Jim's Emotional Roller Coaster: Please hold on to the bar!

So much has been going inside my head lately, though most might not be aware. The holidays are often difficult for me, you see. I still miss my mom more than even my over-inflated vocabulary can put into words. She raised me to believe that holidays are about family and simply being together. Most holidays involve my created family leaving to be with their own families, and a sense of loneliness sets in.

And this year there are additional problems. I fear the next four years and the roll back of so much hard work. I'm tired and don't know if I'm ready to deal with a media upheaval again as 20/20 seeks to...well...do whatever they're doing, for whatever possible reason they believe they have. Almost 6 months later I still have a spare room in shambles and a garage packed to the gills. A fresh round of weddings reminds me another year has passed with finding the love everyone says is just around the corner. And I'm still not in the physical condition I want. It's hard to remember why waking up in the morning is a good thing.

And then the pesky universe steps in, more than happy to give me the ass kicking I so desperately need. A Thanks-gay-ving is planned for Sunday. I start working out on my lunch hour and besides feeling better I lose 6 pounds in a week. And I randomly watch a movie because I like Cuba Gooding Jr. If you've not seen Radio, go now and watch it. I SAID NOW! Well, I suppose you can finish reading this post first, but then get thee to the video store! It's based on a true story. A town comes together and realizes what's really important. It happens with great struggle and sacrifice. And it restored my faith in the human heart.

And so today's lesson is this: there is nothing which cannot be overcome. There is nothing so difficult that the human spirit can't overcome it. I know we all have hard times coming up with the end of semester and the stress that comes with it. Some of us are heading into a final semester, while others approach their first finals in Law. Then there are weddings to plan! Remember this...as trite as it might sound, you CAN do it. And when you doubt that, remember your friends here. Without even knowing it, you have all helped me get through a rough spot.

This Thursday, it is YOU I am thankful for.

Far left, two seats from the back

That's where he sat in my classroom. Third period. 8th grade English. He was quiet, but had a devilish sense of humor. When he did speak, a slow smile would creep across his face. He'd look down at the desk when he cracked a joke, and then his eyes would trace up as he broke into a smile. He worked hard, though it was a struggle for him. He was so small. He often wore a hockey jersey. Though I don't remember a lot, I am saddened.

http://www.laramieboomerang.com/news/more.asp?StoryID=102306

This is why I believe war is bad.

And then it happens

I spent another early Saturday morning setting up a table for Discovery Days, a program where high school students considering UW show up to check out the campus with their parents. It's a two hour exercise is staying awake for most of the presenters there. I set up my gay table as usual, expecting to be ignored my 99.9% of the students and parents. The morning started like most others, and I stuffed bags for the VP for Student Affairs' Office to pass the time.

The usual folks stopped by to say hello - Admissions staff, some of the other table folk, professors I know. I've started a game with myself: read their thoughts. I usually get some interesting looks from people walking past, even if they don't say a word. By reading their eyes and expressions, I can guess at what they're thinking when they realize what my table is all about. My notes from the session before this one (quotes indicate verbal comments):

• "I'm glad you're here." (from UW staff)
• Oh my gawd! A homo! Eeek!
• Don't let dad see me looking.
• Dammit. I made eye contact. Now I HAVE to talk to him.
• Ho-boy. They've got one of those groups here.
• Oooo. I remember that. (from the picture of Matt I display)
• You know about me, don't you?

As people walk past pointedly ignoring me, I continually remind myself that I'm not really there for the students who can come up to me openly and talk about the group. I'm there so that the students who can't talk to me know that we exist. That they're not alone. That there is someone out there supporting them. I'm there for the student who walks past my table 8 times without saying a word, but tries to read everything on the table out of the corner of their eye when they think nobody is looking. The student I used to be.

This time, a high school student from Longmont, Colorado walks up with a huge grin and her little brother in tow. "I didn't see you listed on the map!" After explaining the name change, we talk for 10 minutes. She practically bounces when she tells me her school just started a Gay/Straight Alliance. She grabbed copies of just about everything, having her brother stuff them into her backpack for later use. I gave her my card so she could request electronic copies of our materials. Why invent the wheel, after all?

