Patriotism vs. Nationalism

Sometimes I hit my limit of bullshit and the truth falls out of my mouth.  Today, I was skimming the Book of Face and saw a post from an acquaintance that make my skin crawl and my blood boil.  Essentially, it was a rant about how anyone who doesn't want to sing the National Anthem, recite the pledge every few minutes, or think of the Founding Fathers exclusively as "god fearing men."  My last post pretty well covers my thoughts on the last point, but today I feel I need to go a step further.

I agree, our country has a lot of problems.  People from other countries are NOT the problem.  People who don't say the pledge are NOT the problem.  People who aren't "religious enough" are NOT the problem.  Growing divisiveness is a REAL problem.  It's preventing our Congress from accomplishing anything, and they have reached a new low in the number of bills they pass.  They no longer focus on the substance of a problem or solution.  Rather than discussing whether or not legislation is the right thing to do or if it will be enough to help, we discuss whether or not there are enough votes to override a filibuster.  Whether or not the other party will "allow" a bill to come up for a vote.

Searching for "others," those who are different in some way, to blame is a REAL problem.  Neither political party is solely to blame for the deficit, the economy, the job market, or foreign relations.  We are too focused on standing against the "other guy" rather than standing up for the little guy.  We have forgotten that we are a nation of "others" and outcasts.  We've forgotten that our differences don't create weakness, they provide strength.  They give us different ways of looking at problems, and different ways to approach solutions.  Only by combining our knowledge and skills can we hope to tackle problems as large as those that currently face us.  We need to focus on coming together instead of splitting apart. 

We are at our best when we work together.  There is safety and strength in numbers.  If nothing else, take a moment to remember that "God Bless America" doesn't mean "God damn everyone else."

Founding Fathers and Freedom

I've seen several messages on the internet this week about the Supreme Court's Hobby Lobby decision.  I've seen messages talking about how our country was founded on the principles of faith, and it got me thinking.

Hogwash!

It is true that many of the early settlers moved to America because of religious persecution in their homelands.  In other words, they were seeking religious freedom.  That's not the same thing as our government being centered around faith, is it?

I've seen several messages about our Founding Fathers and their faith, leading me to think back to several classes on American History.  The Revolutionary War was not fought because of religious freedom.  Our citizenry didn't take up arms because they weren't allowed to pray on a certain day or in a particular way.  It wasn't because they were required to follow a certain faith.  Our ancestors went to war against a government that was denying them basic freedoms and liberties without representation or redress.  After that war, visionary leaders created a new nation...by creating a document.  Our country was founded on the Constitution.

If you haven't read the original US Constitution lately, now might be a good opportunity.  It spells out the powers and responsibilities of our government.  It details the printing of money, recognition of interstate contracts, and a myriad of other considerations necessary to run a country.  Funniest thing, though: the words "faith" and "religion" do not appear in it.  Nope, not once!  There is also no mention of God, god, G-d, or any other deity. 

How is that our Founding Fathers, who were supposedly driven by their faith and a profound deference to religion, failed to mention that fact in the cornerstone document of our democracy?  It wasn't added until the First Amendment was ratified as part of the Bill of Rights.  If protecting religion, and Christianity in particular, were really their intent, why did they not actually address it?

The wording of the First Amendment is also important.  Most people describe the First Amendment by saying it protects religion, or the freedom of religion.  While that description is not necessarily wrong, it's also not necessarily right.  It's not the whole picture, and doesn't address the first part of the amendment.  "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

It's important to note that our Founding Fathers quickly realized that church and state did not and should not mix.  They didn't start by protecting the freedom OF religion, they started by protecting freedom FROM religion.  They placed more importance on that, rather than the free exercise of religion.  Religion didn't even get it's own amendment.  The amendment goes on to protect the freedoms of speech, press, peaceable assembly, and redress of grievances against the government.

So there you have it.  Our country was founded on representative government.  Democracy.  Individual liberty.  It was not founded on faith.  Religion and spirituality will always play an important role in our society; they can bring together the best in people.  Unfortunately, it also brings out the worst in us sometimes.  As we continue to discuss civil rights let's remember that religious freedom is an important individual right in our society, one that we must all protect.  However, it is not the overarching foundation of our country, nor it should it be protected at the exclusion of other rights. 

Things I KNOW

When I was growing up, I KNEW that I wanted to be a parent.  My mother was a very good role model, and I KNEW that I wanted to experience the same kind of connection and joy she got from being a mom.  When I came out, I set that goal on a back burner of sorts.  Society wasn't too keen on gay people having anything to do with kids, and becoming a parent seemed like an insurmountable mountain.  Adoption and surrogacy are the most common methods, but they're lengthy and very pricey.  In those days there were plenty of stories about parents losing custody of their children, whether biological or adopted.  I also KNEW I didn't want to be a single parent, because I saw how hard it was for Mom.  It seemed like the universe was telling me that it wasn't in the cards.  Then one day it told me otherwise.

I met someone and fell in love.  He wanted to be a father too, and we started thinking.  Then planning.  I KNEW it wouldn't be easy.  I KNEW that we'd encounter problems along the way, and that it wouldn't be popular with everyone.  Then again, I'm not really one to put popularity first.  We prepared ourselves for negativity at every turn, but have been pleasantly surprised.  Medical and county offices not only recognized our relationship, they were cheering us on.  The hearts and minds of most people recognize love and commitment when they see it.  We still haven't had any major incidents of people being rude about our family because we're gay.

But just before Nessa's first birthday, we took a brief trip.  The morning we were heading home, we stopped for breakfast.  We had to leave before the little one normally gets up, and she was a bit out of sorts.  Her diaper had a blow out just as we were getting ready to leave the house, requiring a last minute bath so we were ready to meet with our attorney for the adoption later that day.  In her usual congenial way, Nessa was still a sweet and happy baby...but she was making a bit more noise than usual.  Not screaming or crying, but squawking and squeaking more than usual.

Our waitress rushed to the table and, in a genuine attempt to be helpful, offered a package of crackers to occupy her.  We politely declined and told her that in addition to the considerable mess that would cause, we would feed her egg from our plates as usual.  She replied that she was the one who would have to clean up the mess and that she didn't mind.  We again declined saying "I think we'll be fine, but thanks anyway."  One minute later, Nessa squawked again; the waitress appeared from nowhere with an open package of crackers, already handing them over to the munchkin.  Naturally, Nessa grabbed hold and cracker dust went flying everywhere.  "See...I told you that's what she wanted."  And off she went with a smile.

The waitress is lucky my mother raised me to use good manners, because I managed to choke out a "Say thank you, Nessa."  What I really wanted to say was "And I told you NO to crackers.  Twice."  I didn't, because she really was trying to be helpful.  Nevermind the fact that it wasn't the mess on the table or floor we wanted to avoid.  We wanted her to be somewhat presentable when we met with our lawyer...about the adoption.  We're funny like that.  Nevermind that we believe shoving food at our daughter's face is not the best initial reaction to every little noise she makes.  Perhaps we might want to try...parenting...first.  It's why we bring toys and books with us. 

Nevermind that giving her an entire cracker is probably not wise, given that she has a total of 4 teeth (barely) and is likely to choke if it's not broken up into smaller pieces.  Nevermind that, as her parents predicted, she wasn't interested in her egg when it arrived because she was looking for more crackers.  Nevermind that substituting a cracker for an egg meant she was hungry and fussy during a 4 hour drive home.  Nevermind that it's more than a little insulting to believe that you, meeting our daughter for the first time, are more capable of reading her wants and needs than the people who have cared for her night and day for the last year.  The fact that this belief seems based solely on the fact that you are a woman and we must be incompetent twits because we're "only" dads only adds insult to injury.

