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Wednesday, October 12, 2011 An open letter to an old friendMatt, It's been 13 years since I last saw you. Well, 13 years and 5 days to be exact. Since that night. A part of me will always wonder - if I had said or done something differently, would things have turned out differently? I try not to dwell on that thought, as it only serves to tear open old wounds. I think about you so often, though - pretty much every day. Sometimes I hear a song, or look at a picture, or notice a post on Facebook from a mutual friend. It'd be a lie if I said it didn't still hurt. I was just getting to know you - and it wasn't enough. But then I try to focus on all the good that has come about since your murder. You wouldn't recognize campus these days. First, we have a Rainbow Resource Center. And two GLBTQ student groups. The Federal hate crimes law was finally passed - with your name on it. I try to focus on the people who have come into my life because of you. I get to see your parents and brother this weekend at the Bear dinner. They have been amazing, and continue to inspire me. Many documentarians have become friends - or family. How cool are your friends from Switzerland?! I've traveled around the country speaking at colleges, universities, and high schools. Not nearly as many as your mom has, but I know it makes a difference. I've met many folks who are part of a production of The Laramie Project - students, directors, set designers. They all agree on something - your story and the play have touched their lives. They think about people differently. They're called to be more involved. All because of someone they never met. That has such power for them...and that's a big part of what keeps me going. I'm tired, Matt. I'm tired of having to keep speaking, of having to keep telling people the FACTS, not the garbage put out by 20/20. Just two nights ago I was over at a friend's house, and met someone who claims she was your "bestie." She didn't seem old enough, but I didn't call her out on it - I was a guest in my friend's house, and didn't want to be rude. She started talking about how it was really about drugs. And about how your mom has made "so much money" off of you. That was just too far, and I sure as hell spoke up about then. And I always will. No matter how tired I get of speaking out, I always will. I will go wherever someone sends for me. I will repeat myself endlessly, reviewing the facts and truth - trying to counter the myths and inaccuracies whenever I can. I'll do it because it's the right thing to do. It's a way I can continue to make a difference. And I'll do it because I promised you I would. Because you continue to inspire me. To look at everyone as a person first. To get involved and make a difference. To appreciate the time I have with loved ones, as it is finite. Because my life is better having known you. You STILL give me wings.
Friday, January 28, 2011 Oh, that's tacky....that's REALLY tacky...Recently bills have been introduced to the Wyoming legislature that would prevent the state from recognizing same-sex marriages or civil unions performed in other states. Obviously, this doesn't sit well with yours truly. Jesse and I have planned to get married on paper again in a state where it's legal. We don't know how much protection it would offer us, but we know how many rights and privileges are on the line, and we're willing to roll the dice. During the debates, the usual rhetoric showed up as expected: we're protecting traditional marriage, Bible blah blah blah, it's a sacrament, Adam and Eve, etc. At one point, claims were also made that the bill was really about protecting Wyoming's children, because kids do best when there's a mommy and a daddy. Everyone knows that, right? Except the mountain of scientific studies that show it's about caring, involved parents, regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc. And if this was really about "protecting kids," why didn't the bill try to outlaw divorce? Or require that couples be fertile before they get married? Would a tubal ligation then act as an annulment? I'm still holding out faith that reason and sanity will set in before it's too late, and that the bill will be stricken down before it ever comes up to a public vote. But that's not all that has frustrated me about the debates. Usually, I have little reason to get snarky with activists who are trying to prevent a bad law from being passed. But a few emails went out from folks in Wyoming Equality that have me seething at both sides. I got an official message directing folks to contact their Representatives about the bill and urge them to vote no. Pretty standard stuff, right? Except for these words: "You don't have to mention that you are GLBT. In fact it may help if you don't." The first part is quite true...nobody should feel compelled to come out; straight people have as much reason to be cheezed about these horrid bills as the rainbow crowd. But HOW DARE anyone suggest that I should go back in the closet?! HOW DARE the statewide GLBTQ group advise people, albeit in "soft language," that they