with a mother who's not fond of rock and roll's "sex, drugs, and alcohol attitude" and my dislike for most country music, and the radio in the wilds of northeastern Wyoming is out.

So we sang our way along. Show tunes. Disney songs. Silly songs. Fun songs. Campfire songs. Any songs we could think of, we'd sing them. We'd sing on the way to Wright or Gillette. We'd sing on the long road trips back to Illinois. We'd sing on our weekend or day trips to scenic spots in the Black Hills or around Wyoming. Show tunes and Disney were always present. Perhaps that should have been a clue, eh? Maybe the Southern Baptists are right: Disney is evil and will turn kids gay. Ha. It's funny....laugh, dammit.

I was a person who sang.

Once we moved to Wright, I joined choirs. I was in the Children's Choir at Church. Then it was Show Choir at the elementary school. There were tryouts for that even! It was pretty competitive for Wright, Wyoming, and I made it in both years I could, 5th AND 6th grade. In Junior High I took Choir as an elective. I went to the North East District Honor Choir and Clinic both years. We had an outstanding director who really made me love music, despite the comments from some of my classmates. After all...Choir? In Wyoming? For boys? There were only 3 of us, you know.

As I entered 9th grade, we lost our director, thanks to an ass of a principal. The new person was nice enough, but didn't have the skills or enthusiasm. She didn't understand how to make us passionate about music. That, combined with growing peer pressure and a burgeoning understanding of who I was...and that Choir might reveal that, made me leave "organized music," despite a few awards and a heavy heart. I still sang with the fam in the car. I sang at church too, though I wasn't long for "organized religion" either - go figure. On holidays, the Parkers and my family would often perform songs in Spanish or German, especially "Silent Night." And we were pretty good, if I do say so myself. I'd drive around town with my friends, singing along to the radio, cassettes, or CD's. Music became more private for me. Something for small groups, close friends, or evenings at home with the family. Not for public performances.

I was a person who sang.
Until the music stopped.

Of course, not practicing "organized music" means I lost some of my skills. When you don't flex your muscles (or your voice), they weaken a bit. Basic anatomy, right? Being depressed and suicidal while coming to terms with the fact I wasn't straight didn't help matters either, and music was soon something I listened to, but didn't really sing with. Unless it was a sad song. And so on the rare occasions I sang, people were surprised. They didn't know I could do it! While I'll never have a professional music career, I CAN carry a tune in something other than a bushel basket.

A don't really really remember when it happened, but one day I felt like singing again. Well, I do know when it was, I suppose. Someone came into my life and showed me what it could be like to have someone in my life. Someone to lean on, confess everything to, and someone to hope for. Without dating, I still knew what a relationship could be like. And the music came back.

I AM a person who sings.

And music is still here for me. Though music is still something private for me, and many of my friends don't witness me singing much. I randomly break into Billy Joel tunes and, oddly enough, Christmas carols. The pups sometimes look at me like I'm crazy, but there are times I can't help but sing. Loudly, and at the edge of my range. I've found my range and breath control returning somewhat, as I'm practicing again, albeit informally. In the car, the shower, the living room...doesn't matter. And I fully expect to be in rare musical form on the impending road trip. (Fair warning, ladies!)

The lesson for today: We all have a song in our hearts, we just have to remember how the tune goes. Maybe it's one we write, or one we've heard on the radio. Something that speaks to us, to our very soul. Something that reminds us why we wake up in the morning, or the smile a dear friend can bring to our face. It's there inside us always, even when we want to be sad or wallow or cry or scream or rage. Remember the song and hold onto it tight, but also remember to let it out once in a while. For I am not the only person who sings. We all make music in different ways. We all have a song. Let your heart and soul sing it out loud in whatever form it takes. Even in great sorrow, there can be joy...or at least comfort.

Sing with me...

Morning Quote

"My fullest concentration of energy is available to me only when I integrate all parts of who I am, openly, allowing power from particular sources of my living to flow back and forth freely through all my different selves, without the restriction of externally imposed definition." - Audre Lorde

Depending on how much I accomplish today at work, how bored I get this afternoon, and whether I remember the uber-post I thought of last night waiting to go to sleep, I may post again later today. Until then, please read this quote and derive your own lesson for the day. It'll do you good!