Who should walk up but her mother. She looked tired, but I thought nothing of it, since I knew they'd left Longmont very early and driven up to Laramie that same morning. "Oh. Did you get copies of their stuff to take back?" she asked, and was assured that all was encased in the magical backpack. After another minute or so, daughter and son ran off to the next table. Mom asked if we had a group for lesbians, and I assured her that Spectrum was open to everyone. And then it happens. Her face drops and any ounce of emotion drains from her body as she says "Can you see the enthusiasm in my face?" She has changed from a mother I thought to be relatively accepting to a bitter and angry woman. "They're too young to be making these decisions."

Too young? She's old enough to be choosing a college but not to express herself about love? These are my thoughts, but I keep wearing my syrupy-sweet customer service smile. "I told her she's not allowed to have kids, because I don't want grandkids. So maybe this is a step in the right direction. I guess it's my fault." "Oh, I doubt that very much, ma'am. It's nobody's fault." "Well, I'm Jewish, so guilt is kinda my thing." For 5 minutes I listen as she vents, criticizes, and contradicts everything I stand for. Then she leaves quietly, with an almost defeated air about her. She seems resigned to wallow in her guilt. Her shame. She acts as though condemned.

And I am reminded once again why I do what I do. Why I wake up earlier than usual to sit and be ignored. I'm there for her too. So that while dealing with her daughter's sexuality, she doesn't have to do it alone. So that she can vent at me and not her daughter. So that she can maintain the illusion that she's supportive. I hope she can do it until it's true, and her daughter need never know. Because it would be a true loss if the enthusiam, energy, and passion in her eyes and voice were somehow diminished.

And the morning was suddenly worth it.

Enough, I say!

{Begin rant}
Perhaps I'm being cynical. Perhaps I'm being unpatriotic. Perhaps I'm insane. Why you ask?

Because I am SO tired of seeing yellow or red/white/blue ribbons on cars. You know...the little magnetic things you can now buy at every retail store, grocery store, and gas station? Some say "Support our troops." Some say "God Bless America." At any rate, they are freaking everywhere!

Please do not misunderstand me here: I do support our troops, despite my absolute abhorence of this war (read occupation). And for those who are displaying these images because they are truly supporting the TROOPS, kudos. What I am tired of, however, is the use of these symbols to support "freedom and democracy." Or to be "patriotic." I do not believe it is unpatriotic to be against the war or the president. I do not believe I have to display a logo to support the troops themselves. As a raging homo, I understand the power and importance of symbols. I DO display many on my car, briefcase, and office. However, I know what the symbols mean and choose them carefully.

How many people are buying these because they are popular? Because they fear what friends, neighbors, family, or significant others will think if they DON'T display them? How many are displaying them because they sport the words "God Bless..." and they just think anything with God is good? For what percentage is it REALLY about the truth.

As I walked across campus today I paid special attention to these magnetic marvels. Many have the words "Freedom" on them. I personally think that freedom and democracy are good things. But I recognize that as MY BELIEF. And I think that it is not our place to tell other countries, regions, or religions they must think like me. It is not out place to determine what other people should value. That's assimilationism. Impirialism ring a bell? We're going to bring freedom/religion/salvation to you heathens.

Display whatever symbols you like, but PLEASE know what they mean. Choose them carefully. Understand the intent behind them. And do not criticize those who do NOT put up your symbols.
{End rant}

Go here now

www.sorryeverybody.com

UPDATE: Make sure you check out page 293. Look closely, and think Blair Witch Project!

Post 85

And what does his Grand High Gayness have in store for such a monumental occasion as his 85th post? Well...nothing in particular! Just an update of sorts.

Sometime between now and Friday I'm meeting with the nice gay man speaking on campus Thursday night. He's started out on his own. He wants to talk to me about Laramie and Matt, since it was Judy (Matt's mom) who first encouraged him to take up speaking full-time. I want to talk to him about how he started and how business has been going. It's all about making a dream become a reality.