Truth be told, that's what hurt and angered me the most.  For some time I've KNOWN this was going to happen eventually.  But preparing for the experience and having it are two separate things.  I think the Dad squad handled the situation with grace and poise.  Experience is often the best teacher, and I'll handle it even better next time.  I'll still play nice in the sandbox, but I won't hesitate to make it clear that not only are we the customers, we're the dads...and we make the decisions and rules.  I'll explain my reasoning if necessary, but I won't just smile while someone countermands my parenting.  Not only is it my right, but I don't want to experience another long car ride like that if I can avoid it.  And that is something I KNOW. 

The Kindness of (Safeway) Strangers

Last week I was standing in Safeway waiting as the cashiers worked their way through lines of people.  This left me with some time for one of my favorite pastimes: people watching!  An older woman came along and offered a few “excuse me’s” as she waded through the line waiters.  She eyed me and said “you seem to be the tallest person here…could you reach something for me?”  I smiled and helped her out happily…even I had to stand on my tiptoes to reach the last jars of parmesan on the back of the top shelf.  I love it when the universe brightens my day by giving me a chance to brighten someone else’s.

Because it was busy, the customers in the next lane were only a few feet away.  I noticed a woman and her son next to me, and she seemed to be looking for ways to pass the time as well.  She sent her son on a mission to get a box of Ramen Noodles and, as he took off in a flash, muttered under her breath “and then I’ll think of something else for you to go get.”  I couldn’t help but chuckle, and she quickly realized someone had been paying attention.  She smiled sheepishly at me, and it was clear she just needed a parenting break.  I winked and said “I laugh because it’s the ghost of Christmas future for me…my daughter will be one in a few weeks, and there are already times I use tricks like that.”  She smiled back…and then I saw a light bulb go on over her head.  “That’s where I know you from!”

Phrases like that still sometimes stop me in my tracks.  I never know what words will follow.  Where will this conversation go?  Will it be someone whose password I reset back when I worked in IT?  Will it be someone who saw the article in the Casper paper last year who thinks I need to be saved from my heathen ways?  Will this person accost me or welcome me?  I haven’t yet encountered someone making hurtful comments about my daughter or my being a parent, and I’m not sure I will be able to respond with my usual grace and civility.  My mom was something of a momma grizzly bear, and I know it’s genetic.

“You spoke to my social work class last year.”  I nodded, still unsure.  Then came her excited smile, and “how is fatherhood going for you?  When you were there, she wasn’t here yet!”  We chatted for a bit and I gushed predictably about her smile, her eyes, the joys, and so on.  “Every time I see something on the news about gay rights or court cases, I think about YOU.”  My breath caught for a second time, but this time I knew why.  “I hope that the adoption process goes well for you, and that things change and get easier soon.”  I gave her a thank you, and told her that it meant a great deal to hear that.  As I left the store, I took a deep breath and smiled.  Then it was my turn to mutter under my breath: “Message received.”

Next week we have a meeting with the lawyer to get everything going in full swing.  We don’t expect problems, but until that paper is in my hand saying it’s a done deal, I will be nervous.  Scared.  Uncertain of the outcome.  Just as I was when my Safeway stranger recognized me.  I just have to do what I always try to: do what’s right, share my heart and my story, and live from a place of love.  I have to trust that it will touch hearts and that our love and commitment will be apparent to a judge as well as social work students.  

Maybe it was a message from my mom.  Maybe it was just random coincidence.  One way or another, the universe gave me exactly what I needed.  It reminded me that living my life the way I have has brought amazing people into my life, and sometimes those people are strangers.  It reminded me that the Universe really will provide, and that everything happens for a reason.  I’m SO glad that I grabbed that cheese from the top shelf.  I needed a little instant karma.  As I often tell others: “left foot, right foot…repeat as needed.” 

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming

It hardly seems possible that I haven't posted anything since 2011.  Could it really have been 2.5 years since I last shared my thoughts and opinions here on my blog?  Where have I been and what  have I been up to?  It's not like I ran out of opinions or things to comment on...

One reason for my disappearance was technical difficulties.  The server where I housed my images was decommissioned, so suddenly my banner image and cute pictures on the side were lost in the ether.  It felt like a daunting task to recreate everything, and I didn't want to keep posting to a blog that was "broken," or at least looked like it. 

I've also been fairly busy during this time.  There were a number of changes at work, including my boss retiring.  That meant I was covering the work of the whole department for a time, but I managed to handle it in stride.  Work still keeps me busy today, but I'm enjoying it nevertheless.  There are moments that are difficult, but that's true in every job, isn't it?

Perhaps the most significant reason I've been digitally absent is that my husband and I have been working very hard to create a family.  A friend of our agreed to be a surrogate and on Labor Day in 2012 we got the text we'd been waiting for...we were pregnant!  We tried to do things a bit differently than most, but I'll explain more about that in later posts. 

Our daughter was born in May of 2013, and my life will never be the same.  She gives me such hope and strength, and her smile can wash away any problems the day might throw my way.  It's hard to stay angry or hurt when those eyes and that smile come crawling up to me as soon as I walk in the door. 


My husband is the bio-dad, so we have to go through the adoption process here in Wyoming in order for me to be a parent in the eyes of the law.  I hope you'll follow us through the process here on my blog. 

For folks who followed me in the past, there might be a few changes to the blog.  There will still be posts about GLBTQ rights and the latest shenanigans in the news or government.  There will still be life lessons and thoughts, and I suspect many of my posts will still end with "Today's lesson."  There will also be some thoughts about parenting in general, "gay parenting," and the changes to my life since becoming a dad.

So there it is...a look back, and a look forward.  I hope you'll stick around.  My life tends to be an interesting ride.

Religious Exemption Laws

The following is the full text of an Op-Ed piece I wrote for LGBTQ Nation.  The edited version is available here. 

I’ve called myself an activist since coming out publicly at the University of Wyoming and joining the queer student group in the mid-nineties, and I really do try to stay calm.  Most GLBTQ folks can tell you that’s not always an easy task these days.  I like to think I’m pretty good at it, though.  In April 1999 I was a co-creator of Angel Action, the counter-protest against Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church.  Ten friends and I managed to stay calm and silent while standing mere feet away from a man I refer to as “a professional bigot.”  We stood in silence, wearing our most angelic smiles while Uncle Freddie made comments like “you have a dykey look about you” and “you have the whiff of brimstone about you.”  Maybe the wings made the difference.  When speaking to classes, I tell students that while they are bright, creative, and talented, I’m pretty sure they can’t say or ask anything that will be more offensive than what falls out of his mouth.  This week I’ve just about had it, though.

Being a gay activist in a conservative, predominantly rural setting requires a fair amount of patience and tact.  I have almost 20 years of experience in politely and respectfully framing my arguments so as not to offend the “other side” of the issue de jour.  Everyone has the right to their own opinion, right?  I try to follow the golden rule and give others the same respect I’m seeking.  I try to respond rather than react, and draw on my experiences in speech and debate to make reasoned statements supported by facts and examples.  Check your emotions at the door in the interests of creating a meaningful and productive dialogue.

This week I’m finding it unusually difficult to avoid the urge to scream at the seemingly endless parade of pundits and spin doctors tell me, in their most deferential and conciliatory tones, that the rash of proposed "religious protection" laws are not about discrimination.  Oh heavens no!  They're really just there to protect defenseless religious folk from the godless gays.  Like innocent business owners, who could be accused of discrimination, just for standing behind their deeply held religious views.  

