Some days...

...just make you cry.

Today...

...is the big day. Today I turn 29. Again. I wonder what 30 will feel like. Some day I'll find out. But not today.

Ups and downs

In two days I will be officially old, especially in gay terms/society. Work is blowing chunks in new ways. How have I kept from killing someone thus far? The secret is flying. No, I'm not jumping into a phone booth to don cape and tights. It's about kites. Though the wind has been a bit lax of late and has prevented me from getting aloft often or for long, I have had some great experiences. Yesterday Linus and I had a great deal of time aloft. I managed to fly both of my kites, thanks to an upswing in the wind speed later in the evening. I also managed to break one of my kites, though not irreparably so. A new leading edge stick, some repair tape on the fabric, and all should be well again for the Fanatic. Despite the damaged baby, flying was great last night, though the winds were STRANGE: choppy, gusty, shifty. I find that flying relaxes me...makes me focus on something other than work, the fact that I STILL haven't mowed the lawn, or that I'm about to be stomped on at the beginning of semester. It gives me a sense of near athletic abilty. I can be graceful with a kite. It's something tangible. Something I can control. Today's lesson: find something that relaxes or enthralls you. Spend time with it. Escaping isn't good ALL the time, but it's a healthy to do so once in a while. Inside, outside...doesn't matter. Just pull back away for the briefest of moments. You'll find it helps you cope with the stress in the long run.

A happy thought

Today the Executive Board of Spectrum received an email. I wanted to share it with you, as I know I really needed a happy thought for the day. I give it to you as written, spelling errors and all:

i have seen the HBO special about matt and it has changed my opinion on many things. I myself once gave the gays at school a hard time, i have now tried to make it up to them, when asked why ihave changed i said because of matt. They then asked who he was and i said they should read his story for themselves. I thank matt for showing me in his own way how i was wrong. I am currently a senior in highschool
sincerly,
Jason

It's that time of year again

You know the one...where students are about to come back to school and my job becomes abnormally painful. So here is the standard and blanket disclaimer: For the next 2 months, I will likely be tired, cranky, overly emotional, and fire-breathing BITCH. I do apologize in advance if I accidentally take off your head, jump down your throat, or slight you by a disinterest in doing what you dream up. I am already putting far more than the usual 40 hour weeks, and it will only get worse as the semester gets closer. I do still love you all, and want to spend time with you. Just know that when I say no, it might be because I'm too tired, or because I know I am in far too foul a mood to be in the presence of others. I'd rather be reclusive than hang out when I am almost certain to say something I regret. That being said, there will no doubt be occasions when I NEED to drink heavily, call Hope, or otherwise be social before I find a belltower with a high powered weapon. ;) Contributions to my deliquency during these times is greatly appreciated. My friends always do their best to keep me (in)sane during this time of year, and I love you all for it. Love you more than my luggage!

Another little something I did...

Since Snakehead nudged, I managed to dash out another image. Deliberately unfinished, as I'm experimenting a bit with different styles.

No sense at all

That's what my mom used to say about people standing out in the rain. While I see her point, sometimes it's nice to be a bit foolish. On Sunday we had a nice torrential downpour in West Laramie. Something came over me. I decided I needed to be standing in the rain...so I did. I was having a day of housework, so I was wearing a sarong. I stepped out onto the back deck and let the chilled rain wash over me. It didn't take long before my hair was wet like I had recently had a shower. The puppies stayed just inside the house, looking at me as though I was daft. Perhaps I was, but it felt very good to play in the rain. I felt a connection back to nature. And back to myself. I felt like I was releasing my inner child, who didn't have enough sense to stay in out of the rain. It's not every day we can be warm enough in the rain here in Laramie. I'm not claiming it was a nice warm rain, but it was a refreshing one at least. And so the missive for today is to do something kid-like. Roll down a hill, point out the shapes of clouds for hours, eat your dessert first, go rollerskating...do something just for the fun of it! You'll be surprised how good it can feel, even if the rain could be a bit warmer at 7200 feet.