At work, I have many changes in progress. In just 2.5 days, I have accomplished a great deal. I'm revamping my training, creating another tier of employees who will help flog the nasty bump-on-a-log type employees. I have some good ones (many of whom are part of the flock). I have some BAD ones too. This will help alleviate that problem. I'm developing web pages, writing proposals, and trying to squeeze blood out of my turnipy staffing budget.

So today's gay message is this: pick a project and attack it. Knock one out of the park. Pour your effort into something you have a vision about and make it a reality! YOU CAN DO IT!

Four more years?!

Like most of us in the blogsphere, I'm sad and frightened. And not just because I'm gay and worry about losing more rights and privileges. I do worry about Shrub's ability to make me even more of a second class citizen, but there's so much more. I worry about the lives that will be lost in Iraq. I worry about where the next war will be. Iran? North Korea? Fiji? Hey...with HIM in charge, anyone could be next! I worry about our country's economy. How much will our deficit be after ANOTHER four years? How much national debt can we incur before we collapse?

In his acceptance speech, Shrub said he would need the support of everyone who voted for Kerry, and he pledged to do everything he can to earn our trust. I hope he realizes he reversed the order there. I will not trust him until he shows me he can avoid the pitfalls of his last four years. That he will change the direction his administration travels. That he will not support discrimination against me and my friends. That he will repair an economy that he's played a large role in trashing. That he will stop pandering to the religious right and the exceptionally wealthy. But I don't see that happening, do you? And so I don't see myself supporting him. But isn't that the beauty of democracy? I don't have to.

What I have to do, however, is continue fighting. In fact, I need to step up my efforts to create positive change. While some of my votes weren't winners on Tuesday, some were. Dave O'Malley is on the City Council. the Smoking Ordinance was upheld. And that gives me some hope. My losses only fuel my fire and drive my passion. Four more years, huh? Bring it on, bitch!

Two black women and a homo drive to Gillette

Yes, it has been a while since I've posted. I haven't had much to say lately. I've been in maintenance mode, just trying to keep up with appointments, meetings, and generally keep my head above water. I didn't want to post random fluff about what I did. So here's a lesson, in true Big Gay Jim Tradition.

I went to Gillette this weekend. A group called Leadership Wyoming wanted a presentation on diversity issues. They contacted the University for help, as UW co-sponsors the program as a whole. And so I got a phone call from Nell Russell, our new Employment Practices Officer. She's been here for 10 months. She wanted to put together a diverse team. She also called Deb McGriff, Education Professor and Director of African American Studies at UW. Chris Primus from Disability Support Services was supposed to round out our team, meaning we would cover sexual orientation, disabilities, racism, and sexual harassment. All in all, a pretty good team.

Friday we got word Chris was sick, and it would be just 3 of us going. We'd gotten some flack from one of the head honchos of the program, worried that we would be "pushing personal agendas." The long and short of it: he didn't want us to talk about anything but racism, as that's really all people in Wyoming have to deal with and all future leaders needed to be trained in. *cough* Okay. Tough shit? Our attitude was "You asked us to present on diversity, and that's what we're going to do. We may not be experts, but we're educated and might know a thing or two about what needs to be presented." We certainly knew we didn't need a stodgy heterosexual white male telling us what diversity issues Wyoming has to deal with.

And so it was that 2 black women and one large gay man climbed into a University car and hurtled ourselves northward for 4 hours. We arrived at the Clarion Inn on schedule. It used to be the Holiday Inn in Gillette, and little has been done since it was built. So there is now a general shabbiness to the place, and a desparate attempt to cling to the rustic atmosphere Gillette counts on for its limited tourist industry. We attended the "Back to the Ranch" event LW was hosting. It was designed to introduce the leader trainees to ranch life and give them a sense of the issues facing agriculture in Wyoming. Free steak and a reading of stories written by some of Wyoming's most gutsy women made it a unique evening, to be sure.