Sick Day

So it was almost 2am before my brain stopped spinning long enough to get to sleep. I also wasn't feeling well, so when I woke up this morning it was pretty clear: today was a sick day. I called by boss' voice mail and went back to sleep. To quote Mr. Frost "And that has made all the difference."

I didn't realize how much I really needed some rest. Some time to take care of myself. To be alone, and to not worry about others. (Attention friends: Please do not take that the wrong way. I am not sorry for being there for any of you at any point. Ever.) I just needed to remember to focus on myself and my own needs for a while. Funny how the body has ways of forcing us when it needs to, eh?

I got out of bed at about 10:30 this morning. I was dressed and presentable a little before 3pm, when I gassed up the car and headed to Fort Collins for an oil change. It was time for a bit of work on the car too. Imagine my suprise and glee when I learned that in addition to free oil changes, my extended maintenance package also included air filters and inspection services...all for free! I did spend about $15 and had the tired rotated, which was also due. I figure $15 is pretty cheap for a pre-roadtrip work up. I even called into Dereck and Romaine on the way home. A pretty full day, even if I didn't really do anything.

No earth shattering lesson for the day again, other than to say remember to take care of yourself. Time for yourself, even if it's not time alone, is very important. Here's my perspective from today: If I don't take care of me, I can't help take care of those around me as well as I could if I'm in a good place. So thanks to my body and the universe for the reminder and the chance to simply be. Tomorrow, we return you to your regularly scheduled work day. Or at least, I'll go back to mine. Night all!

Sugar...Aw, honey honey...

What a bleak and dreary day here in Wyoming. Nothing like a little snow a few days before June to make you go "Fuck." But it could be much worse. All things considered, I'm in a pretty good mood. The plans for the road trip continue to develop, and that has me all bouncey, a la Mandy (and Tigger, I suppose). We ran away for lunch. Yummy Mexican food, even.

Then it started raining, and we were sad. So we went for ice cream. LOTS of ice cream. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Blizzardy-type ice cream. So now I'm in the midst of a massive sugar buzz. I figure I'll slip into a diabetic coma any moment now. And it will be good. It's been a while since I've been this hyper and happy, even if it is glucose-induced (hence the title of today's post).

So the lesson for today? Get high on sugar, or whatever else makes you giddy. And enjoy life. It's all you can do on such a gloomy day.

Oh, that and play video games. Which we're doing later tonight. Woowoo!

Go, Go Gadget Grannies!

So I spent my weekend being a slacker. Saturday was "Day o' sloth." I did laundry, but that's about the extent of it. I watched some movies and caught up on my TV shows that were saved on the satellite's PVR (much like a Tivo). And it was happy. I'd not spent time alone like that in a bit, and needed it more than I realized.

Sunday brought a new flavor of adventure and slack, though. While it wasn't really productive, my day was far from lazy. I woke up when dad called - at 7am! Now, as much of an ass as he usually is, he has his moments. He called to tell me that he has a new Ithaca 10 gauge shotgun for me. Sporting a wallop like a Howitzer, it's not good for much other than goose hunting. But it should be pretty and shiny and I will love it and squeeze it and call it George. Or not. ;) I had been planning to call him that morning anyway, so it saved me remembering to do it. I asked if he could, by chance, help cover my car insurance this go around, as they charged me more than I was expecting and made it due sooner. The raise doesn't kick in until July 1 and the impending trip to California had me stressing over the almighty dollar. He's actually going to send a check for a little more than the insurance, so I can pay my bill and buy gas for the first 10 miles of the trip (SO EXPENSIVE RIGHT NOW)! I can breathe AND take a vacation. The chair will now entertain a "woohoo!" Buying my love? Well duh...that's his m.o. Am I so stupid to fall for it, or ethical enough to reject some nice things now and then? No on both counts. I'm capable of being shallow too, y'all. ;)