Not surprisingly, they can provide no examples where this kind of hypothetical religious discrimination has occurred, though Anderson Cooper and other journalists have asked often and pointedly.  The response is that it might.  You know…tomorrow.  Or someday.  Nevermind that actual discrimination against GLBTQ people occurs daily and, in many places in the US, there’s no law preventing it.  But they want us to understand that they are NOT trying to discriminate.  I’ve been spinning my wheels trying to frame a response in my usual polite and respectful manner, and think I’ve finally landed on something appropriate.

“Bullshit.”  Apparently trying to play nice hasn’t worked, so it’s time to call it what it is.  Hate.  Discrimination.  Bigotry.  You can couch it in terms like “religious freedom” all you like, but it doesn’t make the emperor any less naked.  Perhaps we should look at some of the arguments being used.  In Virginia legislators spoke out against such an “abdominal” type of relationship, warning it will “pollute America.”  A Republican senator from Wisconsin said such marriages should be forbidden “simply because natural instinct revolts at it as wrong.”  Tennessee attorneys tell us such unions should be illegal because they are “distasteful to our people and unfit to produce the human race.”  And finally, a noted psychologist commented "I believe that the tendency to classify all persons who oppose gay marriage as 'prejudiced' is in itself a prejudice.  Nothing of any significance is gained by such a marriage."

If you’ve been watching or reading the news lately, these arguments probably sound pretty familiar.  They should, since they’ve been around for a long time.  They originally referred to interracial marriage, and the first three were made between 1863 and 1924.  That’s right, the logic being used to deny same-sex marriage dates back to the Civil War.  The last quote is from a brief in the 1967 Supreme Court case Loving v. Virginia which established interracial marriage as a fundamental right between two consenting adults.  Ironic that it sounds like chapter and verse from our current debate, doesn’t it?  “No, we’re not hateful people; you’re the ones discriminating against us because you don’t respect our religion.”  Would anyone today care to make the argument that allowing interracial marriage violates religious freedom?

The argument is that business owners shouldn’t have to deal with someone as long as their objection is on religious grounds.  “I shouldn’t have to bake a cake for a gay wedding because my church says it’s wrong.”  Would it be acceptable to say “I won’t bake a cake for a Catholic wedding because I’m Methodist?”  What about a Muslim baker who doesn’t want to bake a cake for a Christian wedding? 

We already dealt with the question of whether or not a business can deny service to someone based on the belief that they are immoral, inferior, or otherwise distasteful; we determined that you have to let EVERYONE sit at your lunch counter and it is NOT a violation of your rights.

Individuals enjoy a number of rights and liberties, including the freedom of religion.  Businesses are not individuals, however.  Your cake shop is not a Christian, though its owner might be.  It’s a building, and when you start a business in the private sector it becomes subject to another set of laws and responsibilities.  There are different city ordinances, health codes, and tax laws that are separate from those for individuals.  Your religion might look down on tax collectors, but ignoring sales tax is illegal.  Perhaps your faith tradition takes a dim view of women in the workplace, but to refuse to hire a qualified female applicant because of it is discrimination.

As a business owner you get to decide a lot of things.  You can decide which products and services you offer, what your hours will be, and whether or not you will be open on the Sabbath.  You can set your prices, pick your own advertising, and choose your own business cards.  But you do not get to pick and choose your customers.  When you hang out your shingle, you’re agreeing to play by a different set of rules than you’re used to.  One of those rules says you have to serve everyone equally.  You can’t turn them away because of the color of their skin, how many years they’ve been around, or which church they attend.  Sexual orientation is no different.  My money is just as green and your public business is, by law, open to ALL of the public, of which I am also a part.

So yes, I’m mad.  Mad as hell, in fact.  I’m tired of hearing that GLBTQ folk aren’t really being discriminated against.  I can’t get married to the person I love and, after going through a surrogacy process that nobody really knew how to “deal with,” I still have no guarantee that the courts will allow me to adopt her legally.  But by all means, remain convinced that writing the names of two men on the cake is on the same level of what my family faces daily.  It’s your right, and I WILL be the first person to defend your right to think that way.  But take the money and make the cake, because it’s fair and it’s the law, at least in select states.  Be glad for the business as our economy continues to recover.  If you can’t abide by the rules and serve all customers equally, please remember that you will be viewed through the same lens as those who ran customers away from their lunch counters, sometimes violently.  Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Even though I’m feeling fed up this week, I am also hopeful.  I am returning to calmness and an angelic smile with the aware that those trying to prevent equality are getting desperate.  Some of the voices speaking up against these laws are doing so for the first time.  Some are prominent Republicans with a history of voting against our community.  Some are religious leaders from denominations that haven’t always been welcoming.  As the legislation becomes more ridiculous, more people realize that their attitudes are only one or two steps removed.  When a lobbyist pushes legislation to ban gay players in the NFL, an organization that already includes sexual orientation in its non-discrimination policy, a few more folks will make a comparison to Jackie Robinson when watching the nightly news.  They will realize that we already KNOW bills like these are hateful.  And ugly.  And beneath us.  We know because we’ve done this before, and at least some of us learned from those mistakes.  Wouldn’t you rather go the head of the class than sit in the corner wearing a dunce cap?

An open letter to an old friend

Matt,

It's been 13 years since I last saw you. Well, 13 years and 5 days to be exact. Since that night. A part of me will always wonder - if I had said or done something differently, would things have turned out differently? I try not to dwell on that thought, as it only serves to tear open old wounds. I think about you so often, though - pretty much every day. Sometimes I hear a song, or look at a picture, or notice a post on Facebook from a mutual friend. It'd be a lie if I said it didn't still hurt. I was just getting to know you - and it wasn't enough.

But then I try to focus on all the good that has come about since your murder. You wouldn't recognize campus these days. First, we have a Rainbow Resource Center. And two GLBTQ student groups. The Federal hate crimes law was finally passed - with your name on it.

I try to focus on the people who have come into my life because of you. I get to see your parents and brother this weekend at the Bear dinner. They have been amazing, and continue to inspire me. Many documentarians have become friends - or family. How cool are your friends from Switzerland?! I've traveled around the country speaking at colleges, universities, and high schools. Not nearly as many as your mom has, but I know it makes a difference.

I've met many folks who are part of a production of The Laramie Project - students, directors, set designers. They all agree on something - your story and the play have touched their lives. They think about people differently. They're called to be more involved. All because of someone they never met. That has such power for them...and that's a big part of what keeps me going.

I'm tired, Matt. I'm tired of having to keep speaking, of having to keep telling people the FACTS, not the garbage put out by 20/20. Just two nights ago I was over at a friend's house, and met someone who claims she was your "bestie." She didn't seem old enough, but I didn't call her out on it - I was a guest in my friend's house, and didn't want to be rude. She started talking about how it was really about drugs. And about how your mom has made "so much money" off of you. That was just too far, and I sure as hell spoke up about then. And I always will.

No matter how tired I get of speaking out, I always will. I will go wherever someone sends for me. I will repeat myself endlessly, reviewing the facts and truth - trying to counter the myths and inaccuracies whenever I can. I'll do it because it's the right thing to do. It's a way I can continue to make a difference. And I'll do it because I promised you I would.

Because you continue to inspire me. To look at everyone as a person first. To get involved and make a difference. To appreciate the time I have with loved ones, as it is finite. Because my life is better having known you. You STILL give me wings.

Oh, that's tacky....that's REALLY tacky...