We woke early the next morning and had breakfast with the trainees before preparing our different presentations. We broke them into groups using numbers, so our groups were random. I ended up with the Chief of Police for Casper, the Casper City Manager, and about 10 other random Wyoming leaders. It was clear that some of the people did NOT want to be in "the gay group." But despite some tension and pointed questions, everyone "played nice." They were respectful of each other and of me, which is really all a person can ask for when it comes down to it. And after all the tension about university folks coming in to present on diversity, including the gay stuff, one theme was almost universal on our evaluations: they wanted MORE time. More discussion of diversity. More exposure.

So where's the lesson, you ask? Well, it's in the people. As soon as we walked into the "Back to the Ranch" event, an old family friend jumped up to give me a big hug. I have babysat for her sons, who are now in high school (shut up, Zeus). They were members of our church, and she played the piano at my mother's funeral. I knew the son of the Casper City Manager because I had judged him in debate. I met the father of another UW student; Dad is a bank VP in Sheridan and Junior works with the Campus Activities Center as a student programmer. Many of these people were fairly surprised that they had a connection to a gay man. But they were only surprised, not repulsed. This connection in and of itself could be a great lesson. I'll let you draw your own conclusions there.

But for me, the biggest lesson wasn't in the event itself. It was the travel to and from the session. Deb, Nell, and I had a great time. I played tour guide, explaining Wyoming history and Campbell County's socio-political and economic makeup. And we talked. Gawd, did we talk. We ignored the obvious barriers. We gave each other unspoken permission to ask anything. We learned about each other and the special challenges our different minority groups face living in America and in Wyoming. And we learned, not surprisingly, that the issues are very similar. We laughed, joked, and exposed our fears. Paralyzing loneliness. Isolation. Burnout. Political challenges. And we became close friends. I'm going to take Nell for a drive around the area, showing her the hidden beauty of Wyoming. We're going to have drinks, cook ribs, hot tub, and escape our lives now and then.

The lesson in a nutshell: find someone who's different. Have an open, honest conversation. Sick back and amaze one another. Don't we all deserve another friend? You really CAN'T have too many.

Where are the crab cakes?

I have been accosted for not updating. So here we go. I'm back home again. This is a good thing. It's also making me crazy. I had a lot of fun in Baltimore. My friends and I spent time together, saw the sights, and were just generally relaxing. Sure, there was work to be done at the conference, but we managed to do both. Now I'm back in Laramie. There are no crab cakes on the menu. There are no water taxis for sight seeing. There aren't many restaurants to choose from. And then there's work. Apparently when you're gone for 5 days, work piles up. Especially during Queer Awareness Month. I've got panels, SafeZone sessions, and presentations lined up. But I'm digging out. I also came back to a host of employee problems. I expect to terminate one person Monday...and possibly up to 3 by the end of the week. Why did I get on that plane again?

Oh say can you trespass...

During the War of 1812, Francis Scott Key watched the Battle of Baltimore at Fort McHenry. He was so moved, he composed a little poem that was later set to music and titled "The Star Spangled Banner." Perhaps you've heard it? So today we jumped on a water taxi (I love cities on the water!) and went out as far as we could. From there, we walked about a mile or so (uphill even) to visit Fort McHenry. Upon arriving, we were distracted by the 24 foot tall statue of Orpheus. Wearing only fig leaf. After the requisite punchlines we jumped off the beaten path, cut across the grass to the walking path, and took in the sights. Cannons, barracks, and ramparts, oh my. It was a good way to spend the afternoon. So we walked toward the visitor's center on our way back out. And the funniest thing happened. As we entered the visitor's center, we saw it. The sign. "Admission: $5." Oops! And that's how it happened. That's how we trespassed at one of America's historic landmarks. Who said work conferences are dull, or that computer geeks are well-behaved.

I'm not in a land-locked state

This means, by Mandy's rule, that I am allowed to freely eat seafood. WOOHOO! It's been SO good to see my friends from around the country. 10 of us went out for dinner tonight, and landed at a place called Victor's Cafe. It was 8pm, and we ate outside on the harbor. IN OCTOBER. It's been wonderful. Calamari. Shrimp pesto. Just under half a bottle of Shiraz. Then on to the James Joyce Irish Pub. 4 Long Islands. Sadly, I'm barely feeling the drinks. Damn you, sea level! Tomorrow we're going to brunch (they actually have that here!) and then do some sight seeing. The conference kicks off tomorrow night with the welcoming reception. Believe it or not, I'm not TRYING to gloat here. Just letting you all know what's going on. :) Now it's time for beddie bye. Getting up at 4:30am sucks, and it's almost 11pm according to my body. That's too long to remain conscious, methinks. I'm going to put on one of my Jamie Anderson CD's and drift off to sleep. I really do miss you all...