Go Southwest Pink Sub

Once upon a time there was a beautiful pink princess. She was a most special girl, and touched the lives of everyone she met. She always had a smile for those around her, and lived within her heart. She shared her love for others easily. Her life had not always been happy, and she had endured much...as so many others have as well. She did not let this stop her, however, and each day she continued to be herself. She became more and more comfortable with herself, and one day was ready to undertake a most important quest. She would have to rely on herself, though she knew her many friends would always be with her. Though she was uncertain and even a little bit frightened, she set out on her journey. Placing one foot in front of the other, she began. Her journey was to be a wonderful adventure, but it is a tale that must be told over time. A good story always takes time.

Good luck my beautiful girl. My Grace. We love you and are with you. Always.

We ALL have pain...

Most of us carry a deep-seated, private pain around inside. There is something that is so close and personal that we dare not share it with others. Occasionally, we meet that rare someone who is so special...so much a part of us, that we can share that deepest pain with them freely. With them, we can rip open our souls and lay them bare before another. This is love in its purest form. It is not always found coupled with romantic love, as the two are somewhat mutually exclusive.

We need not fear this pain, as it is a part of us. Without darkness, we cannot truly appreciate the light. We can learn to drawn hope and strength from the presence of the pain. For we know that there is at least one person out there with whom we can share it... finally be purely ourselves. If we remember that fact, and focus on it when the pain seems too much, we are reminded to continue searching. To find those special few...for there may always be one more. The search is its own reward. It is an adventure. And along the path, we may find something...or someone...priceless along the way.

And so, for the first lesson in a long time, I offer this: Be glad that you have pain. For it causes growth, and strength, and hope. Don't seek out pain, as enough will come to you naturally. It is the way of the Universe. Take your pain and use it to keep searching for a person with whom to release it. Then begin again.

Let's get published, shall we?

I am feeling an overwhelming urge to blog today, though I freely admit I have no clue what to put down in words. AH! Perhaps my good news, though nothing is in concrete yet. I've been asked by a professor in the African American Studies department to write a chapter for his new diversity textbook. It's titled "In Your Face Etiquette 101: How to Avoid Enraging Underrepresented Groups" and is going to be written in a personal, conversational tone. Since I've spoken to his Intro class a few times, he thought of me when it came time to write a Big Gay Chapter. I'm really excited about the opportunity! I'm playing tag with the professor in question, as he's bouncing between Laramie and Arizona while he cares for his mother. As soon as I can touch base with him though, I'm going to sign on!

I also spoke with Romaine recently. Her new book is finished, and will be released in October. She tells me there is a chapter simply titled "Jim." Here's hoping she writes good things about me... ;)

Today just pisses me off

Well, you know you must be doing something right when you piss off the Vatican.
http://www.lifesite.net/ldn/2005/jul/05071301.html

And Bush is seeking advice from an old friend of the GLBT community (sorry if the sarcasm stains...try club soda to get that out) on the Supreme Court vacancies
http://hrc.org/Template.cfm?Section=Press_Room&CONTENTID=27896&TEMPLATE=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm

A friend of mine is going through hell with family now. Though I don't think he reads the blog, I'm sending out happy vibes for him. He needs them. Love you S.

Nerdygirl has been put through the ringer, with a job falling through and a stolen wallet. Thankfully, the finances should be coped with and she has a new job. Wootwoot!

I learned last night that my newly-found, happy and secure Hope supplier has decided to retire. Thankfully, I shouldn't be dry for a month or so. Time to get greedy and ration-y. *sigh*

W is still in office. What more reason do you need?

Post 126 - Another piece of art (?)

You may have noticed the nifty thumbnail sized pictures here on my blog. One of them is an AP photo taken from when I was an angel at the trials of Matthew Shepard's murderers. Well, I went back to my digital art program and worked up this little gem. It's intentionally rougher than some of the others. I didn't want any one face to overpower...and faces are TOUGH without much more precise editing programs. Since this is just a time-killing hobby, I don't plan to get beefier software. So I hope you enjoy a digital oil rendering of "Angel Action," circa 1999.