Recently bills have been introduced to the Wyoming legislature that would prevent the state from recognizing same-sex marriages or civil unions performed in other states. Obviously, this doesn't sit well with yours truly. Jesse and I have planned to get married on paper again in a state where it's legal. We don't know how much protection it would offer us, but we know how many rights and privileges are on the line, and we're willing to roll the dice.

During the debates, the usual rhetoric showed up as expected: we're protecting traditional marriage, Bible blah blah blah, it's a sacrament, Adam and Eve, etc. At one point, claims were also made that the bill was really about protecting Wyoming's children, because kids do best when there's a mommy and a daddy. Everyone knows that, right? Except the mountain of scientific studies that show it's about caring, involved parents, regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc. And if this was really about "protecting kids," why didn't the bill try to outlaw divorce? Or require that couples be fertile before they get married? Would a tubal ligation then act as an annulment?

I'm still holding out faith that reason and sanity will set in before it's too late, and that the bill will be stricken down before it ever comes up to a public vote. But that's not all that has frustrated me about the debates. Usually, I have little reason to get snarky with activists who are trying to prevent a bad law from being passed. But a few emails went out from folks in Wyoming Equality that have me seething at both sides.

I got an official message directing folks to contact their Representatives about the bill and urge them to vote no. Pretty standard stuff, right? Except for these words: "You don't have to mention that you are GLBT. In fact it may help if you don't." The first part is quite true...nobody should feel compelled to come out; straight people have as much reason to be cheezed about these horrid bills as the rainbow crowd. But HOW DARE anyone suggest that I should go back in the closet?! HOW DARE the statewide GLBTQ group advise people, albeit in "soft language," that they should be less than proud of or honest about their lives? Shouldn't the legislators also be told that there ARE GLBT people living in Wyoming? In their districts? That we're concerned and involved in the political process like our straight neighbors? SHAME.

The irony was not lost on me when, just three days later, another message praised everyone for their efforts. It raved about the impact that personal stories had in changing some votes, though not enough. It mentioned that several Reps received "not just one, but dozens of emails this weekend from GLBT people for the first time in their life." Well, I guess it's a good thing that not everyone followed the advice you sent out earlier then, isn't it? Had everyone stayed in the closet, our lawmakers might not have gotten the message that we are here and are paying attention. That they represent us too, not just the straight white conservative religious types.

And then it got even worse. The next line was, I REALLY hope, intended as a joke: "In fact, the Catholic households were so shocked, they had to haul their computers to church to get them blessed with Holy Water." Are you fucking kidding me?! Way to reinforce stigma and stereotype that religion and gays don't mix. It's not just the Catholics voting for these bills, and there are plenty of pissed off Catholics fighting against them. So why single out a religion this way, possibly alienating some who were supportive...or thinking about being so?

I get why you might try to slip in a funny bit - something to lighten the mood and keep people's spirits up. But this just wasn't funny. It was divisive, rude, and insensitive. In sending messages to remind people we're supposed to be the Equality State, they managed show just how intolerant the GLBTQ community can still be. Rather than trying to bridge gaps, they quipped about them. Don't get me wrong...I'm not afraid of using humor to my advantage, but it's about common sense. Considering the time and place...the audience. The purpose. If you're trying to rally people to your cause, don't start by joking that every Catholic out there is scared to get an email from a homo and that they have to start praying.

I will give credit where it's due, though. The messages contained logical, effective talking points. They mobilized quickly to inform folks, get out the names of folks to call, and ways to get involved. I just happen to think they gave slap in the face to many GLBTQ and spiritual folks out there in the process. I'd like to believe that we're better than that, or we're going to have to put an asterisk on the rainbow flag here in Wyoming too.

Yup, still gay...

Today is National Coming Out Day. I know - my being gay is one of the worst kept secrets since Watergate, but here I am...coming out. Again.

Coming out is one of the best things I ever did for myself. I spent so many years hiding in fear, worrying about what people would think of me, who would disown me, how safe I would be...well, THAT list was a long one, so I won't go through every crazy notion that ran through my brain. I still clearly remember the night I finally said the words...well, typed them, actually.

I was talking online to my friend Jessa at Washington College back east. It was early Spring, and I was about to get on a plane to meet my friends in Chestertown, MD. I had been building up the courage to come out for a while, largely due to a group of progressive and outspoken friends. When I learned that some of them were members of the GLBT student group on campus and that I had lucked into unknowingly befriending officers, I was terrified and exhilerated all at once. That night, I typed in the words that would change my life forever. I remember crying as I spent two minutes staring at the words I had typed in; I remember the panic as I finally hit "Enter" to send the message into the cybervoid. And I remember the relief as Jessa wrote back a simple "And?"

She went on to explain that she was honored I trusted her with the info, but it honestly didn't make any difference to her. She loved me for who I was, and said she simply knew something more about me. That trip was such a turning point. For the first time I could watch ER with friends and when one commented "Isn't Noah Wyle so cute as Dr. Carter?" I could simply say "Yeah, isn't he?" It was no big deal, and that was a whole new world to me. I spent a week there, letting my personality expand slowly as I peeked out from behind the closet door. It was such a liberating experience, and I almost didn't get on the plane to come back to Wyoming. I almost turned my back on a full-ride scholarship, my friends, family, job....everything. All because I got to be me...fully and freely.

I often hear comments like "why do you have to flaunt it so much" or "do you have to shove it in people's faces?" I especially love hearing that from someone wearing a wedding or engagement ring, or someone with family photos on their desk or wall. Isn't THAT flaunting your heterosexuality too? If straight people have the right to talk openly about their husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc., so do I. I shouldn't have to worry about how someone will react when I introduce Jesse as my husband. I'm not going to hide my life because other people can't deal with it.

NCOD is always a sad time of year for me, though, as it's a reminder that tomorrow is the anniversary of Matt's death. This year has been especially tough: there have been seven GLBT suicides in the news lately. Young people who were bullied, called names, broadcast publicly, or otherwise socially abused. I can't quite explain how much it hurts me to hear of GLBTQ people taking their own lives at a time when I'm constantly reminded of someone taken out of the world too soon. Someone I can't get to know better.

When I was in 9th grade, I almost killed myself. I had listened to one too many people tell me how horrible gay people were. That I couldn't be a teacher or a father. That I was going to be a child molester, was going to get AIDS, and would never find true love because it was all about a never-ending string of anonymous hookups. So one day, I woke up ready to take every pill in the house. Thankfully, the Universe had other plans, because my best friend called me to drive into Gillette and do something fun. I figured, "sure, why not? I can just take the pills when I get home."

I truly don't remember what we did that day, but I remember that it was indeed a good day. When I got home, I realized that had I gone through with my plan, I would have missed out on that good day. And that even though there seemed to be so many bad days or moments, the good ones meant that much more to me. It took me a long time to dig out of the dark hole of despair I had created, but I did it. There were more dark days, and some VERY dark days. But it did get better.

And here I am today. I own my own home and I got married to a wonderful man this summer . Not only do I have a job, but I have a job I enjoy...and I got it BECAUSE of my diversity. I have some of the most amazing friends on the planet, and I wouldn't have met them if I'd never come out. I wouldn't have met Matt...or his family. I wouldn't have met Jesse, or his family. And I would still be sad and scared, hiding in a closet of my own creation.

And that's why I'm here, coming out all over again. I'm coming out because I can, and I know there are many out there who still can't. Because it's too scary, because it's not safe, or because it's not the right time. Coming out for the first time can be a big deal, and it's a personal decision that everyone must make for themselves. It's why I don't shout "come out, come out, wherever you are" from the rooftops. But I hope that my shouting it helps others understand that they're not alone. And that it does get better.