should be less than proud of or honest about their lives? Shouldn't the legislators also be told that there ARE GLBT people living in Wyoming? In their districts? That we're concerned and involved in the political process like our straight neighbors? SHAME. The irony was not lost on me when, just three days later, another message praised everyone for their efforts. It raved about the impact that personal stories had in changing some votes, though not enough. It mentioned that several Reps received "not just one, but dozens of emails this weekend from GLBT people for the first time in their life." Well, I guess it's a good thing that not everyone followed the advice you sent out earlier then, isn't it? Had everyone stayed in the closet, our lawmakers might not have gotten the message that we are here and are paying attention. That they represent us too, not just the straight white conservative religious types. And then it got even worse. The next line was, I REALLY hope, intended as a joke: "In fact, the Catholic households were so shocked, they had to haul their computers to church to get them blessed with Holy Water." Are you fucking kidding me?! Way to reinforce stigma and stereotype that religion and gays don't mix. It's not just the Catholics voting for these bills, and there are plenty of pissed off Catholics fighting against them. So why single out a religion this way, possibly alienating some who were supportive...or thinking about being so? I get why you might try to slip in a funny bit - something to lighten the mood and keep people's spirits up. But this just wasn't funny. It was divisive, rude, and insensitive. In sending messages to remind people we're supposed to be the Equality State, they managed show just how intolerant the GLBTQ community can still be. Rather than trying to bridge gaps, they quipped about them. Don't get me wrong...I'm not afraid of using humor to my advantage, but it's about common sense. Considering the time and place...the audience. The purpose. If you're trying to rally people to your cause, don't start by joking that every Catholic out there is scared to get an email from a homo and that they have to start praying. I will give credit where it's due, though. The messages contained logical, effective talking points. They mobilized quickly to inform folks, get out the names of folks to call, and ways to get involved. I just happen to think they gave slap in the face to many GLBTQ and spiritual folks out there in the process. I'd like to believe that we're better than that, or we're going to have to put an asterisk on the rainbow flag here in Wyoming too.
Monday, October 11, 2010 Yup, still gay...Today is National Coming Out Day. I know - my being gay is one of the worst kept secrets since Watergate, but here I am...coming out. Again. Coming out is one of the best things I ever did for myself. I spent so many years hiding in fear, worrying about what people would think of me, who would disown me, how safe I would be...well, THAT list was a long one, so I won't go through every crazy notion that ran through my brain. I still clearly remember the night I finally said the words...well, typed them, actually. I was talking online to my friend Jessa at Washington College back east. It was early Spring, and I was about to get on a plane to meet my friends in Chestertown, MD. I had been building up the courage to come out for a while, largely due to a group of progressive and outspoken friends. When I learned that some of them were members of the GLBT student group on campus and that I had lucked into unknowingly befriending officers, I was terrified and exhilerated all at once. That night, I typed in the words that would change my life forever. I remember crying as I spent two minutes staring at the words I had typed in; I remember the panic as I finally hit "Enter" to send the message into the cybervoid. And I remember the relief as Jessa wrote back a simple "And?" She went on to explain that she was honored I trusted her with the info, but it honestly didn't make any difference to her. She loved me for who I was, and said she simply knew something more about me. That trip was such a turning point. For the first time I could watch ER with friends and when one commented "Isn't Noah Wyle so cute as Dr. Carter?" I could simply say "Yeah, isn't he?" It was no big deal, and that was a whole new world to me. I spent a week there, letting my personality expand slowly as I peeked out from behind the closet door. It was such a liberating experience, and I almost didn't get on the plane to come back to Wyoming. I almost turned my back on a full-ride scholarship, my friends, family, job....everything. All because I got to be me...fully and freely. I often hear comments like "why do you have to flaunt it so much" or "do you have to shove it in people's faces?" I especially love hearing that from someone wearing a wedding or engagement ring, or someone with family photos on their desk or wall. Isn't THAT flaunting your heterosexuality too? If straight people have the right to talk openly about their husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc., so