Memorium

I miss you mom.

I have a fan!

Apparently Snakehead commands more artwork. So here's another little bit I did. It's from San Diego, and is the oldest school in the California. While it's not another hot guy, I am rather proud of it. I had to do a lot of detail work to finish it, so I hope you enjoy!

Go West Young Nerd

We salute our Locutus of Blog, Abra, as she joins the ranks of the graduated and begins her life in Seattle. We send her off with open hearts and our warmest of wishes. Take luck and enjoy your adventures, NerdyGirl, but remember we are only a blog post away.

The Pride Recap

As some of you are aware, as Empress of Gayness for Wyoming I felt it my duty to represent Laramie properly at Pride last weekend. Here's a quick recap of the weekend.

Saturday

• Heard from Scott: he couldn't go along, as work wouldn't let him off. Decided to go alone after all, as I needed to get the hell out of town before I killed someone.
• Drop puppies off at the vet's for shots and boarding at 10am Leave town by 10:30am
• Get stuck in construction/accident traffic south of Cheyenne. Don't care, as the mood is already lightened and the gay dance music is blasting. Roll down windows and open sunroof to work on tan and enjoy fresh air while parked for 30 minutes on I-25
• Some new clothes, which were needed anyway, on the way south
• Arrival at Jerry's condo at 2pm- cute place. Made myself a cosmo while waiting for the "girls" to show up.
• Jerry and Chuck showed up, and we went out to the pool with their neighbors Mary and Megan. Drinking commenced poolside at about 2:30pm - frozen cosmos! We finished off a new bucket easily.
• Ed and Shawn arrived about 4pm
• 5pm: Change of clothes, and off to dinner - a faboo Mexican restaurant. Margaritas may have been involved.
• Off to BJ's Carousel, a bar that was featuring some scary drag. Long Beach Iced Tea's were involved. After 30 minutes of scary drag, we left.
• On to the Wrangler - Free drinks from 10-11pm if you took off your shirt. I happily paid for my drinks.
• Needless to say, I was blissfully intoxicated by this point. Something may have happened on the patio, but none of the bitches who are aware will say shit, right? Remember...you like my house and my bar. And you fear me.
• Quick Batman....to Charlie's! There we met up with more of the Laramie crew. More Long Beaches. And Jemai, a gorgeous black man who flirted shamelessly with most of us. And unexepectedly bit my nipple - hard. OUCH. I don't like pain. It hurts me. I did, however, like Jemai. ;)
• The bar closed at about 2am, and Travis drove me back "home." 12 hours of drinking. Woohoo!

Sunday

• Wake up way too early. 3-4 hours of sleep is NOT enough, even at the tender age of 29.
• Drive my sleepy self near the park to watch the parade with Jerry and Chuck. We had viewing stands. And mimosas.
• Walk behind the parade and meet up with most everyone at some point.
• Damn it's hot. Walk around looking at booths and all the men running around in next to nothing. Tasty!
• Wander over for lunch at Subway on the 16th street mall and a nice cold (and coffee-laden) Charbucks Frapaccino.
• A bit more wandering, then the loooooong walk back to the car. Exhaustion + heat = sleepy. Drive self back to condo.
• Meet back up with Mary, Chuck, Jerry, and Shawn for more pool fun. No cocktails. Yet.
• It starts to rain late in the afternoon, so we went inside and watched a movie. Well, I watched one while everyone else drifted in and out of naps.
• Everyone leaves. Shawn and I decide we're going out again, so it's off to dinner at the Hard Rock. Drinks called a "Purple Haze" were involved. Yummy stuff!
• To Charlie's, to meet up with Robert and Joey from Gillette. Travis and everyone else from Laramie wussed out on us.
• Meet up with a blast from Laramie. He was creepy up here, and was creepy while drunk in Denver. He also played with my nipples. What is it about Charlie's?
• Meet fun people from Casper. Head to Tracks. Discover (after we're inside and had paid the cover) that it was "Chocolate Sunday." In other words, we were some of the few white people there.
• Meet up with other folks from Laramie. Dance our asses off. Marathon style. Went up on the stage, even. I got complimented twice for my dancing. I was surprised, but quite pleased. Much dirty dancing went on. As did a fair amount of drinking.
• Closed the bar. Gabbed in the parking lot with our new friends from the club for a while.
• Shawn and I drove back to the condo, where we crashed out hardcore.