So happy National Coming Out Day. Hopefully you can join us out here...the lighting is so much better. But if you're still not ready or able, it's okay. We'll save you a seat at our table. In the meantime, call the Trevor Project (www.thetrevorproject.org) if you need help. You're worth it. Just promise me that you'll still be around for dinner when the time comes...

When is it enough?

I'm having a hard time containing rage this morning. Recently we've seen some movement on issues like Don't Ask/Don't Tell, gay marriage, GLBTQ adoption and parenting, etc. We continue to make progress and move toward fairness and equality, but as other stories stack up, it's not enough.

News came today that a third student within a month died after committing suicide. Their stories are all tragic, and for so many GLBTQ people...all too familiar. They faced taunting, teasing, and bullying. Often when they finally spoke out and tried to get help from those around them, their pleas fell on deaf ears. It appears that schools didn't do enough to protect or support them.

A Serbian man is heading back to court, fighting for asylum...and his life. He was beaten in school, attacked and disowned by his father, raped and abused in the military, and is now facing being sent back. Why is he heading BACK to court? Because the original judge denied his request, stating that he didn't seem obviously gay and so shouldn't be at as much risk as he was claiming.

How is that so many politicians, clergy, and citizens around the country don't "get it" when an 11 year old boy has a broken arm and may require surgery? His crime? He's a cheerleader, and that's not manly enough. Even though there are 40,000 male cheerleaders in high schools and colleges around the country, our antiquated expectations of masculinity are still so strong that people feel justified in hate and violence. He talks about loving the tumbling and cheering on his friends...and got a cast as a reward.

How much blood has to be spilled? How many bones must be broken? And how many of our children must end their lives to avoid the pain before people truly begin to wake up?

We need to stop allowing religious zealots from imposing their particular flavor of morals on everyone else, especially by dumping money at ballot initiatives. We need to stop allowing people to claim we're pedophiles and that we're trying to destroy America's families and values. I've been talking about these issues for years now, and I've always tried to be respectful of other people's viewpoints. Each day, those viewpoints are now causing more pain and injury than ever before. And I'm pissed about it.

I've often reminded people that when we begin to make progress, there is usually a backlash in response. During the civil rights and women's rights movements, there came a point at which violence increased. It's a desperate response, designed to send us running back to the closet in fear. I hope it's also a clarion call for fair-minded (and humane) people everywhere. Holding onto the hate and bias against GLBTQ is literally killing us. The name calling, the bullying, the attacks, the denial of rights...they all weigh on us.

They weigh on your children. Your nephews and nieces. The neighbor kid down the street. They weigh on your siblings, your coworkers, and your classmates. Gay people are everywhere, and that's not going to change. If the bruises and bloodshed aren't a clear enough signal that something is wrong and MUST change, I don't know what more it will take.

Also know that we have limits to our patience. I can't quite find words to explain the depths of my rage and sadness right now. Part of me wants to walk up and slap the face of people who continue to spread venom and hatred. Part of me says violence is not the answer. Most of me wants to scream from the rooftops with a bullhorn until people understand that your words and inaction can and do cause as much pain as actual violence. That if you keep it up, it might be your cousin who next hangs herself from a tree. It might be your son who's beaten by a group of 4 other students. That if he fits one too many of the stereotypes, it won't really matter whether he's actually straight or not...and you will have only yourselves to thank.

How long before people realize on a fundamental level that nobody deserves to be hurt because of who they are or what they believe? If you don't get that simplest of concepts, I say you fail at life. "Go stand in the corner and think about what you've done" doesn't seem to cut the mustard in this case. This is dumb, and I'm tired of wasting time and breath on something so obvious and basic.

Today's lesson: Realize that even people you don't agree with or even like are PEOPLE too. Get over it, or get the fuck off our planet so the rest of us can get on with the myriad of other problems we've got to fix.

Update on Oct 1: I wanted to post a great video too. There are several posts out there with the "It Gets Better" Project. This is my favorite, from San Francisco.

The single post (for Jerry)

There's been so much going on lately, and so much going on inside my brain.

• There was the annual Taylor/Knapp boy's camping trip to the family cabin over Memorial Day. A nice getaway involving drinking, grilling, poker and other card games....all in a picturesque setting with a pack of rowdies.
• In June, I travelled to Buffalo, WY to do a diversity presentation for a teacher's conference. It was for a group of career and technical instructors, including family/consumer sciences, business, health sciences/nursing, and shop. A strange group, but it went well, and is proof that there's still good work going on and we're making a difference...slowly but surely!
• Later in June we got to head to Denver for Pride. It was great to see most everyone again, and we needed the break in a big way. There were plenty of scantily clad beefcakes running around, and we sipped a cocktail or two while occasionally pausing to admire the scenery.
• July 4th means Freedom Has a Birthday, Laramie's hometown celebration. There's music, food, and vendors in the park, which is packed with people and puppies. Dexter went with us and did pretty well considering the chaos and crowds. Troy and Maggie were once again the base of operations and we couldn't have asked for better hosts!
• July 10th we had to get ready for the Jubilee Days parade. Since Jesse's running for coroner, we borrowed the O'Malleys Mustang convertible, printed some signs, and imposed on our friends to help pass out 60 pounds of candy. (We're still eating candy, by the way...) We no sooner took the car back and headed to Douglas for the Knapp family reunion. It was great to see so many of the family again, especially those who can't make it back for our wedding.
• Work hasn't been as slow as I'd like; our office was involved with a number of summer programs bringing in students from a partner school back east. It meant an usual amount of work I don't normally do: reserving rooms in dorms, arranging meal plans, etc. We also had lunches, brunches, and dinners to plan, arrange, and/or attend. Paperwork didn't end, and working in an office that's 85 degrees at 7:30am isn't always a joy.
• And then, of course, there's the wedding!

For the last year or so, I've been working to plan, organize, and strap together a fabulous yet affordable wedding. So here were are about 4 days before the big event. The garage has been exorcised, the defunct hot tub cut out and replaced with decking, the yard weeded and planted, the house scrubbed and buffed, and everything else has been dusted,vacuumed, polished, wiped, or otherwise spiffed up. I did the invitations, the website, the programs, and all the fun paperwork type stuff. I don't know where'd we'd be if Jesse's mom hadn't volunteered to take care of the reception food and decorations!

To say that I've been busy and stressed would be a gross understatement. I've been so lucky to have a host of friends remind me that all will be well, that only the "I do" part really matters, and that we don't have to do everything alone. So many of our friends are helping out with photos, video, music, webcasting, flowers, cakes...we're humbled and amazed at the family we've created here. It means so much that so many are coming to be with us, and we can't wait to see the smiling faces we've missed for weeks or years...

Everyone asks if I'm nervous yet. I am, but not about marrying Jesse. That's the one thing I'm not stressing over. It's the details and planning and "what if's..." I've been in enough weddings to know that things WILL go wrong...and they have. I know that we will reach a point where something with either happen or it won't; the big stuff is all pretty much nailed down, so the rest is just details. Truth be told, we'll be so glad when this whole hooplah is behind us, and we can get back to normality... We're looking forward to the party, but also a week on a cruise ship without any contact with "back home." Bring on the sun, sand, and cocktails!

I don't know that I expect to feel any different after the wedding is all over, but I know that I can't wait to live out this day we've spent so much time planning. It won't be perfect, of course, but it will be perfectly us. And I will be the luckiest man around...I know, it's cliche, but it's what's racing through my mind now. So for now, I'll sign off so that I can finish the list of wedding photos. That's about all that's left other than setting my out of office message and forwarding the phone. Two weeks to focus on my life without worrying about work...how lucky can a girl get?