do I. I shouldn't have to worry about how someone will react when I introduce Jesse as my husband. I'm not going to hide my life because other people can't deal with it. NCOD is always a sad time of year for me, though, as it's a reminder that tomorrow is the anniversary of Matt's death. This year has been especially tough: there have been seven GLBT suicides in the news lately. Young people who were bullied, called names, broadcast publicly, or otherwise socially abused. I can't quite explain how much it hurts me to hear of GLBTQ people taking their own lives at a time when I'm constantly reminded of someone taken out of the world too soon. Someone I can't get to know better. When I was in 9th grade, I almost killed myself. I had listened to one too many people tell me how horrible gay people were. That I couldn't be a teacher or a father. That I was going to be a child molester, was going to get AIDS, and would never find true love because it was all about a never-ending string of anonymous hookups. So one day, I woke up ready to take every pill in the house. Thankfully, the Universe had other plans, because my best friend called me to drive into Gillette and do something fun. I figured, "sure, why not? I can just take the pills when I get home." I truly don't remember what we did that day, but I remember that it was indeed a good day. When I got home, I realized that had I gone through with my plan, I would have missed out on that good day. And that even though there seemed to be so many bad days or moments, the good ones meant that much more to me. It took me a long time to dig out of the dark hole of despair I had created, but I did it. There were more dark days, and some VERY dark days. But it did get better. And here I am today. I own my own home and I got married to a wonderful man this summer . Not only do I have a job, but I have a job I enjoy...and I got it BECAUSE of my diversity. I have some of the most amazing friends on the planet, and I wouldn't have met them if I'd never come out. I wouldn't have met Matt...or his family. I wouldn't have met Jesse, or his family. And I would still be sad and scared, hiding in a closet of my own creation. And that's why I'm here, coming out all over again. I'm coming out because I can, and I know there are many out there who still can't. Because it's too scary, because it's not safe, or because it's not the right time. Coming out for the first time can be a big deal, and it's a personal decision that everyone must make for themselves. It's why I don't shout "come out, come out, wherever you are" from the rooftops. But I hope that my shouting it helps others understand that they're not alone. And that it does get better. So happy National Coming Out Day. Hopefully you can join us out here...the lighting is so much better. But if you're still not ready or able, it's okay. We'll save you a seat at our table. In the meantime, call the Trevor Project (www.thetrevorproject.org) if you need help. You're worth it. Just promise me that you'll still be around for dinner when the time comes...
Wednesday, September 29, 2010 When is it enough?I'm having a hard time containing rage this morning. Recently we've seen some movement on issues like Don't Ask/Don't Tell, gay marriage, GLBTQ adoption and parenting, etc. We continue to make progress and move toward fairness and equality, but as other stories stack up, it's not enough. News came today that a third student within a month died after committing suicide. Their stories are all tragic, and for so many GLBTQ people...all too familiar. They faced taunting, teasing, and bullying. Often when they finally spoke out and tried to get help from those around them, their pleas fell on deaf ears. It appears that schools didn't do enough to protect or support them. A Serbian man is heading back to court, fighting for asylum...and his life. He was beaten in school, attacked and disowned by his father, raped and abused in the military, and is now facing being sent back. Why is he heading BACK to court? Because the original judge denied his request, stating that he didn't seem obviously gay and so shouldn't be at as much risk as he was claiming. How is that so many politicians, clergy, and citizens around the country don't "get it" when an 11 year old boy has a broken arm and may require surgery? His crime? He's a cheerleader, and that's not manly enough. Even though there are 40,000 male cheerleaders in high schools and colleges around the country, our antiquated expectations of masculinity are still so strong that people feel justified in hate and violence. He talks about loving the tumbling and cheering on his friends...and got a cast as a reward. How much blood has to be spilled? How many bones must be broken? And how many of our children must end their lives to avoid the pain before people truly begin to wake up? We need to stop allowing religious zealots from imposing their particular flavor of morals on everyone else, especially by dumping money at ballot initiatives. We need to stop allowing people to claim we're pedophiles and that we're trying to destroy America's families and