Shallow fucking graves

As many of you have already heard, there is a certain professor with whom I am...annoyed. Okay, outright fucking pissed is a bit closer. Fuming mad. I even used the term "You fucking cunt" in my office with the door open, so those of you who know me will understand just how livid I am. I have spent the last two days making myself sick with the stress of dealing with her. I have decided to be more creative and that I should express my frustration in more cathartic ways. So I give you a short list of the gruesome tortures I have designed for her in my brain. To the pain, and FUCKING EXCOMMUNICATED INDEED!

• Hundreds of tiny paper cuts, lemon juice, tobasco, and cayenne pepper
• Drawn and quartered by 4X4 pickup trucks and barbed wire
• Fire ants and sugar syrup
• Dinner with George W. Bush (I know it seems cruel and unusual, but she has asked for it)
• A super high voltage butt plug (though this would require removing the stick from her ass first)
• Spraying her coat with bobcat lure and sending her hiking
• A small, smoky room and a hive of hornets
• A leisurely swim in a mountain lake. Above tree line. In January.
• An international flight in a small airplane with a Urugauyan rugby team
• A free box of Krusty Brand Cereal, with a free jagged metal Krusty-O in every box!
• Injection of a tiny air bubble in the vein of her choice
• Relaxing river trip in Georgia, CD of free banjo music included!
• A no-expenses paid trip to sunny Lebanon!
• A brown recluse spider in the bowl she uses to get that oh-so-stylish haircut!
• A mambo. Oops...I meant black mamba! Silly me.

See, I feel better now. Don't you? What lesson have we learned, class? Don't fuck with a pissed off queen!