After 45 minutes on the phone with Dad, a new record (since I was also talking and not just listening to him droll on about livestock) and minor miracle, I went back to sleep for an hour or so. Woohoo again! The morning though process is not exactly ornate: dogs outside, make teeth clean, shower make me clean, make hair pretty, must wear clothes...there...I'm fabulous again. (Shut up, Travis - and get a damned blog! ---OOO. You did while I was writing this post. Check it out, y'all ) Ready to face the world by 10am on a Sunday is a decent accomplishment, I think. And I was right on schedule. I had to call the Rainbow Riders, a pair of lesbian grannies who are biking across the country to raise awareness about and support for marriage equality. Carrie and Elisia are FABulous! We picked up some coffee before the gay tour of Laramie, which doesn't take long, as you might imagine. We drove past the Fireside and campus. I pointed out the Courthouse and headed for Albertson's for picnic supplies. We grabbed some grub and headed for the park, where we met some of the (un)usual suspects in the park for a potluck picnic with the grannies, and had a blast!

After we left the park (3-4 hours later) I took them out to see the fence. It had been about a year and a half since I'd been out there, and things have changed a bit. The fence had been moved some time ago, but now it has been expanded. A LOT. It now stretched to the top of the ridge on the north. Originally, it was about 3-4 sections of buck fence, and that's it. It's now MUCH longer. While there, Elisia turned over a rock randomly, and written on the bottom was the word "Forgive." Coinkydink (that's the REAL way to spell it, Travis)? I think not.

So today's great lessons? Meeting the bitchin' babes on bikes was a wonderful experience, and a great way to accomplish nothing while doing great things. They reminded me that I'm/we're not the only one(s) fighting the good fight. And that there are many ways to do it. No matter what the issue is, if you're passionate about something, create change! Find a way to make to a difference, to make your voice heard, and make others think in new ways. While biking across the country is a monumental task, it's something pretty much everyone can do (it would just take some of us longer). Again I'm reminded that simple thing can make a huge difference, and can take on a life of their own when fueled by passion, COMpassion, and pure hearts. So go out and make a difference today!

I want one

Apparently, I published too soon. If you love me, you'll buy me one of these:

http://www.cafeshops.com/powazek.9904803?zoom=yes&refby=powazek

I'm not even kidding.

Has it really been THAT long?

Wow. I am ashamed. I didn't realize it had been almost a month since I blogged. I knew it had been a while, but day-um. I am a horrible person. Wait. No I'm not. I'm just an insanely busy person at the end of semester. And perhaps threw my arms up and let certain things slip into the sunset. Unfortunately, they were things that make me happy. Things that let me spend time doing something for myself. Giving back to myself. Stooooopid me!

Let's see....updates. So the semester is over. Thank gawd! AIDS Walk is over. THANK GAWD. I have scheduled employees at work, and summer is officially underway, as evidenced by the fact my work hours are now 7:30am-4:30pm. It's great being done 30 minutes earlier in the day, but it also means I have to be up and quasi-functional that much sooner as well.

We had our first ever Lavender Graduation this year, as part of the OMA's Multicultural Graduation Celebration. We were included. And that's huge. Beth and I presented the first 5 graduates with their stoles and certificates. We had a dinner the night before. Coley and Travis said nice things about me, which made me cry. (I will still have my revenge!) "And it was good."

I bought myself a new wardrobe last weekend. Spent way too much money, but new clothes were needed. Shorts. T shirts. Semi-dressy shirts. Dress slacks. Yup...Loving it. And getting comments. Woo woo. Oh...and I'm going to California in June. WOOWOO! NerdyGirl and MandyFish and I are roadtripping, baby! A week of fun in the sun. And, depending on when we come back, either Pride in California (drool) or Denver (still a rocking good time)! One way or another, it's gonna be a blast. And it's going to involve nothing but pure, unadulterated (though possibly adulterous - there's boys in them thar hills!) fun! And I should have a chance to see my friend Rod in San Diego too!. *sings* "I'm so excited...and I just can't hide it...I'm about to leave this town...and I KNOW I like it!" So yeah, I'm looking forward to that, but just a little bit. It's why I've already ordered travel books from AAA and printed door-to-door driving directions. Road trip. Old school. With satellite radio, so we never have to listen to scary AM talk or country radio stations. We can listen to 80's, comedy, and queer radio the whole damn time, if we want. Par-tay. Beaches. Sun. Hot guys wearing almost nothing. It'll be perfect! (There shall be no mention of smog, California traffic, or rising gas prices!)