values. I've been talking about these issues for years now, and I've always tried to be respectful of other people's viewpoints. Each day, those viewpoints are now causing more pain and injury than ever before. And I'm pissed about it. I've often reminded people that when we begin to make progress, there is usually a backlash in response. During the civil rights and women's rights movements, there came a point at which violence increased. It's a desperate response, designed to send us running back to the closet in fear. I hope it's also a clarion call for fair-minded (and humane) people everywhere. Holding onto the hate and bias against GLBTQ is literally killing us. The name calling, the bullying, the attacks, the denial of rights...they all weigh on us. They weigh on your children. Your nephews and nieces. The neighbor kid down the street. They weigh on your siblings, your coworkers, and your classmates. Gay people are everywhere, and that's not going to change. If the bruises and bloodshed aren't a clear enough signal that something is wrong and MUST change, I don't know what more it will take. Also know that we have limits to our patience. I can't quite find words to explain the depths of my rage and sadness right now. Part of me wants to walk up and slap the face of people who continue to spread venom and hatred. Part of me says violence is not the answer. Most of me wants to scream from the rooftops with a bullhorn until people understand that your words and inaction can and do cause as much pain as actual violence. That if you keep it up, it might be your cousin who next hangs herself from a tree. It might be your son who's beaten by a group of 4 other students. That if he fits one too many of the stereotypes, it won't really matter whether he's actually straight or not...and you will have only yourselves to thank. How long before people realize on a fundamental level that nobody deserves to be hurt because of who they are or what they believe? If you don't get that simplest of concepts, I say you fail at life. "Go stand in the corner and think about what you've done" doesn't seem to cut the mustard in this case. This is dumb, and I'm tired of wasting time and breath on something so obvious and basic. Today's lesson: Realize that even people you don't agree with or even like are PEOPLE too. Get over it, or get the fuck off our planet so the rest of us can get on with the myriad of other problems we've got to fix. Update on Oct 1: I wanted to post a great video too. There are several posts out there with the "It Gets Better" Project. This is my favorite, from San Francisco.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010 The single post (for Jerry)There's been so much going on lately, and so much going on inside my brain.
For the last year or so, I've been working to plan, organize, and strap together a fabulous yet affordable wedding. So here were are about 4 days before the big event. The garage has been exorcised, the defunct hot tub cut out and replaced with decking, the yard weeded and planted, the house scrubbed and buffed, and everything else has been dusted,vacuumed, polished, wiped, or otherwise spiffed up. I did the invitations, the website, the programs, and all the fun paperwork type stuff. I don't know where'd we'd be if Jesse's mom hadn't volunteered to take care of the reception food and decorations! To say that I've been busy and stressed would be a gross understatement. I've been so lucky to have a host of friends remind me that all will be well, that only the "I do" part really matters, and that we don't have to do everything alone. So many of our friends are helping out with photos, video, music, webcasting, flowers, cakes...we're humbled and amazed at the family we've created here. It means so much that so many are coming to be with us, and we can't wait to see the smiling faces we've missed for weeks or years... Everyone asks if I'm nervous yet. I am, but not about marrying Jesse. That's the one thing I'm not stressing over. It's the details and planning and "what if's..." I've been in enough weddings to know that things WILL go wrong...and they have. I know that we will reach a point where something with either happen or it won't; the big stuff is all pretty much nailed down, so the rest is just details. Truth be told, we'll be so glad when this whole hooplah is behind us, and we can get back to normality... We're looking forward to the party, but also a week on a cruise ship without any contact with "back home." Bring on the sun, sand, and cocktails! I don't know that I expect to feel any different after the wedding is all over, but I know that I can't wait to live out this day we've spent so much time planning. It won't be perfect, of course, but it will be perfectly us. And I will be the luckiest man around...I know, it's cliche, but it's what's racing through my mind now. So for now, I'll sign off so that I can finish the list of wedding photos. That's about all that's left other than setting my out of office message and forwarding the phone. Two weeks to focus on my life without worrying about work...how lucky can a girl get?
