Thursday, March 30, 2006

Back to the zoo!

Today we will look at label whores, as we return to our examination of the many different types of homos. Label whores, closely related to the average "preppy gay," are ALWAYS found wearing only brand name clothing. Tommy, Abercrombie, Diesel, GAP, Hugo, and AX are staples. They are sometimes seen in clothing as "common" as Old Navy, though it is rare. They tend to congregate in groups, and engage in retail therapy at stores like The Buckle and Structure. Even their colorful and shiny accessories will be high-end brand name merchandise. Louis Vuitton, Fossil, Coach, and Oakley are all common acquisitions. Do not refer to shopping at retail stores such as Target, Sears, or Mervyns, as this can send a label whore into seizures. It can also trigger primal anger, especially when two or more label whores are present. On rare occasion, such packs of designer divas have been known to attack when threatened with references to Wal-Mart or any other store ending in "mart."
Many gay men place a high premium on designer, high end purchases. Material goods take on far too much importance for some people. The more extreme and absurd examples are when a person is thought to be of lesser moral or social value because they don't "dress properly." My favorite Dragapella group, The Kinsey Sicks, even have a comic song called "Wear Names." Heaven forbid you don't fit the standard body types or sizes, as you cannot find designer clothing and are therefore doomed to being a social outcast. As if personal worth can be measured by income, fashion sense, or pricey trinkets...

As a...full-figured and voluptuous creature, I loathe a true label whore. It's one thing to own a really nice shirt from A&F or Armani. It's another to own nothing but, and look down your nose at others who cannot afford or otherwise acquire "hoch couture." Maybe I'm crazy, but I just can't see judging people on the basis of how they dress. I've known some well-dressed asses, and some amazing people who couldn't put together an outfit to save their souls. I don't claim to be a fashion plate myself, but I can color coordinate, accessorize, and I do think I clean up nicely. (Proof to be shown soon, when Squid has her pics developed from the Bear Dinner.) Much like the gym bunny or body nazi, they're shallow and vain creatures...and not worth the time of any of my fabulous readers! ;)

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