So that's the updates. Today's lesson about life: I got my ass kicked last night. No...in a good way. I won't go into gory detail, but some of my dear friends reminded me of something in ceremony (read previous blog post about being a shaman in training). There are several pieces to us. Body. Emotion. Spirit. Mind. We need to balance these things in order to be whole and healthy. I have been too much in my head lately. Over-thinking. Analyzing. I haven't been feeling, because it was easier. What do you suppose happens when you ignore your heart and emotions and only live in your brain? That's right....bad things. Depression. Anxiety. Withdrawal from the world. Withdrawal from happiness. So I'm being more conscious about being less conscious, as odd as that sounds. And when I start to live in my head too much, I'll escape to the great outdoors, take my shoes off, and feel the dirt between my toes. I'll intentionally reconnect with the strength and joy I (re)discovered while in Colorado (seriously...read the previous blog posts). That energy and happiness are inside each of us, we just have to remember to tap into it. To focus on it. To embrace it.

Sound cheesy and shamanic enough for you? Good. :) Remember to take a moment today to celebrate yourself. To FEEL...not think. Turn your brain off (this will be easier for some than for others, as some of you leave your brains in powersave mode most days). Open your heart. Listen to your fear, your pain, your joy, your sadness. Hey...it's my homework too, so you're not alone. And if you want to learn more about the flavor of shamanism I'm learning, just ask. Doesn't matter if you're just curious because you wanna know or if you think maybe you'd like to start learning more about earth-honoring traditions yourself. Drop me a line.

Thus endeth the long post...but hey...I'm making up for some lost time, aren't I?

Please don't let it be a train

So there's a light at the end of the tunnel. It's been a long couple of weeks, with lots of meetings, events, and legwork. But AIDS Walk is done! Well, all but the details. The money's counted and handed off to people who own safes and large bank accounts. We raised over $13,000 - setting a new record for fundraising. The drag queens have come and gone, and despite an overly crowded after party, it too was a ragin success. We may have to find a new venue for next year, because if it keeps growing in size we won't be able to fit everyone in the Ramada. Did I mention it's done? Woowoo. Now we just have to have a celebratory dinner and send out thank you notes. Simple right? I figure that's close enough to done to do the happy dance...though very slowly.

And work is starting to slow down too. Scheduling for the summer should be simple and be done quickly. Then it's on to summer in Laramie. For those who've never experienced that, it's a blissful time. Most of the students are gone, so it's quiet and the town feels almost deserted. It's not too hot, not too cold. The town is more...relaxed. And that makes it easier to be relaxed in general. I look forward to summers in Laramie. There's camping with friends. This year there should be a lot of boating, assuming we get something resembling water in the reservoirs for a while. And with Georgina, there will be road trips. Adventures into the back country and off the beaten path. Exploring. Communing. Picnicking. Breathing.

So I keep heading toward the light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope it's the other side of the tunnel I'm seeing.

The Big Hairy Homo Who Went Up a Mountain and Came Down a Hill

[Brace yourselves, gentle readers - it's gonna be a long one!] What a weekend. So where was I, you ask? I went to Colorado for a shamanic workshop (look at me come out to some of you as a shaman in training - woohoo!) near Boulder. It was an intense and intensive 3 days. I won't tell you about much of it, but there is one thing I wanted to share. Have you ever been to Boulder? If not, picture a town at the foothills of some serious peaks. This means there are lots of hills and such in the area. They even have a park nestled into a valley and connected to a mondo butte there. So 25 of my closest friends and I went up to Boulder for a ceremony, the details of which aren't important to the story.

As we stood at the start of the trail, I looked up. And gasped. And my heart sank. A lot. It was steep. Bigtime steep. My brain told me there was no way in hell I could make this journey. It was sunny outside, and therefore very hot. I had my Nalgene with me, which was about half full of water, as I'd consumed the first half in the car ride to Boulder. But it was time, and we started walking in a single file line. We'd been instructed to walk in silence, so there was no talking as we began up what I like to refer to as Mount Olympus.