Friday, May 14, 2010 Dear Pope...I've had it. Nobody, including myself, should be surprised that the Pope is anti-gay and pointedly opposed to gay marriage. I disagree with him (a LOT), but I've had just about enough. Same sex marriages are apparently "insidious" and "dangerous." For some reason, the family unit itself must be protected from the threat we pose to the common good. Mr. Pope, with all due respect (and that's a pretty small amount by now), fuck you! I'm tired of someone with a past connection to the Nazi party judging others (lest ye be...dot dot dot). Stop distracting folks from the issues you SHOULD be focused on. I'm tired of someone who has helped hide truly prolific pedophile priests getting his holy panties in a bunch because I want the same rights everyone else enjoys. Stop blaming us...being gay is NOT the same thing as being a pedophile. Just ask the APA, AMA, and countless other groups. They're smart people, and have been studying the issue for some time. I agree that we're facing huge problems in the world today. Terrorism, damage to our environment, unstable economies, the AIDS crisis, cancer, access to health care...they're all serious problems that we need to address NOW by working together across whatever lines might divide us. But how will having legal recognition for my relationship destroy the time/space continuum? Belgium, Holland, Sweden, Norway, and Canada have had it for a while...and NOTHING happened. The divorce rates didn't spike. The marriage rates didn't plunge. There wasn't an explosion of orphans. Or famine, plague, war, etc. And let's take a moment to get something clear: you don't OWN marriage. Even in modern society, a church isn't required to get married. You can go to a justice of the peace or a judge pretty much anywhere. Marriage means different things in different cultures, and NO church has the right to say this is what marriage is supposed to be about for ALL people. It's been about property, politics, family status, wealth, land...and sometimes even love. You do not have the right to say that my love or my family isn't real because it doesn't match your definition. So back the train up, your "holiness." Why don't you spend some time getting your own house in order before you worry about what's going on in mine? Why don't you focus your considerable influence (and treasury) on helping feed and shelter the homeless? Or providing care for the sick? In short...why don't you use your powers for good? Stop wasting your time defaming love...you know, that word that gets used a lot in the Bible? That's supposed to be the cornerstone of your entire faith? Ringing any bells yet? Please stop manufacturing fear, spreading hurtful lies, and trying to keep people from loving one another...it's just rude.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010 Time to Smite the MortalsIt's probably a very good thing I don't actually have this power, because the list of smite-ees would be long indeed. Granted I've been getting over a cold and had a sick honey, so I might be overly cranky. Lately the things making me more testy have to do with overreaction from uninformed loudmouths. UW's Social Justice Research Center had announced it was bringing Bill Ayers to campus to speak. He is a VERY controversial figure, to be sure, but was coming to speak about education reform, not war or bombs. When the news got out, there was certainly plenty of public...comment. His speech was cancelled soon after... again, to the tune of much comment. I made a point of reading the articles and public comments on the Boomerang website, and they made me quite sad. One side of the debate ranted about how taxpayer money could be used to pay a terrorist to speak to our poor, impressionable youth. Many threatened to stop donating to UW, called for the resignation of the President and the SJRC Chair, and/or generally threw a hissy fit about "liberals" and "socialists" trying to take over everything and brainwash everyone. Some said they wouldn't consider sending their kids to Laramie for school if someone so horrid as Ayers was allowed on campus. Others said he should be turned away at the Colorado border, and some suggested anyone who wanted to hear him should leave too. The other side went nutty when the speech was cancelled. They accused UW and the SJRC of caving in to outside pressure, being only focused on making more money, and destroying any hope of free speech. They howled about how UW let Dick Cheney speak on campus and accepted a pile of money, usually referring to him as a war criminal. The press releases said that professional and security concerns were the reason his visit was cancelled, and that sent the "Let him speak"ers into a tizzy even more. "It wasn't a problem for Cheney," they said. Folks on both sides got rather out