Dear Pope...

I've had it. Nobody, including myself, should be surprised that the Pope is anti-gay and pointedly opposed to gay marriage. I disagree with him (a LOT), but I've had just about enough. Same sex marriages are apparently "insidious" and "dangerous." For some reason, the family unit itself must be protected from the threat we pose to the common good.

Mr. Pope, with all due respect (and that's a pretty small amount by now), fuck you! I'm tired of someone with a past connection to the Nazi party judging others (lest ye be...dot dot dot). Stop distracting folks from the issues you SHOULD be focused on. I'm tired of someone who has helped hide truly prolific pedophile priests getting his holy panties in a bunch because I want the same rights everyone else enjoys. Stop blaming us...being gay is NOT the same thing as being a pedophile. Just ask the APA, AMA, and countless other groups. They're smart people, and have been studying the issue for some time.

I agree that we're facing huge problems in the world today. Terrorism, damage to our environment, unstable economies, the AIDS crisis, cancer, access to health care...they're all serious problems that we need to address NOW by working together across whatever lines might divide us. But how will having legal recognition for my relationship destroy the time/space continuum? Belgium, Holland, Sweden, Norway, and Canada have had it for a while...and NOTHING happened. The divorce rates didn't spike. The marriage rates didn't plunge. There wasn't an explosion of orphans. Or famine, plague, war, etc.

And let's take a moment to get something clear: you don't OWN marriage. Even in modern society, a church isn't required to get married. You can go to a justice of the peace or a judge pretty much anywhere. Marriage means different things in different cultures, and NO church has the right to say this is what marriage is supposed to be about for ALL people. It's been about property, politics, family status, wealth, land...and sometimes even love. You do not have the right to say that my love or my family isn't real because it doesn't match your definition.

So back the train up, your "holiness." Why don't you spend some time getting your own house in order before you worry about what's going on in mine? Why don't you focus your considerable influence (and treasury) on helping feed and shelter the homeless? Or providing care for the sick? In short...why don't you use your powers for good? Stop wasting your time defaming love...you know, that word that gets used a lot in the Bible? That's supposed to be the cornerstone of your entire faith? Ringing any bells yet? Please stop manufacturing fear, spreading hurtful lies, and trying to keep people from loving one another...it's just rude.

Time to Smite the Mortals

It's probably a very good thing I don't actually have this power, because the list of smite-ees would be long indeed. Granted I've been getting over a cold and had a sick honey, so I might be overly cranky. Lately the things making me more testy have to do with overreaction from uninformed loudmouths.

UW's Social Justice Research Center had announced it was bringing Bill Ayers to campus to speak. He is a VERY controversial figure, to be sure, but was coming to speak about education reform, not war or bombs. When the news got out, there was certainly plenty of public...comment. His speech was cancelled soon after... again, to the tune of much comment. I made a point of reading the articles and public comments on the Boomerang website, and they made me quite sad.

One side of the debate ranted about how taxpayer money could be used to pay a terrorist to speak to our poor, impressionable youth. Many threatened to stop donating to UW, called for the resignation of the President and the SJRC Chair, and/or generally threw a hissy fit about "liberals" and "socialists" trying to take over everything and brainwash everyone. Some said they wouldn't consider sending their kids to Laramie for school if someone so horrid as Ayers was allowed on campus. Others said he should be turned away at the Colorado border, and some suggested anyone who wanted to hear him should leave too.

The other side went nutty when the speech was cancelled. They accused UW and the SJRC of caving in to outside pressure, being only focused on making more money, and destroying any hope of free speech. They howled about how UW let Dick Cheney speak on campus and accepted a pile of money, usually referring to him as a war criminal. The press releases said that professional and security concerns were the reason his visit was cancelled, and that sent the "Let him speak"ers into a tizzy even more. "It wasn't a problem for Cheney," they said.

Folks on both sides got rather out of control, as seems to be the norm for political or controversial debates these days. They engaged in name-calling, fear mongering, and rested their arguments on the worst logical fallacies. People posted under names like "KillBill," "NoInfringment," "Fire Rios ASAP," and "SocialismSucks." In short...they behaved like 5 year olds. Both sides told the other that they didn't know what they were talking about, blamed them for all the country's woes, and were frothing-at-the-mouth mad.

Maybe my problem is that I can see both sides of the issue. I understand why people were upset about Ayers' visit. I also understand why people wanted to hear him speak. I also know something about being in the center of controversy...and having to deal with security concerns. I have to admit that I do not have specific knowledge about threats that were made privately to UW or the SJRC's director, Francisco Rios. I do know what I've heard people say around town and what I read on comment forums online, and can only imagine how much further anonymous messages went.

When someone threatens your life or your family, it's hard not to think twice about moving forward. I had some real gems when we did Angel Action. I had more with anniversaries of Matt's death, other protests by Phelps, or articles that were published. I ignored them because it was ME on the line. If the threats had been against my family or friends, things might have been different. I refuse to judge Francisco for cancelling the event because I don't know what went into his decision. I'm sure it wasn't made lightly, quickly, or easily. I know what I saw online, and that even more nasty messages were removed. What else was removed? Threats to bomb the speech? To bomb Francisco or his family? The SJRC? Innocent students and community members who made the mistake of attending? How far would you push if others might be at risk?

I also understand that standing up for what's right is always important, not just when it's safe or easy to do it. But what else would have been involved? How much security would have been necessary to ensure everyone's safety? How much would it have cost the University? Most of the threats I received were from anonymous folks living who knows where, usuing aliases like "Dr. Giggles." There was one that scared me, though. It was from a UW student...someone local. It was a veiled, non-specific threat. The type that's hard to prepare for and equally hard to imagine...but hard not to take seriously. There's a reason there were snipers on the rooftops at the courthouse and Union when Phelps and the Angels were in action.

In today's Branding Iron, mixed in with even more letter about the Ayers cancellation, was a letter to the editor from a UW student. She claims that a session at the Shepard Symposium condones the bashing of religion. The session in question is centered around a documentary film that includes criticism of James Dobson of Focus on the Family fame. I should note that the film hasn't played in Laramie before. I suppose it's possible that she saw it somewhere else, but suspect it's more likely she's made up her mind about what the film says without even seeing it.

The irony is that in her letter, she talks about how "whenever you tell one group that another is spewing hate and hateful actions, it is a recipe for creating hatred, not to mention discrimination, violations of rights and violent civil action." She then proceeds to finish her letter by saying that our "state institution" is "monstrasizing (sic) a faith." Didn't you just say this film, which you've never seen, is hate speech? While in the same breath saying you shouldn't say someone else hates? If you don't like that particular session, don't go. I happen to agree that Dobson is a hate monger, though I'm pretty sure she doesn't, but that doesn't mean I think all Christians are haters.

It also just so happens that I know the filmmaker in question. She works at DU, and I encouraged her to submit the film as a session for consideration to the Symposium. I admit that I have not seen the film myself yet, but also know that as a documentarian, human being, and devout Christian, Sheila did not create a project that bashes any religion.

My point today is this: somewhere along the line we forgot how to think and reason, or at the very least we forgot how to teach our kids to do it. We forgot that it's okay to debate someone's case if we don't agree with them, but not their character. That we should educate ourselves before stepping onto a soapbox. That we should listen to ideas that are not our own - and have enough faith in ourselves that we won't agree with something we shouldn't. We may not always like the games that other kids are playing, but it's their playground too.