It didn't take long for problems to set in. I'm not great with stairs or inclines to begin with because my athsma kicks in. Having a cold in my chest and lungs didn't help much either, and soon I was breathing with great difficulty. I used rythmic breathing to stay in control and prevent panting or gasping for air which helped. I was sweating profusely and my legs were aching - my calves were on fire! I had brought only my Birks for the weekend (which are not great climbing shoes) and they tried to slip off my feet with every step; I had to curl my toes slightly to keep from losing them altogether. Rocks, pebbles, dust, and weeds flowed in and out of my shoes as well.

With each step, I thought "This is too much for me. I can't do this. I'm not as fit as the others. I probably won't add any value to the ceremony anyway, and they can do it without me." A hundred different excuses kept filtering into my mind. Each time we would come to a bend or the top of a rise, a new path, other more steep than the last, awaited us, and my despair grew. But I kept walking, halting step by step, thinking "the top of that ridge would be a good place to stop and rest. Just a little further and I'll collapse - the middle of a hill is not a good place to stop. There's nowhere to sit!" *One more step*

I could feel those around me watching me closely for signs of heat stroke, cardiac arrest, an aneurism, or spontaneous human combustion. They were aware I was struggling, and would smile meekly at me now and then, offering their silent compassion and support. It seemed like absolutely everything was working against me, trying to keep me off the mountain, and I was all too ready to let it. But still I kept walking. Someone pulled back and told me "Don't waste energy by doing this" and "draw strength from the earth beneath your feet." *One more step*

At some point the messages in my head changed somewhat. I wanted to make it just a little further before I stopped. Be that much closer. *One more step* The end wasn't in sight, and I didn't even really know how far we had to go before we got there, or what the end would look like. I started remembering some of the things we'd learned and talked about over the weekend, and things I've told my friends (and some of my gentle readers) over time.

- The easy path is not always the best one. *One more step*
- I am not doing this alone. *One more step*
- I have support. *One more step*
- It wouldn't be hard if it wasn't necessary for it to be. *One more step*

I was suddenly drawing strength from within...and from those around me. From the very world around me. It wasn't easy. It was very painful. But the next thing I knew, we were at the top. I looked at my step counter, and we'd traveled almost 2 miles up a VERY steep trail. And I realized...I didn't even stop once to rest. I realized I had tapped into a strength I had already known once. You see, I ran cross country during my freshman year of high school. I did it to prove to myself and to all the assholes that I could go out for a sport and keep up. So I went out for the most grueling, demanding sport we had at Wright High School. We ran around 5 miles a day in practice. I finished every race, though was last at all but one meet (someone dropped out in Hardin, MT) - but I finished them. And I still remember the moment I finished my first race without stopping to walk and rest a moment. But at some point, I doubted myself enough that I lost that strength. I let the world and those around me convince myself that I was weak and incapable.

The ceremony was beautiful and amazing. I would have missed out on so much! And as we returned down the hill, my mind started in again, processing the experience. The trip down seemed like nothing, and I knew that if I had to, I could come back up the hill again as well. I noticed the grandeur and sheer awe-inspiring beauty of the trail on the way down; I couldn't see it on the way up, as I was too focused on the task at hand and just getting through a rough patch. And so, without further ado, are the condensed lessons for this epistle from the mount:

Sometimes, we have to endure the impossible to experience joy - or growth. I feel now as if I can accomplish ANYTHING, and all it took to get there was a near-death experience. ;) Beauty is always around us, even if we can't see it readily. We are never alone; even if we're not hearing support or encouragement - it's there. Strength exists. I don't own the strength I tapped into; I share in it. It exists in me, in those around me, and in the world itself. It's something we can call on anytime we need it. And remember, when in doubt: *One more step*

Did you miss me?

So it's been a while since I've posted. I've been busy. I know...we all say that, and it's usually true. It was a holiday weekend, so town was fairly dead and many friends were gone. Many were not, thankfully! Friday night was spent "partying like rock stars." Okay, so we're aging rockers, but we still had fun. There were martinis and Tuaca. There were boys and girls. There was my friend Joanna, who hasn't been home in almost 3 years. There was Joanna showing the 3 bi girls (kinda like Charlie's Angels, but more rainbowy) many bondage and toy sites on the net. There was T and Joanna swapping war stories from debate. There was T and me avoiding the naked girl pix on the computers, but keeping one eye out for interesting toys and bondage info. *innocent whistling* There was Bryski and I talking to Hope. All in all, it was a faboo night. "And it was good." I was reminded of how important friendship is, and how powerful it can be to simply sit and enjoy each other's company...even if you've just met. Thank you to all who were in attendance. To those who weren't: We'll catch you next time!