of control, as seems to be the norm for political or controversial debates these days. They engaged in name-calling, fear mongering, and rested their arguments on the worst logical fallacies. People posted under names like "KillBill," "NoInfringment," "Fire Rios ASAP," and "SocialismSucks." In short...they behaved like 5 year olds. Both sides told the other that they didn't know what they were talking about, blamed them for all the country's woes, and were frothing-at-the-mouth mad. Maybe my problem is that I can see both sides of the issue. I understand why people were upset about Ayers' visit. I also understand why people wanted to hear him speak. I also know something about being in the center of controversy...and having to deal with security concerns. I have to admit that I do not have specific knowledge about threats that were made privately to UW or the SJRC's director, Francisco Rios. I do know what I've heard people say around town and what I read on comment forums online, and can only imagine how much further anonymous messages went. When someone threatens your life or your family, it's hard not to think twice about moving forward. I had some real gems when we did Angel Action. I had more with anniversaries of Matt's death, other protests by Phelps, or articles that were published. I ignored them because it was ME on the line. If the threats had been against my family or friends, things might have been different. I refuse to judge Francisco for cancelling the event because I don't know what went into his decision. I'm sure it wasn't made lightly, quickly, or easily. I know what I saw online, and that even more nasty messages were removed. What else was removed? Threats to bomb the speech? To bomb Francisco or his family? The SJRC? Innocent students and community members who made the mistake of attending? How far would you push if others might be at risk? I also understand that standing up for what's right is always important, not just when it's safe or easy to do it. But what else would have been involved? How much security would have been necessary to ensure everyone's safety? How much would it have cost the University? Most of the threats I received were from anonymous folks living who knows where, usuing aliases like "Dr. Giggles." There was one that scared me, though. It was from a UW student...someone local. It was a veiled, non-specific threat. The type that's hard to prepare for and equally hard to imagine...but hard not to take seriously. There's a reason there were snipers on the rooftops at the courthouse and Union when Phelps and the Angels were in action. In today's Branding Iron, mixed in with even more letter about the Ayers cancellation, was a letter to the editor from a UW student. She claims that a session at the Shepard Symposium condones the bashing of religion. The session in question is centered around a documentary film that includes criticism of James Dobson of Focus on the Family fame. I should note that the film hasn't played in Laramie before. I suppose it's possible that she saw it somewhere else, but suspect it's more likely she's made up her mind about what the film says without even seeing it. The irony is that in her letter, she talks about how "whenever you tell one group that another is spewing hate and hateful actions, it is a recipe for creating hatred, not to mention discrimination, violations of rights and violent civil action." She then proceeds to finish her letter by saying that our "state institution" is "monstrasizing (sic) a faith." Didn't you just say this film, which you've never seen, is hate speech? While in the same breath saying you shouldn't say someone else hates? If you don't like that particular session, don't go. I happen to agree that Dobson is a hate monger, though I'm pretty sure she doesn't, but that doesn't mean I think all Christians are haters. It also just so happens that I know the filmmaker in question. She works at DU, and I encouraged her to submit the film as a session for consideration to the Symposium. I admit that I have not seen the film myself yet, but also know that as a documentarian, human being, and devout Christian, Sheila did not create a project that bashes any religion. My point today is this: somewhere along the line we forgot how to think and reason, or at the very least we forgot how to teach our kids to do it. We forgot that it's okay to debate someone's case if we don't agree with them, but not their character. That we should educate ourselves before stepping onto a soapbox. That we should listen to ideas that are not our own - and have enough faith in ourselves that we won't agree with something we shouldn't. We may not always like the games that other kids are playing, but it's their playground too.
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