Monday

• Wake up about 8:30am. Had more sleep, but still not a lot.
• Meet Travis and Jason at the drag store at 10am.
• Spend 2 hours and $200 on shoes, a wig, a corset, stockings, and a hat. Had a blast.
• Drive back to Laramie.
• Pick up puppies from the vet. $180, most of which was shots and vet checkup, not the boarding.
• Drop off puppies and luggage at home. Drive to Family Planning. Put on shoes to show of the new goodies. Fall down. Dammit.
• Go back home, cook dinner, watch a little TV. Catch up on the 200 emails I didn't check over the weekend. Go to bed. PASS OUT.

By request

Here you go Snakehead. A picture of California, even! This is a rendering of the view from the back deck of the condo in Laguna Niguel, where we stayed on vacation last summer. One from San Diego might be next.

Consciousness Purge

Some times you just feel lost, even when you're found. That's been the case for me lately. I go to work and I know I'm just going through the motions. I can't find motivation to move onto the next project. I go home, and nothing is different. I feel lonely, even when I'm not alone. That age is approaching. We joke about it, but have I accomplished what I should have by now? Am I where I should be? Am I where I want to be? I'm still single. My longest relationship is still only a month and half. Not for a lack of trying. Those I'm interested in aren't single. Not that I'm in their league anyway. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Or at least I wanted to go back to bed when I was awake. I can't force myself to do yardwork to save my soul. I know I'd like to see it done, but I can't find the motivation to do it. I don't feel mired down in depression or pity. I just feel...anxious. Like I'm in a zone of surrealism. Absurdity. Pointlessness. Confusion, perhaps? I want a vacation. But can't afford one. Time is passing slowly today; it's going to be a long day, no doubt. It's official. An acute case of the blahs.

Pain

Yesterday the lawn care commandos mobilized at Ruby Slippers and beat the yard into a better condition. Mark and Linus attacked the trees with fervor, and they look much better now! Two truckloads of limbs to the city brush pile later, even. Abra and Tessa pulled weeds, re-caulked the bathtub, and played with round-up. I raked for 2 hours, pulled weeds, and hauled branches to the brush pile. Though she was late due to family obligations, Mandy showed up and helped tidy up the aftermath. All in all, it was a good day, and a fair chunk of necessary yard work was accomplished. There is still plenty to be done, but I wanted to say thanks (publicly) to my fabulous friends for helping out. And I also wanted to share a faboo picture I got today. I think it will make the flock smile. It's a photo of our old "friend" Fred Phelps. Enjoy!

The Interview Game

Here are The Official Interview Game Rules:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Questions Linus asked me:

1) Turbo and Reese suddenly develop the ability to talk. What secrets are you most worried that they will tell someone?
Hmm...I think I'd be more worried they'd start describing those things they've seen that people already suspect. What happens when the lights go out, things like that.

2) If you had to pick only one for the rest of your life, would it be Margarita or Mojito?
Mojitos. They seem to be much more gay, and are sweeter. Besides, NerdyGirl would prefer my southern accent being triggered rather than the invocation of Lupe.

3) It starts raining men. How do you collect as many as possible?
Well, the ones in the back yard should be pretty much contained. Open the windows to the hot tub gazebo and let a few angle into the bubbly water. And corral the ones that run off the roof and down the front drain. Bottom line: keep 'em in the house...where ya want 'em most!

4) You awake to find that the domain merge has only been a dream - it is actually scheduled to begin tomorrow. What do you do?
Call in sick and begin drinking heavily. Then go back to bed.

5) You are asked to join the team on Queer Eye - what is your area of expertise? Social awareness? Sense of humor? Lechery?