Baltimore awaits

I'm headed to Baltimore, Maryland in 2 days. We leave early Saturday morning and arrive Saturday at 4pm. Woohoo! The start of Fall semester is always a trying time, to be sure. For everyone! This conference is a way to blow off steam, be reminded that we do things VERY well here in Laramie, and to get new ideas to make things even better. I already know one idea I need to bring back, and hope that others find their way into my lap. Today's gentle reminder/lesson: find something that relaxes you, that makes you have fun, or is otherwise happy. Indulge yourself in the next week. You're worth it.

We want cheerleaders. I'm serious!

Our volleyball team has a double header tomorrow. 6pm and 7:10pm. We're now playing at the new Rec Center. So if you come cheer us on, you can see the new building in all it's glory (it is kinda cool). Oh...and we might go out for a drink afterward. Cheerleaders might get a drink purchased by the biggest, gayest volleyball player in Laramie. COME WATCH US PLAY, BITCHES! (I love channeling Cher.)

Back to basics

Today someone from my past returned. He reminded me why I do what I do. And I think it was also a nudge toward the next step.

Only in Wyoming

Only in Wyoming can a man go duck hunting at 4am and then attend a reception for GLBTQ faculty and staff in the evening. At times, I am the stereotype. At others, I enjoy breaking them down. Guns in the morning, appetizers in the evening. Isn't this a great state?

Another fun gay link

Yet another website fell into my lap today. I decided I must share it as well.

www.gaymerica.org

Make your speakers are on and that you hover over most everything on the page for fun audio blips. I just have to say "Moo."

"I laughed so hard a little pee came out"

So the Rev has done an outstanding job creating and fostering an open discussion about religion and/or spirituality. I think everyone has been respectful of others, and it has been quite an enlightening dialogue. So what happens when it's NOT a nice discussion with willing participants? Check out the link below to find out. And if you ever see me publicly belting out a number from "My Fair Lady" or "The Sound of Music," you'll know why.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/koaloha/29646.html

PS...5 Thursday night bonus points to anyone who can tell me where the title for today's post came from.

Calling all cheerleaders!

SO who wants to come watch mediocre volleyball? We're practicing Saturday at 3pm at the sand pit in Washington Park. We also have a game Monday night at 8:20pm in the Spring Creek Elementary School gym. We might have a double header with another game at 9:30pm. Come be a cheerleader for us! Or laugh at our occasional ineptitude. Either way, it should be fun!

Activity abounds!

Zeus managed to convince me that I should join a bowling league with him. Most of the team is queer. Yup, a queer bowling team. Who'd have thunk it? So Friday nights I'll be hitting the lanes. Then today I got an email from friends at work asking me to play volleyball tonight. And now I've been roped into being on a rec league volleyball team, with games on Monday and Wednesday nights. This greatly increases my "after school" activities, and gives me flash backs to high school. It's also a good thing, though, and I think I'm looking forward to it a great deal. But it's off to our first game. Now if I can just remember not to Bump - Set - Spike when I should be going for a strike.

It was a good day

Woke up at nine. Was moving slow, but moving nonetheless. Caught up on some of my recorded shows while cooking breakfast and playing with the pups. Took a shower while listening to Broadway on satellite, because I am that gay. Then picked up Nate and we drove up to the Happy Jack area. Did some trap shooting on a very beautiful day. Fall colors are starting to turn. Drove around back roads with windows down and sunroof open. Spent time with a great guy, though I still don't know if he's interested in being more than friends. Either way, it was nice to spend more time getting to know one another. Time to make steak for dinner. See....I told you it was a good day.