Saturday I got up early (for a Saturday) and went to Albertson's to staff a table for the SAFE Project. Getting up early and volunteering time must have done me some good. I went home and began the dreaded task of cleaning out the garage a bit. NerdyGirl came over and started working on the hot tub...cleaning was in order, though thanks to the snow the process is not yet complete. Rev. Furious came over to help, as he is moving into the spare room/office downstairs. His move forced my hand a bit on the garage (oh, shuddup, Rev. It was time to do it and was not an inconvenience!), but that's a good thing. I've been avoiding the garage purge for some time for several reasons. First was laziness. Second was fear of what I'd find! And probably the most motivating deterrent was not wanting to go through Mom's stuff. I was worried about what memories and pain it might bring up. That was foolish of me, I see now. Going through the boxes did bring up memories...but they were all happy. And I could feel Mom there with me, supporting me and smiling with me. Asking me why on earth did I keep THAT? Telling me I had two of something and that I should give one to someone in need (there will soon be a free shopping spree at GayMart).

Now I have a garage. I am very happy about this. VERY happy. And I'm glad my hand was forced, so to speak. A swift kick in the butt from the Universe was all it took, too. ;) So thanks to the Rev! You and the Powers That Be forced me to face a fear and grow/heal. Woohoo! And I can't tell you what a relief it is to walk past a clean garage. I've been opening the door just to look at it every time I go up or downstairs.

Sunday was a quiet day. I baked bread. Okay...I used the breadmachine to make bread, but it's still close enough! I had to wake up in the morning to do it! I went to a Very Ballard Easter with my friends/second family. Then I came home and vegged a bit. Watched some movies, wrestled the laptop unsuccessfully, and played with the pups. The laptop was, in fact, DOA. So I rebuilt it Monday morning when I got to work. No fun, I tell you. Oy what a Monday!

But again I survived it. And I get to go to a spirituality workshop this weekend! I'm excited about the changes in my life. A new prospect for employment. A new roomie. With a bird. A cleanish garage. Despite high stress levels, life is good.

Today's lesson: Hang in there. There is a reason for the shit in your life. If you just keep plodding through, rewards will appear. And usually before you expect them.

Nausea

http://www.casperstartribune.net/news/wyoming/6220bfffb98155f487256e700006f332.txt

I don't know whether to scream with rage or simply cry. More later when I can respond, rather than react.

I'm back(eth)

Good Morrow, Gentle Readers (and not-so-gentle readers too)! As the sun dawned lightly (and way too fucking early) over yon horizon, I thought (no, really!) to myself a touch of humour was needed this fine day. And behold! What should waiteth in mine Inbox but a bit of whit (and horror). I shall henceforth commence to share it, and there shall be much revelry!:

"The Washington Post Style Invitational contest asked readers to submit "instructions" for something (anything), written in the style of a famous person. The winning entry, by Jeff Brechlin of Potomac Falls, Maryland, was The Hokey Pokey as written by W. Shakespeare:"

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the Poke --- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

Now, wasn't that worth the pain and suffering of me over-inflating my language above? I knew you'd see it my way. So...another interesting weekend to deconstruct. Oh sit down and relax. Yes, I know it's hard to contain your glee. So let the destruction...er...deCONstruction commence.

As most of you know, I was in Pocatello, ID this weekend, helping them establish a SafeZone program at Idaho State University. First there was the trip into ID. The flight into Salt Lake was interesting. I'd never been to SLC before, and landing there in the dark was a bit sad to me, as I wanted to see the center of the LDS universe. I'd been told it was a very beautiful place, but sunset meant I wouldn't know yet. The flight was rough and short. We had 10 minute beverage service after the captain finally decided the air was smooth enough for the flight attendants to push a cart down the aisle without killing someone. The irony: they were about 5 minutes into the 10 minute process when the co-pilot came over the speakers to announce we were beginning our initial descent. I've never seen flight attendants move so quickly and efficiently. It was impressive and comical all at once.