No really, I'm alive

As Jerry has been pointing out to me, it's been AGES since I did a post. So here are some quick updates and highlights from the last couple months:

• Our volleyball team, The Deadbeats, had a great time last season, though we didn't have a great record. We've always said that we're a drinking team with a volleyball problem, and we meant it. We can't wait to start up again this Spring!
• In November, I traveled to Kentucky to speak at an ACLU youth conference. It certainly wasn't the most lavish or luxurious trip ever, but I had a great time. The students were amazing and inspiring. I only spoke for about an hour, but got to spend most of the day with the students. I also got to spend a fair amount of time with Calloway, who used to live here in Laramie. He's still quite young, but was my driver and entertainment committee for most of the trip. I also got to travel to a fundraiser event for a statewide GLBT group. It would have been fun in and of itself, but riding on a limo bus (with 2 bars) and a gaggle of giggling gays made it a great way to let my hair down, blow off steam, and relax at the end of a long trip.
• Honey and I hosted a Thanks-gay-ving dinner at our place this year. Since Jesse was on call at work, we couldn't go to Kaycee to be with his family. We made 2 turkeys, because one just wouldn't be enough. A host of friends were able to join us, and we were stuffed to the gills. We only ate one turkey, of course, but the second provided leftovers like turkey enchiladas, turkey and noodle soup, and other tasty goodness for days. We couldn't be with ALL our family, but at least got to be some of them.
• Since it's been a very lean year financially, we decided that the best thing we could do for holiday gifts was to bake ourselves stupid. We made over 1500 cookies, several batches of party mix, and topped off plates of goodies with candy canes and chocolates. It meant too many hours in front of an oven or mixer, but it was also kind of fun to dust off my mom's old family favorites. I hadn't had some of them since Mom died, so it was like weeks of sugary nostalgia.
• We made it to about 7 holiday parties thanks to friends, family, and work. It sure kept us hopping and juggling schedules, but it was worth it to spend a bit of time with folks. We don't get to see everyone nearly enough, but know you're always in our hearts and the next time we're together, the laughter and cocktails will flow freely!
• As usual, we spent Xmas up in Kaycee with Jesse's fam. They would hurt us if we didn't. We drove up the morning of Xmas Eve, had dinner with his folks and grandpa, then opened presents. We didn't get tons of expensive loot, but certainly had enough little packages to open to make us smile. We then obeyed Mom's next commandment: "We're going to go do karaoke at the bar." Being no strangers to public singing (and drinking) and being duly afraid of pissing off Mama Taylor, we grabbed our hats and gloves. Several hours later, I had very little voice left. The next morning we got up early to help set up for the big family celebration at the community hall. The snow storms came before Jesse and I were suppose to head back to Laramie, though Ryan and Squidly got a bit delayed. As they were going back to work, they didn't mind much at all.
• Work has certainly been keeping both honey and I busy. This semester he's also taking 19 credit hours. My office has been processing paperwork left and right and reviewing complaints every time we turn around. Work is never dull, though it would probably be nice to have a third person around full-time again. I continue to do harassment trainings and speaking to classes now and then. In January I was asked to be the opening speaker for The Good Mule Project's conference. I spoke about diversity and it seemed like it went well. Honey and I got to attend the dinner too, and it was great to see students so excited and passionate about going out and getting involved.
• Laramie Reproductive Health is working to sell our old building, and we're coming down to the wire. It'll be nice to have some reserve capital again, not have to worry about maintenance issues, and cut down some of the utility bills. It's meant several extra meetings for me as the Board President, but will be well worth it down the road.
• Then, of course, there's a wedding to plan. After several months of looking around for the best venue, we've spent the last couple weeks making final decisions. Next we do invitations and save the date magnets. I've had the magnet design done for months, but it looks like we can only afford a single mailing for folks, so they've been on hold. Invitations are another story, but I'm not too scared. Registries are filling out nicely, we're getting close to locking in catering, cakes, and all the details that go with it. We're talking about flowers, as our friend Janet said that's her gift to us.
• Speaking of Janet, I once again spent some time around Valentine's Day working for Killian's Florist. It started many years ago when my friend Stephan was working there doing deliveries. He asked if I'd like some extra work driving a second van so they could keep up with the huge list of orders. The last couple years, Janet's also asked me to come in before the big day to help around the shop, add greenery to vases and arrangements before they add the pretty posies, and whatever else needs doing. This year I moved up again. She taught me how to arrange a half dozen roses, do wraps, bud vases, cubes, and other small projects. So rather than just adding green filler, I was doing actual arrangements! I was thrilled to learn from the best florist in town, and honored that she trusted me and decided I was good enough to send out my arrangements with the name of her business on it. I spent about 25 hours there total over 3 days, but had a lot of fun...albeit very little sleep.
• Our friend William was in town for a few weeks before Valentine's too. He'd been driving truck and brought his brother out on the road with him for a while and to show him Laramie, his "home base." But many years on the road were wearing on him, so his brother rented a car to drive back to NY and Will drove his semi back to Omaha to return it to the company. They bought him a bus ticket and he got back to town Feb 13th (while Jesse and I were delivering flowers). Since then, he's been staying in our spare room and will be there for a few months until he gets on his feet. The job hunt continues and he wants to get a place of his own, but in the meantime it's been kind of nice having a (sometimes overly) conscientious houseguest/roomie around. He cleans up continually; I keep opening the dish washer and finding it empty. That's not always a shocker, except these days there isn't a stack of dirty dishes in the sink or on the counter. The vacuum keeps mysteriously running when we're not home, and the dogs have usually been fed before honey and I even get home. He helps cook, buy groceries, and keeps us laughing. Now to find him a man, a job, and a house/apartment!
• Of course I've been doing my part to work on the "gay agenda." I've spoken to classes in Nursing and Social Work, spoken to a class at LHS where students are also getting LCCC credit, and done a SafeZone session for the Safe Project, our local domestic violance and sexual assault agency. Rest assured, I'm still overly gay. And as AIDS Walk gets closer, we're ramping up planning and preparation for another great walk and night of bingo. This year we're moving on up to the Hilton, and are pre-selling tickets this year. Once they're ready and available, I'll let you all know. :)

So there's a highlight reel of my life as of late. As you can see, it's been a non-stop run. I usually don't know if I'm coming or going, and have to refer to my Outlook calendar to see what in the hell I'm doing (or supposed to be, at any rate) later today. Honey and I are doing well, though this semester has been a rough one. He's buried in school and homework most of the time, and I'm doing my best to keep clothes clean, dogs fed, and dishes washed. Sooner or later, the race pace will slow and I'll be able to take a breath. I think that's called a honeymoon...and ours is a 7 day cruise in the Carribean. Not too shabby, eh?

A long time coming

Today I received news that the Matthew Shepard Act has passed the Senate and will be heading to President Obama's desk for signature. So many of us have watched and waited for 11 years. We have written letters, called our representatives, spoken to our neighbors and relatives, and believed that one day we would prevail. We certainly didn't expect it to take this long, nor did anyone envision that it would be connected to a DOD spending bill. Truthfully, none of that matters to me today - only that we did it.

I've sent the message to the Spectrum lists, texted some of my friends, and shared the links on Facebook. A couple of friends have asked me how I'm doing; it's probably because I mentioned I couldn't stop crying. I'm pretty sure they're tears of joy, though. To be honest, I'm a bit overwhelmed. After 11 years, it doesn't quite feel real. So many times we've come close to getting it passed, only to be turned away at the 11th hour. The last year hasn't been all success, either. After Prop 8 passed in California, I was left feeling somewhat discouraged. After all our hard work, after opening our lives and hearts to strangers so that they might understand, how could they still not get it?