As I walked from one concourse to another in SLC, I was feeling very out of place. LOTS of frumpy women. LOTS of missionaries. And LOTS of children running around harried parents. Now I have a number of LDS friends, many of whom don't fit the traditional "Mormon mold." This was spooky. Children-of-the-corn, Stepford-wife, We-are-the-borg-You-will-be-assimilated, they're-coming-to-take-me-away spooky. The upside? Lots of cute, clean-cut, strapping young lads running about. Yum. I wanted to find my gate before eating, and ended up not having time to actually find food, though I did text a few friends "I'm having Missionary for dinner...all you can eat buffet." What?! They looked tasty! And it reminded me of an episode of the Simpsons. "Mmm.....sacrilicious." Heh. Then they called my flight, and I made my way to the puddle jumper.

Let me say that I've flown in and out of Laramie once or twice in my day, and I no longer fear the often-turbulent, ever-noisy joy of small planes. I'm used to it and somewhat desensitized, I supposed. We took off almost on time, as a maintenance guy was repairing a few arm rests (after we were all boarded and seated, mind you) and delayed us about 5 minutes. We were in the air about 3 minutes when the pilot came on over the speakers and announced we had to return to SLC for a few "routine maintenance checks." The take off had been pretty bumpy, even by my standards, but it was night and we were flying out over the Great Salt Lake, so I figured weird thermals were possible and responsible. Ah, but no. We landed. We landed fast and hard. And there was a fire truck not too far off. When we pulled up to the gate and they shut the engines off (rather hastily, I might add), they confessed they'd been getting abnormal readings from the engines and that they turned us around because they were concerned. They quickly decided the problem wasn't a simple one, and that the plane would NOT be in the air that night. Bear in mind that we were supposed to land in ID at 10pm. So at 10:30 they finally decided they would pull a plane out of a hanger, fuel it, and run the maintenance checks. A happy thing, considering the alternative was for Scott to drive to SLC from Poicatello (2 hrs), pick me up, and drive me back. Getting in at 2am and then setting up for a training at 8am didn't sound happy. Midnight was bad enough, which is when I finally landed. The verdict on the plane: had we stayed in the air, we would have crashed. Nice, huh?

The session went very well. They had about 25 people show up to be trained as SZ facilitators, which is an impressive number. Most of them were straight, though there were a few gay guys and their lesbian (singular). Yes...they have one active, out lesbian student involved with any gay groups on campus. One. Yikes! From our conversations I gathered things at ISU are tense, especially where any form of diversity is concerned. I truly hope a SZ program will help create some dialogue. We had a great group of people there, and they were from all over the campus...and from a satellite campus 45 miles away too!

So now it's time for your favorite part: Lessons learned. 1) More songs should be written by William Shakespeare. 2) NO MORE songs should be written by Billy Boy. 3) Life is fragile and precious and we need to make the most of every single day. I know...duh. But once in a while the universe reaches out and gives you a gentle reminder (read: bitch slap) of such things. The trick is listening for the reminders and remember them after the lesson is done. School never lets out, we just change subjects. 4) As much as I sometimes grumble about the things we don't have here or the support I wish we had, it could be much worse. We do have a lot. Pocatello had some things I was truly jealous of. In the end, I was glad I am where I am, comparatively speaking. 5) I'm starting to feel like Doogie Howser, writing down what happened in my computer-based journal and then finishing with the moral of the story, closing out an episode neatly. The difference is that in life, there are episodes, and little is ever truly closed. It's more about balancing things out and finding truth and harmony in the darndest of places.

So there. Oh yeah...I'm waiting to hear more from a friend of mine. There could be a HUGE change in my life in the very near future. It developed over the weekend, and has my mind buzzing with hope, fear, and uncertainty. So if I'm a bit flaky in the immediate future, you'll know why. Well, sort of. I can't say more now, but suffice it to say that things are jumping and that I will blog about it exponentially when I can. "So tune back in later on the same 'mo-channel, same 'mo-time to see the exciting conclusion of today's episode!" (I love co-opting old TV shows!)