Today's vote signals to me that we really are making progress. It gives me a renewed belief that we will see equality in my day. That soon my marriage will mean something everywhere. That we will ensure ALL students feel safe and welcome in school. That we will all be respected and treated like human beings. The way Matt would have done it. It tells me that we will repeal the discriminatory laws, and enact protections. And that our hard work is not in vain.

Most of all, I'm thinking about Matt. I know that he's smiling today, but also egging us on to do more. Don't stop here, because there's still so much that has to happen. We can't rest yet, but today at least, we can take comfort in our success. Matt, I renew my promise to you: I won't stop until everyone is safe.

Thinking of you...

I usually send a message your way on the 7th, but I know you'll forgive my tardiness; I've been sick with a cold. I've been thinking about you a lot lately; I always do this time of year. I still miss you, even after all these years. I miss seeing your smile on campus and getting a chance to talk to you about your Poli Sci class or the paper that's stressing you out. I miss the sparkle in your eye as we talk about the upcoming events for Gay Awareness Week. Did you know that it's now a whole month? I was just getting to know you when you left. I had hopes that you'd become an officer for the student group; you sure seemed to have leadership skills, personality, and enthusiasm.

So much has changed since then, and yet, at the same time, so much hasn't. Part of me wants to apologize for the things that haven't. I wish we had stronger laws today - I don't know that it would have made a difference or changed the outcome, but at least it would make a statement that what happened is not okay to us as a society. I wish that the government took people like us more seriously - or at least treated us as people. That you could hold any job for which you're qualified, live in any place you can afford, and visit your loved one in any hospital. Most of all, I wish you were still here. I'm sure there's more we could have done to make these things happen sooner, but I also know there's only so much we can do at once. And I know that they WILL happen.

I'm also proud of what we have done, though. Policies here HAVE changed, and we've come a long way since you were here. We've got a resource center now, and you should see how many students hang out there during the day. We go talk to a lot of classes every semester, and so many programs are firmly established now. What you must think of where we are. I often wonder how much of that we owe, at least in part, to you. I don't really have an answer, and I know it's not as simple as cause/effect relationships. Time and progress move on with or without us, but I know deep in my soul that you're a part of all this. Somehow, that knowledge helps a bit, though perhaps that's just mental defenses trying to rationalize and protect from pain.

It seems like someone is always asking me about you. Wanting to know more. Trying to understand. I hope I'm doing you justice; I worry about that all the time. I can only wonder what you'd say about something, how you'd react to this news or that event. I'm sorry that so many people have said such horrible things about you, but I also know that's nothing new to either of us. I'm sorry so many people have tried to twist the way you left - make it seem more justified...or somehow blame you. I've tried to give people the full story, but I can't force folks to listen and I can't stop rumors and misinformation from flying wildly. I've tried to do what I think is right, and what I think would represent you and your ideals. We both know I'm not alone - there are thousands of folks out there doing great work. How amazing is your mom?! She never ceases to amaze me.

It's not always easy. I admit that I get tired at times, and sometimes I just don't want to relive the horror, shock, and pain. When that happens, I try to think of your smile, your laugh, and the fact that you're not around to speak up for yourself. I know it's not my fault or my job, but I feel like someone ought to speak on your behalf. To tell people your story in the hopes that someone might be spared what you endured. That their hearts will be softened or lifted, and that hope and understanding will fill that space. That they'll be a little bit more like you. I know you weren't perfect, but I still look up to you. I won't get the chance to see what you could have done, but I hope that what I do makes you proud...and that you'll let me know somehow that your amazing smile is still here with me.

I miss you, Matt.

(In memorium, Matthew Shepard: Dec 1, 1976 - Oct 12, 1998)

A letter to Gary

For the record, I was working on a nicer, less political/militant/bitchy post, and then I read my daily gay news update. For those who are part of the inside joke, just read the following post and imagine a % symbol on either side of the whole thing.

Gentle readers, I'd like to introduce you to Gary Herbert, the new governor of Utah - I'd like to have a conversation with Gary today, though you're free to listen in. The previous gov, Jon Huntsman, is off to take a new job as the ambassador to China. Congrats, Jon. When asked why he doesn't support GLBTQ rights bills like Jon did, Gary had this to say:

"We don't have to have a rule for everybody to do the right thing. We ought to
just do the right thing because it's the right thing to do and we don't have to
have a law that punishes us if we don't."

The full article is at http://www.advocate.com/news_detail_ektid107916.asp if you're interested, though I should warn you - it might make your brain bleed a little bit. I know it did mine. I'm afraid we don't live in Candyland, though they have rules there too, come to think of it. I would say that most people resist their homocidal tendicies by not killing people...but it's not because it's considered "doing the right thing." No, we have laws that prohibit such actions, and they comes with penalties that punish folks who just can't seem to do what's right. The simple truth of the matter is that not everyone does the right thing all the time, and that we should prepare ourselves for the times when they don't. I like to call this "reality."

Gary also said it would bog the state down in "minutiae." Really, Gary? Can I call you Gary? I don't believe that visiting my partner in the hospital or being able to get him insurance (which we currently can't) is minutiae. And Gary, I don't think it's "trivial" that he would have to pay extra inheritance taxes on the house if something happened to me. And it's not a "detail" that he can legally be fired for being gay.

Gary went on to ask "Where do you stop? I mean, that's the problem going down that slippery road. Pretty soon we're going to have a special law for blue-eyed blonds ... or people who are losing their hair a little bit." I realize that as a new governor you're probably a very busy guy, Gary, but let's try to stay on topic. I'd appreciate it if we could compare apples and apples here, if you know what I mean. We're not firing people for being blonde and we're not saying you can't get married if you're bald. Our laws DO prevent regular folks like me from doing the same thing because I happen to love another man. Also for the record, the "slippery slope" argument is a type of logical fallacy. I learned to avoid these in debate, clear back in 9th grade, but it seems Gary didn't.

Gary, imagine for a moment that you lived in a world where a majority of the folks happen to be gay, but you're still straight. (I hope I'm not assuming too much, Gary - I'm going to guess that you're just unaware, rather than think you're a masochistic, self-loathing queen who needs to put down the dress and come out of the closet and into the light with the rest of us...but I digress.) Would it be fair for the gay society to take away over 1000 federal rights and privileges? Would you be willing and able to change who you love just so you can fit in? When you can't find a job, rent an apartment, or have your partner at your bedside in ICU, would it still just be "minutiae" or "a slippery slope?"

Gary, I read about your comments in a daily news update. Earlier this week there was a story about a Michigan man who was attacked in a park by his neighbors because he's gay; they beat him severly and burned him with cigarettes. Today's included a followup story announcing the sentence in another case of assault, this time in Dallas. This summer I've read about Fort Worth police beating a man in a gay bar during a "routine check," a teacher who was fired for being gay, and a pastor who claims a tornado was God's punishment for allowing gay clergy. Oh silly me, I guess that was all just this month, my mistake. Are these minor annoyances too, the kind that would "bog down" the government?

You know, Gary, I've been told there are a number of folks living in Utah who happen to be LDS. Now I don't agree with a whole lot the Mormon Church says, but I respect their right to say and believe it. I also don't think it's okay to persecute anyone of any faith for their beliefs as long as those beliefs stay within the confines of the law. I'm very glad we have laws that protect religious folks' employment, right to marry, right to buy a house, etc. I know there are folks out there who might fire people over their religion or make comments about "those people" moving into the neighborhood. Gary, don't you think everyone deserves the same respect?